"40 steps" the academy is...

hi

i've been having so many problems in my house. not with me directly but i get pulled into it a lot. my mum and my sister are fighting a lot. i'm the younger one. there's this book called "hard love" and the main character- forgot his name >:\- never feels touched. not in a dirty way but nobody ever hugs him or holds his hand or makes contact with him. they talk to him and everything but never actually physical contact- not in a dirt way at all!!!!

to give you a little idea of what's ahead: these are all forcing me towards "last place" but weirdly enough i can feel everything pulling together again. it's hard co-ordinating two stories that are so wrapped up. it's like life. i need to get rainie at this one place and then bennett with her and then her with paul and then bennett with elisa. which hard to believe is extremely hard becuase i'm writing both stories towards the same point where they mold together. i'm not at that night yet but it's getting closer. they're each talking about the same party right now and then next week it's happening. rainie's at friday and elisa's at monday.

i don't want to spoil too much but there's going to be a huge make-over in the "last place" area you'd never believe. it makes it so much more real to me, and personal for that matter. elisa is probably one of my favorite character i've ever concieved- not literally but mentally- and weirdly enough i think it's because we are so alike.

enough about me.

setting: a friday night.
pov: elisa's.

I was just standing on the side. My back was pressed against the wall and I was getting ready to go. Nathan couldn't be at my house still- he was probably getting ready at that club to play- but I wanted to make sure I was going to be alone when I did walk home. But for now I watched a series of girls and friends go up to Bennett and say how great he was.

My heart was still speeding. He made me that tape. That was so weird. He actually listened to me when I talked and remembered it all? Maybe we could be better friends. I didn't know what was holding me back from just taking the jump and talking to him in the halls or... right now.

I couldn't right now. I had to go, the people around him was thinning. He'd see me sooner or later. I pushed off the wall and started walking towards the stairs. I was happy I could tell him thank you for the tape on Monday. Maybe then I wouldn't just wait for English. "Hey, Elisa?"

Then my clean getaway was shattered. I stopped and turned. He was standing there walking past a girl- she was pretty too. My eyes met hers quickly and she just rolled her eyes and mumbled something walking away. I looked at Bennett but he was already halfway to me. I started walking towards him. "Hi," I said tugging my hair.

"I thought you'd be with Nathan," He said quietly. This wasn't me picking Bennett over Nathan. It couldn't be. It wasn't ever like that.

I shrugged. "We have a lot going on," I said. "I don't think we'll last much longer."

"I'm sorry." He meant it. The way he looked it at me and how he said that. He meant everything. He wasn't sorry for me and Nathan. He was just sorry for me. But for some reason I got weak again. I wasn't going to cry I just felt like I was. I never cried. I just shrugged one shoulder and all of a sudden he stepped closer, wrapping his arms around me.

This was so unfamiliar. This felt so weird. My body felt so stiff and cold and plastic. I hesitated at first before wrapping my arms around him. I moved my head so it was against his chest. My heart was going so fast- not because I was hugging Bennett Williams- because I was just hugging Bennett and I could hear his heart going twice the speed of mine. I closed my eyes. This had to be the most comfortable feeling in the world. I never realized how unfamiliar I was to this. Nathan never hugged me. He always just kissed me and if I was ever in his arms he never just held me like this. Bennett wasn't going for anything he was just hugging me. It felt so good to hug him.

I pulled away first. We had to have been standing there too long, but nobody seemed to notice. I looked at his eyes. I couldn't read them but I hope they were disappointed as mine because we had to stop. I never realized how foreign sometihng like a hug could be. I missed them. I wanted my last one back.

* * *

Partly autobiographical. Not about the boy. I've only hugged one boy. Read between the lines. That's how you get to know someone.

jaseyray