untitled writing project

sean [or: nick, kevin, mark (undecided)] is going to college next year and it's the last day of summer. he is going out with his friend lacey before they leave for college together. him and lacey just came from a private school where they were lumped together in the "less rich" group of kids and became best friends. they stay out all night and deal with everything in one way or another before they leave it all behind to move into the city the following sunday.

"of mice and men" meets "catcher in the rye" and "perks of being a wallflower"

update: on everything

hi

so i haven't updated in a few weeks. and i'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. i spend most of my free time in school writing notes for another writing project and i spend my writing time outside of school revising it.

there are times when i wish i could just go back to those months in december and november last year when i would crank out three chapters a night with the writing ability i have now but it's getting harder and harder to get into character. there's so much i still have in store for you guys and i don't know how i'm going to get past it all and post something for you. i feel awful and it's getting harder and harder.

i'm thinking there is a time and place in my life for these stories and i'm scared they've begun to pass. my recent stories are very different from what you all know and have come to like. "last place" and "perfect kisses" mean so much to me, but growing as a writer and a reader, they just don't satisfy me enough.

i've outgrown stories before. "alex", "the prince of heart", and "rain clouds clear skies" were all my life at one point and my obsession but now i'm seeing a change in my taste and in my writing. i will continue writing for "last place" and "perfect kisses" and i'd like to share my latest project with you, but there's a time for everything. and time stops for no one.

jaseyray

VII - Sweetness

It was soundcheck and I was just standing there. Aaron broke out into percussion for "Lucky to be Alive" by Braid and Jonah joined in. It took a few seconds but suddenly Paul and Johnny joined in. I stopped and looked at them all. I smiled weakly and leaned onto the microphone. I couldn't sing. I didn't know the words.

They finished up with Paul laughing when Aaron broke into a drum solo and the sound guy rushing out and yelling about us fooling around. After a few "sorrys" we got back into good terms and passed the stage onto the band beneath us.

Owen stormed down the hall. I looked in his direction and decided to go into the dressing room designated for us and Owen's band. I stepped in and she was just sitting there. I swallowed and looked at her. She was rubbing her temples. I turned and went back down the halls and found a few guys from Owen smoking.

I never usually smoked because it doesn't do much for me. But there were neat lines on the table too. So I sat down and the guys welcomed me in. They were all Red Letter Day fans. They were all older than me but always treated me like a superior.

I hated myself for this.

* * *

When I got off-stage I walked out into the dressing room. "What the fuck is going on with you?" Johnny asked. "That was real professional, Williams, real professional."

I ignored him and walked out towards the bus. He grabbed my shoulder and forced me against the door. "Fuck you," He said. "You're fucking high aren't you?"

I rolled my eyes and touched my shoulder. "Nothings-wrong," I talked quickly. "I'm fine. I'm great." He shoved me again and my shoulderblades hit. They hit the metal door hard and he turned to walk away. He stopped. "Look," He said. "I know you guys are all buddies and you've all known each other since high school, but if they don't get you some fucking help I give up. I'm leaving the end of this tour. You are fucking this up for everyone."

I stared at him.

"There's something up with you," He said. "And if you don't get fucking help, this is it. I quit."

The band was falling apart.

* * *

They were all silent on the bus. Paul didn't call Rainie he didn't talk to me either. Johnny probably told him everything. I felt the high wearing off. I got off of the bus and started walking. Walking quickly and silently.

"Bennett?"

I kept walking. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk walkwalk. Walk. She came up beside me. "What's happened?" She asked.

"Nothing," I said tightly.

"What?" She said.

"Nothing," I said stopping. I was yelling at her. "Now fuck off. I don't want to deal with anyone."

She looked small all of a sudden. It was as if I jsut hit her. I started walking again but I was aware of her walking behind me. "Bennett, what is going on with you?"

I stopped. "Really, Elisa," I said. "I mean it. Get away from me."

There was silence. I waited until her footsteps moved away. But no. She stayed therte behind me. I waited turning. She stared at me. "Who do you think you are?" She asked suddenly. I stared at her. I shrunk. I crenated. I swallowed and she looked at me with these narrow eyes. "I know things aren't that good. I'm not a brain scientist, but Johnny was so pissed off at you and everything..."

I dropped my shoulders. "It doesn't concern you," I said.

She nodded. "Yes," She said. "It does. You're my friend, right?"

I paused. Were we friends? Did we fit that? It could have been the drugs. I nodded slowly and suddenly and we both waited. "Do you want to talk about anything?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said.

She nodded. "What happened last night when you came on the bus?" She asked softly.

I swallowed looking down. "I ran into a fan." I said.

"What happened?"

"She said I saved her life."

"Really? That's incredible,"

"No,"

"Why?"

"I never did anything,"

"Do you honestly believe that?"

Silence.

* * *

When we got back to the buses she broke off to Owen's. She waved back ta me and said goodnight. Said she was happy she got to talk to me. I stared at her. I nodded. She said things I could never forget. I nodded. "It was good talking to someone," I said.

She disappeared onto the bus and I went onto mine. Jonah was drunk and so was half the people on the bus. Paul was even drunk. Paul never gets drunk. I went into the back of the bus. I didn't want to sleep in the middle. I climbed up on top and lay there where Elisa had the night before.

The sheets smelled like her. I almost moved but I stayed. I went off into sleep thinking about what she said. I'll never forget it.

VI - Jesus Christ

There was a loud crash and I just sat there on the couch trying to get myself together. My phone rang but I ignored it. I turned onto my side and lay there facing the couch cushions. I didn't sleep at all last night. I had to answer press -emails I've been avoiding for days.

Owen popped up out of nowhere. "Williams," He was drunk. "Have you seen Lise?"

"Nope," I said.

"Com'on," He said. "Where is she?"

I turned over. "I have no fucking idea." It's been two weeks and Elisa and I haven't spoken. Well we've said the appropriate Hellos and stuff but nothing at all else. I turned back and lay there trying to sleep.


"Sorry, Puss," Owen said and stumbled out. He was a partier. He drank more than an alcoholic and was going to be one. I inched closer to the couch and tried to sleep. I wanted to give up. I wanted to sleep for the rest of my life.

There were footsteps in. I thought in some crazed moment of sleep it could be someone. I turned around but I felt dissappointed all at once. I didn't expect it to be Elisa. I just thought it might be. That's how most movies went, right? It was just Johnny. He sat down on the couch and put his cell phone away. "How's it going?"

I turned over. "Good," I said.

He looked out in the hall. "Spinella's on the webcam with Rainie," He said. "I got kicked out."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?"

He didn't answer he just smirked a little. Me and Johnny used to get along great right after Alex left up until the block. He started pushing me too hard and I don't really talk to anyone. I looked at him. I felt so tired. He looked at me. "So Elisa's back?"

I nodded. "Owen's on a drunken quest for her," I said.

He collapsed back into the chair. "I'm so sick of this tour already," He said.

"You're telling me," I said. Then I frowned a little. I just was so sick of touring all of a sudden. It made me exhausted thinking about another drive.

"You okay dude?" He asked. "We can get you help..."

I looked at him. "No," I said. "I'm fine, I just have a lot going on."

He nodded sitting back. We were quiet. He wasn't much for talking. Paul usually got me going on and on answering questions but me and Johnny got each other. I mean, we got each other a little. Not so much anymore but we knew each other enough. I sighed. "How long until we play?"

He looked at his phone. "Three hours," He said.

I got up. "I'm going to get some cigarettes," I said. "Want to come?"

"No," He said looking at me in an unfamiliar way. "I don't smoke."

* * *

I showed up around bus call and saw all the buses and vans gone except for ours. I got on and looked around. Jonah was in front of my bunk talking to someone. He looked over. "Hey, Bennett," He said. "Out reaking havoc on civilization I see? Any hot babes you want to go on about?"

I gave him a look. "No," I said.

"Guess what?" He asked. "Spinella's getting married to Rain over webcam."

I nodded walking over to the fridge to get some Jack Daniels. Aaron was sitting in his bunk. "Guess who got left behind today?" He asked.

I shrugged pouring the liquid into a small glass. I didn't feel like talking. A girl came up to me today. She was small and pretty. She was no more than sixteen. She looked at me with these two eyes and said I was her hero. That I saved her life. She was so young. I wasn't even eight years older than her. I saved her life. I talked to her a little. She was so happy. So young. So excited. I walked too far. I did saving I didn't deserve to do.

"Elisa," Aaron said. "Owen and the guys left her a few hours ago. They left before bus call."

I looked over. "What?" I said. Then Elisa flicked on a light. She was sitting in the "junk bunk" and waved a little. "No way," I said. "He's such a dick."

Elisa nodded. She looked sad. I took a sip of my Jack Daniels and looked down at the ground. The bus started up. I crossed one arm over my chest. Jonah looked over at me. "What's up?" He asked. They all looked at me in a worried way.

I shook my head not saying anything. I sipped my cup again. You changed my life. My parents got divorced and I just found your CD somehow... and you just... saved my life. Thank you, your music is just... everything to me.

I took out my phone and looked at it. I went down and sat down dialing a phone number and waiting. Jonah came out and "got a beer." He was just listening in. I waited. "Hello?" I felt a rush of sometihng inside of me.

"Hey," I said.

"Oh, hi," She said.

I waited for her to gush like Rainie did when Paul called her the first time in two days. It's been a week since we've talked. I scratched my neck. "What's up?"

"Nothing," She said. "Just out with the girls." There was another pause.

"Oh," I said. "That's cool." I waited. "Are you on your way home or something?"

She paused. "No," She said. "I said I was out with the girls."

I nodded leaning my head onto my neck. I waited for a pang of something. Pain just to wash over me. Enough to make me want to sit down and write a song. Something to ignite some sort of flame inside of me. There was a noise. "I just really need to talk to someone," I said.

"I'll call you tomorrow, if you want," She said. She wasn't being mean. Her voice was peppered with something I couldn't lay my finger on.

I nodded. "Okay," I said. "Have fun tonight."

"I will," She said laughing softly. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I said.

She said a quick goodbye and hung up. I sat there and waited. This was just self destructive. I knew it. I knew who she was with. I wanted something to happen. I wanted a flicker of pain. I wanted the need to yell at her. Ask her how could she use my like this? I am human. I deserve more than some whore like her. But no. I was shallow enough to wait for the anger that wasn't going to come. The bus was moving and I hung my phone up. Looking up to see Jonah look at me in a pitiful way and then Elisa came out.

She pointed at the bottle of Jack Daniels I bought three days ago. "Can I have a glass?" She asked.

I nodded and she poured herself a glass. The lights of the bus caught the glass. Her hands were long and graceful and she held the glass tight to her palm. She took a sip smoothly as if it were water. I got up and poured myself some more. She moved away sitting down where I had. Jonah walked away and I took a deep sip.

"Was that your girlfriend?" She asked suddenly.

I looked at her. "I guess," I said shrugging. "Not really though."

She nodded. We drank silently until I started to feel really shitty. I looked at her. "I'm going to bed," I said. "If you want to climb over me, it's okay. I don't usually wake up so don't worry if you kick me or something."

Aaron stuck his head out. "I slept over him," Aaron said. His computer illuminated his face. "He means it. Last tour I kicked you in the face and you didn't budge." He looked at me. "Now, Spinella'd break your fucking legs."

Paul came out. "What?" He asked.

Aaron looked over. "I'm just talking about what you'd do if Bennett slept with Rainie." He said. Paul rolled his eyes. He ignored that and he came out looking at me.

"What's up?" He said.

I shrugged. "Tired," I said.

"Rain said she saw Brianna the other day," He said. "But Brianna didn't see her."

I nodded. "I doubt Brianna knows who Rain is." I said under my breath.

"Did you guys fight?" Paul asked. I stepped by him.

"I wish."


* * *

I went into the back lounge to change and when I came out Elisa was climbing up into her bunk. She slipped and my hands went out catching her around her hips. I was drunk so it didn't bother me so much. I was drunk with booze and sleep but for a second I mistook us for other forms of outrselves.

I nudged her up into the bunk and she turned over looking down at me. "Thanks," She said.

I smiled a little. "You're welcome."

"Goodnight," She said.

"You too," I said looking at her. She smiled a little and closed the curtain of her bunk for tonight. She was sleeping above me tonight. I swallowed and climbed in and slept the best I've had in months. I don't know if it was my drunken-ness or my exhaustion but I felt safe enough to sleep without bracing the wall of my bunk.

When I woke up she was gone.

V - Lasting Impression

I shoved my hands into my pockets and she walked beside me. I start where we always could. "What do you think of the Connor Thompson record from last year?" I say. It's awkward and I'm kicking myself for going on this walk with her. I want to start screaming at her for everything all while simultaneously apologizing for making the dumbest choice of my life. I'd rather write happy love songs than nothing and I wish I never made that hate record I did. I just start with Connor Thompson. And wait.

"Amazing," She says. "I love his solo stuff. I mean, he wrote all of the Sunday Drive so at least we know that all these records were going to be Sunday Drive anyways."

I nod. "I know," I say. "I have to show you these demos he sent me of older Sunday Drive-"
"You guys swap demos now?" She asks. She's excited by this. Here is where I can start bragging. I can smile and say they I've been out with him and his wife. Brianna was unimpressed by him. She doesn't know who Sunday Drive is and she checked her phone every five minutes. I could go on and on about everything I know about Connor Thompson.

"Yeah," I said. "We hang out a lot actually. He took us out on a tour once and we got to hang out every night and talk. He's really cool, and he remembers you." I freeze preparing to shoot myself in the foot.

She stared at me. "What?" She says her eyes widening.

"He was asking about you when I told him about when we got to meet him at that show in high school," I said. We get a little quiet knowing we broke up. She tries to react without dogging me abut what I said knowing I would have said something along the lines of how my heart was broken and I can't write music anymore if I was drunk and if I was sober just said we broke up.

"My roommate at college hated me," She said. "I roomed with her until this year and she was so happy to get rid of me because all I listened to was Sunday Drive when I studied. She hated them. I could just tell, but she wasn't rude about it, she just cringed a lot."

I laughed a little. She was so different. I knew her. Her personality was just... vastly different. She was smiling a lot more. She wasn't scared. If she hated me she wasn't showing it. If she was going to walk my down and ally and murder me, well she'd catch me completely off-guard. I didn't know what it was but she made me feel like I was her friend. But she was the ex-girlfriend.

We walked down the sidewalk together. "How is college?" I asked. I began to feel sick inside like I knew I would eventually. But she just shrugged a shoulder.

"I am doing pretty good," She said. "I switched my major completely to English and minoring in human development."

I nodded. "Those are pretty cool subjects," I said. "Are you going to be a teacher?"

She nodded. "I'm pretty sure," She said. "My father is paying for classes but my mother just stopped paying for my dorm room and stuff so I have to figure everything out."

I looked at her. "What?" I didn't get why she was telling me this stuff. She was so different. Here she was coming out with this without even thinking and I was just her ex-boyfriend. We haven't talked in years. I felt ready to throw up. I was broken in half. I felt drunk. She was normal. She made me feel like we were friends. What is happening?

She looked down. "I'm sort of homeless," She said. "Which is why I'm on tour for now. It keeps me off of couches but when school starts I'm stuck."

I stared at her. "Are you serious?" I asked.

She nodded looking back at me evenly. "When November comes we'll be back and I'll break up with Owen and either live off of couches or agree with my mother and go into business again." She said. "Then I get a dorm and everything related to living taken care of."

"Your mother's crazy." I said.

She nodded. "I'm stuck," She said laughing a little. She looked forward. "My life's turned into a Soap Opera again."

I watched her and then looked forward. We came by drugstores and Thai food chains. The neon lights dusted the streets but we walked like to lost characters from two different stories. We turned around a little early because I felt ready to blow up.

She looked at me. "What about you," She said. "How's life?"

I shrugged. "The band is good," I said. "We're touring, and we make a living. Rainie and Paul are still together and I live in a little house near the city with them-"

"I know," Elisa said. "Rain and I talk a lot. We used to have lunch together a lot. We go to the same college." There was so much that could have slipped by like that. Things like what college she went to. I didn't know what college Elisa goes to. She went to the same as Rainie? That was so foreign. You never know what it's like to feel like you don't know someone you know so well at the same time. She scuffed her shoes on the ground. "What about a new record?" She asked. "Rain said you were writing one."

I shrugged. "Barely,"

"What does that mean?"

"I can't write. I'm blocked."

She stopped asking questions. Nobody asked about my block except for Paul. He always sat down and asked me what I felt. Asked if I could just write a simple C-Am-G-D progression with some old lyrics. Anything just to push me over this mountain a little. He's even tried helping me. I just can't get out full songs without them being too forced. But he works on me everyday. I could have said all of that to Elisa but I didn't. I walked silently. I tried not to throw up and I tried to keep myself in one piece.

She could have asked about Brianna. I mean, she could have asked me anything but she knew I was feeling shitty so when we turned we just went straight back to the buses and broke off saying it was nice to see one another again. That we'd talk later. I felt my heart settle back into a sleep. I felt nauseous and when I got back to the bus I threw up in the "toilet" tucked in a two by two closet.

The guys thought I was drunk, but I haven't felt so disgusting in my life. Everything was catching up. I could feel it. This was the beginning of the block and the end of everything. The band was going to fall apart. We'd get dropped. We're going to end up going to college. We're going to let down all of out fans.

That was when my seventeenth panic attack hit. I sat there in the bathroom and tried to breathe but it didn't work. Nothing was working.

setbacks.

i was going to post a chapter tonight. but i cleared off my entire itunes by accident so it looks like i'll be sitting here re-ripping 1600 songs for the rest of my life. effff. i shouldn't be complaining. 2300 songs are okay and on my ipod right now. the rest though are all i listen to now. f-c-u-k. spelled fuck incorrectly.

tomorrow: filmfest, guitar, academy is...
friday: re-rip day.
saturday: possibly writing day.

so much work. efffmyyylifeeee. ARGGHHHHHHH.