VI - Jesus Christ

There was a loud crash and I just sat there on the couch trying to get myself together. My phone rang but I ignored it. I turned onto my side and lay there facing the couch cushions. I didn't sleep at all last night. I had to answer press -emails I've been avoiding for days.

Owen popped up out of nowhere. "Williams," He was drunk. "Have you seen Lise?"

"Nope," I said.

"Com'on," He said. "Where is she?"

I turned over. "I have no fucking idea." It's been two weeks and Elisa and I haven't spoken. Well we've said the appropriate Hellos and stuff but nothing at all else. I turned back and lay there trying to sleep.


"Sorry, Puss," Owen said and stumbled out. He was a partier. He drank more than an alcoholic and was going to be one. I inched closer to the couch and tried to sleep. I wanted to give up. I wanted to sleep for the rest of my life.

There were footsteps in. I thought in some crazed moment of sleep it could be someone. I turned around but I felt dissappointed all at once. I didn't expect it to be Elisa. I just thought it might be. That's how most movies went, right? It was just Johnny. He sat down on the couch and put his cell phone away. "How's it going?"

I turned over. "Good," I said.

He looked out in the hall. "Spinella's on the webcam with Rainie," He said. "I got kicked out."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?"

He didn't answer he just smirked a little. Me and Johnny used to get along great right after Alex left up until the block. He started pushing me too hard and I don't really talk to anyone. I looked at him. I felt so tired. He looked at me. "So Elisa's back?"

I nodded. "Owen's on a drunken quest for her," I said.

He collapsed back into the chair. "I'm so sick of this tour already," He said.

"You're telling me," I said. Then I frowned a little. I just was so sick of touring all of a sudden. It made me exhausted thinking about another drive.

"You okay dude?" He asked. "We can get you help..."

I looked at him. "No," I said. "I'm fine, I just have a lot going on."

He nodded sitting back. We were quiet. He wasn't much for talking. Paul usually got me going on and on answering questions but me and Johnny got each other. I mean, we got each other a little. Not so much anymore but we knew each other enough. I sighed. "How long until we play?"

He looked at his phone. "Three hours," He said.

I got up. "I'm going to get some cigarettes," I said. "Want to come?"

"No," He said looking at me in an unfamiliar way. "I don't smoke."

* * *

I showed up around bus call and saw all the buses and vans gone except for ours. I got on and looked around. Jonah was in front of my bunk talking to someone. He looked over. "Hey, Bennett," He said. "Out reaking havoc on civilization I see? Any hot babes you want to go on about?"

I gave him a look. "No," I said.

"Guess what?" He asked. "Spinella's getting married to Rain over webcam."

I nodded walking over to the fridge to get some Jack Daniels. Aaron was sitting in his bunk. "Guess who got left behind today?" He asked.

I shrugged pouring the liquid into a small glass. I didn't feel like talking. A girl came up to me today. She was small and pretty. She was no more than sixteen. She looked at me with these two eyes and said I was her hero. That I saved her life. She was so young. I wasn't even eight years older than her. I saved her life. I talked to her a little. She was so happy. So young. So excited. I walked too far. I did saving I didn't deserve to do.

"Elisa," Aaron said. "Owen and the guys left her a few hours ago. They left before bus call."

I looked over. "What?" I said. Then Elisa flicked on a light. She was sitting in the "junk bunk" and waved a little. "No way," I said. "He's such a dick."

Elisa nodded. She looked sad. I took a sip of my Jack Daniels and looked down at the ground. The bus started up. I crossed one arm over my chest. Jonah looked over at me. "What's up?" He asked. They all looked at me in a worried way.

I shook my head not saying anything. I sipped my cup again. You changed my life. My parents got divorced and I just found your CD somehow... and you just... saved my life. Thank you, your music is just... everything to me.

I took out my phone and looked at it. I went down and sat down dialing a phone number and waiting. Jonah came out and "got a beer." He was just listening in. I waited. "Hello?" I felt a rush of sometihng inside of me.

"Hey," I said.

"Oh, hi," She said.

I waited for her to gush like Rainie did when Paul called her the first time in two days. It's been a week since we've talked. I scratched my neck. "What's up?"

"Nothing," She said. "Just out with the girls." There was another pause.

"Oh," I said. "That's cool." I waited. "Are you on your way home or something?"

She paused. "No," She said. "I said I was out with the girls."

I nodded leaning my head onto my neck. I waited for a pang of something. Pain just to wash over me. Enough to make me want to sit down and write a song. Something to ignite some sort of flame inside of me. There was a noise. "I just really need to talk to someone," I said.

"I'll call you tomorrow, if you want," She said. She wasn't being mean. Her voice was peppered with something I couldn't lay my finger on.

I nodded. "Okay," I said. "Have fun tonight."

"I will," She said laughing softly. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I said.

She said a quick goodbye and hung up. I sat there and waited. This was just self destructive. I knew it. I knew who she was with. I wanted something to happen. I wanted a flicker of pain. I wanted the need to yell at her. Ask her how could she use my like this? I am human. I deserve more than some whore like her. But no. I was shallow enough to wait for the anger that wasn't going to come. The bus was moving and I hung my phone up. Looking up to see Jonah look at me in a pitiful way and then Elisa came out.

She pointed at the bottle of Jack Daniels I bought three days ago. "Can I have a glass?" She asked.

I nodded and she poured herself a glass. The lights of the bus caught the glass. Her hands were long and graceful and she held the glass tight to her palm. She took a sip smoothly as if it were water. I got up and poured myself some more. She moved away sitting down where I had. Jonah walked away and I took a deep sip.

"Was that your girlfriend?" She asked suddenly.

I looked at her. "I guess," I said shrugging. "Not really though."

She nodded. We drank silently until I started to feel really shitty. I looked at her. "I'm going to bed," I said. "If you want to climb over me, it's okay. I don't usually wake up so don't worry if you kick me or something."

Aaron stuck his head out. "I slept over him," Aaron said. His computer illuminated his face. "He means it. Last tour I kicked you in the face and you didn't budge." He looked at me. "Now, Spinella'd break your fucking legs."

Paul came out. "What?" He asked.

Aaron looked over. "I'm just talking about what you'd do if Bennett slept with Rainie." He said. Paul rolled his eyes. He ignored that and he came out looking at me.

"What's up?" He said.

I shrugged. "Tired," I said.

"Rain said she saw Brianna the other day," He said. "But Brianna didn't see her."

I nodded. "I doubt Brianna knows who Rain is." I said under my breath.

"Did you guys fight?" Paul asked. I stepped by him.

"I wish."


* * *

I went into the back lounge to change and when I came out Elisa was climbing up into her bunk. She slipped and my hands went out catching her around her hips. I was drunk so it didn't bother me so much. I was drunk with booze and sleep but for a second I mistook us for other forms of outrselves.

I nudged her up into the bunk and she turned over looking down at me. "Thanks," She said.

I smiled a little. "You're welcome."

"Goodnight," She said.

"You too," I said looking at her. She smiled a little and closed the curtain of her bunk for tonight. She was sleeping above me tonight. I swallowed and climbed in and slept the best I've had in months. I don't know if it was my drunken-ness or my exhaustion but I felt safe enough to sleep without bracing the wall of my bunk.

When I woke up she was gone.