hi
what do you think of the direction added to the story in "last place"?
i was thinking about changing something real quick too. i might change it so cass isn't in elisa's english class anymore... would that be too weird? i think i have cass flunk out of their english class or something making it more smooth and stuff because what i have planned is going to make cass look a little... idiotic? perhaps?
i don't know. i need to write it out a little.
i also might go back into "all we ever needed" because i hit a brick wall there and change the end of the last chapter. thoughts?
jaseyray
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
IV - Boston
I lean against the bar and wait. I need a shot of something because my past three are wearing off. I look for the bartender but he's busy and i'm growing weary of standing here. Owen comes up- drunk- clapping a hand on my shoulder and smiling. "What is up, comrade?" He says these things that intelligent people say and he makes them sound like he learned them from his frat house. "What's new?"
"Nothing." I said leaning over seeing the bartender all the way at the other end of the bar. I just want a reason to get away but this bartender is fucking me over. I lean back and wait some more.
"Still with that Brianna-chick?" He asked. Leave it to Owen to bring up my love life before I've shown interest in hearing him breath. I look over at him. He is drunk and he's not going to give up.
"Yeah," I said.
"She's hot," He said raising his eyebrows. I don't mind it much when people say Brianna's hot. I know she is and I have yet to convince people otherwise to make myself feel better about everything. "She soming out with you guys for a little while?" He means on tour- like he's brought "Lise" out on tour with him.
I shake my head. "No," I said. "We're supposed to start writing for the next record this tour." He catches this. He knows the last record was a year and a half ago. They were all urgent break-up songs about some girl that I lost. It's funny when life does this to you. Everyone has a tour like this. I expect there to be some circle at some festival we've played where they swap the ironic tours. This would beat everything. We're opening for a band we hate whose lead singer is sleeping with and bring my ex-girlfriend on who I haven't spoken to since and I can't write a single song to save my band.
"Just get a co-writer, man," He said clapping his hand on my shoulder. "You get singles, you get headlines, you win and all you have to do is put a little star in the CD booklet and write it too small to read that all the songs were written with so-and-so."
I nod. "We don't do that," I said. Owen talks to me normally. He hates Paul. He hates everyone except for me. Then he claps me on my shoulder again. "Just wait," He said.
Then he turns. "Lise," He said. "Hold my place, I have to go see blahh-blah-blah." He said a nambe but I was already convulsing and looking to steal a bottle of something before I stayed there.
I catch it out of the corner of my eye and I feel terrible for her. She didn't rush up smiling- she's frowning. She looks tired and he grabs her arm and scoops her into his place and scoots off without saying anything to me or her after that. A guy from the bar's team just scored a touchdown and he flies back hitting her hard and she just absorbs it. The guy turns around and looks at her but starts to turn. I'm already pissed off. I shove him in the back reaching over her successfully. I'm taller than him. At dark bars it looks like I could have beaten him up.
He turns. I start yelling at him telling him to say he's at least fucking sorry for knocking into her because his mother-fucking football team scored and he looks at Elisa and apologizes. She is in shock I think from me. I haven't said two words to her but here I am flipping out like a clingy boyfri- like a maniac over a guy shoving into her. "It's okay," She says to him.
He apologizes again and moves away from us. I look forward and start to sweat. She's going to say something to me. I know it. She doesn't she just looks miserable. So I take it upon myself. We have all the time in the world and Owen probably isn't coming back.
I have no idea what to say. My head hurts and I want to go for a walk. I look down the bar and see the bartender down there doing flashy stuff while mixing some drink. But Elisa looks over somewhere and when I look Owen has some blonde laughing into a coma as he laughs right back. She isn't jealous. There's nothingness as she watches him. She looks bored.
I'm drunk and I don't know what to say. So I start with the most dick move I've ever made. "How long have you been seeing Owen?" I ask.
She looks up. "Five months," She says blankly. I nod and look back down the bar. Then she gets up and sit on the stool empty behind her. "Are you guys friends?"
I look at her. I shake my head. And then she brightens up a little in relief. "What about the other guys?" She asks. I didn't know what she meant but she means everyone else I sleep on a bus with. I figure it's okay.
"We hate him."
She smiles a little. "Me too,"
I stare at her a little. She's on tour with him and she hates him? Something doesn't make sense. But at least she knows he's a dick. Someone comes in next to me and I'm pushed closer to her. It's almost awkward how close I'm to her after all of this. She doesn't show that she cares she just stands there and looks around.
People are scattered around everywhere and I'm giving up on the booze I'm thirsty for. I run a hand through my hair and wonder if I can leave her or will someone slam into her and she holds Owen's place indefinately.
"How is the band?" She asks me.
I look at her. I feel sick like I'm about to throw up talking to her. I shrug. "Good," I say. "I just don't think we're going to be doing too good. I havne't been writing since our last record."
She nods and she's quiet. There's a part of her that knows the record is a mean break-up record about her. She looks at me. "Do you hate me?" She asked suddenly.
"What?" I stare at her. Where did that come from?
She pauses. "I don't know," She said. "That record was pretty harsh and you wrote it after..." We both grow quiet like we've gone too far. Do I hate her? No. I never could. I'm talking to her which will lead to another brick of my writer's block. I'm waiting to wake up but I don't. "No," I say shaking my head.
She nods. "I'm sorry that record was a little harsh," I said suddenly. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
She shrugged. "It was amazing though," She said. "I love watching you guys play everynight. I didn't even know you were on the tour. But I know I'm not the only one, the room empties out when Owen gets onstage."
There is screaming because someone just hit a homerun but I look at her and she looks down the bar at the bartender. We're bother over twenty-one now but legal alcohol isn't suiting me tonight. I scratch my neck and look down the bar too.
"I'm going to get out of here," I said. "But I'm just going for a walk if you want to come." I feel sick again. My stomach is buzzing with alcohol but I'm sill calm talking to her thanks to the wearing off booze. She looks at me.
"Okay," She jumps off of the stool.
The ironic tour just got more ironic. My ex-girlfriend hates her boyfriend and I'm leaving a bar with her knowing I will be smashing my head into a wall and coming up with another break up song after tonight ends. But it will be a song nonetheless.
"Nothing." I said leaning over seeing the bartender all the way at the other end of the bar. I just want a reason to get away but this bartender is fucking me over. I lean back and wait some more.
"Still with that Brianna-chick?" He asked. Leave it to Owen to bring up my love life before I've shown interest in hearing him breath. I look over at him. He is drunk and he's not going to give up.
"Yeah," I said.
"She's hot," He said raising his eyebrows. I don't mind it much when people say Brianna's hot. I know she is and I have yet to convince people otherwise to make myself feel better about everything. "She soming out with you guys for a little while?" He means on tour- like he's brought "Lise" out on tour with him.
I shake my head. "No," I said. "We're supposed to start writing for the next record this tour." He catches this. He knows the last record was a year and a half ago. They were all urgent break-up songs about some girl that I lost. It's funny when life does this to you. Everyone has a tour like this. I expect there to be some circle at some festival we've played where they swap the ironic tours. This would beat everything. We're opening for a band we hate whose lead singer is sleeping with and bring my ex-girlfriend on who I haven't spoken to since and I can't write a single song to save my band.
"Just get a co-writer, man," He said clapping his hand on my shoulder. "You get singles, you get headlines, you win and all you have to do is put a little star in the CD booklet and write it too small to read that all the songs were written with so-and-so."
I nod. "We don't do that," I said. Owen talks to me normally. He hates Paul. He hates everyone except for me. Then he claps me on my shoulder again. "Just wait," He said.
Then he turns. "Lise," He said. "Hold my place, I have to go see blahh-blah-blah." He said a nambe but I was already convulsing and looking to steal a bottle of something before I stayed there.
I catch it out of the corner of my eye and I feel terrible for her. She didn't rush up smiling- she's frowning. She looks tired and he grabs her arm and scoops her into his place and scoots off without saying anything to me or her after that. A guy from the bar's team just scored a touchdown and he flies back hitting her hard and she just absorbs it. The guy turns around and looks at her but starts to turn. I'm already pissed off. I shove him in the back reaching over her successfully. I'm taller than him. At dark bars it looks like I could have beaten him up.
He turns. I start yelling at him telling him to say he's at least fucking sorry for knocking into her because his mother-fucking football team scored and he looks at Elisa and apologizes. She is in shock I think from me. I haven't said two words to her but here I am flipping out like a clingy boyfri- like a maniac over a guy shoving into her. "It's okay," She says to him.
He apologizes again and moves away from us. I look forward and start to sweat. She's going to say something to me. I know it. She doesn't she just looks miserable. So I take it upon myself. We have all the time in the world and Owen probably isn't coming back.
I have no idea what to say. My head hurts and I want to go for a walk. I look down the bar and see the bartender down there doing flashy stuff while mixing some drink. But Elisa looks over somewhere and when I look Owen has some blonde laughing into a coma as he laughs right back. She isn't jealous. There's nothingness as she watches him. She looks bored.
I'm drunk and I don't know what to say. So I start with the most dick move I've ever made. "How long have you been seeing Owen?" I ask.
She looks up. "Five months," She says blankly. I nod and look back down the bar. Then she gets up and sit on the stool empty behind her. "Are you guys friends?"
I look at her. I shake my head. And then she brightens up a little in relief. "What about the other guys?" She asks. I didn't know what she meant but she means everyone else I sleep on a bus with. I figure it's okay.
"We hate him."
She smiles a little. "Me too,"
I stare at her a little. She's on tour with him and she hates him? Something doesn't make sense. But at least she knows he's a dick. Someone comes in next to me and I'm pushed closer to her. It's almost awkward how close I'm to her after all of this. She doesn't show that she cares she just stands there and looks around.
People are scattered around everywhere and I'm giving up on the booze I'm thirsty for. I run a hand through my hair and wonder if I can leave her or will someone slam into her and she holds Owen's place indefinately.
"How is the band?" She asks me.
I look at her. I feel sick like I'm about to throw up talking to her. I shrug. "Good," I say. "I just don't think we're going to be doing too good. I havne't been writing since our last record."
She nods and she's quiet. There's a part of her that knows the record is a mean break-up record about her. She looks at me. "Do you hate me?" She asked suddenly.
"What?" I stare at her. Where did that come from?
She pauses. "I don't know," She said. "That record was pretty harsh and you wrote it after..." We both grow quiet like we've gone too far. Do I hate her? No. I never could. I'm talking to her which will lead to another brick of my writer's block. I'm waiting to wake up but I don't. "No," I say shaking my head.
She nods. "I'm sorry that record was a little harsh," I said suddenly. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
She shrugged. "It was amazing though," She said. "I love watching you guys play everynight. I didn't even know you were on the tour. But I know I'm not the only one, the room empties out when Owen gets onstage."
There is screaming because someone just hit a homerun but I look at her and she looks down the bar at the bartender. We're bother over twenty-one now but legal alcohol isn't suiting me tonight. I scratch my neck and look down the bar too.
"I'm going to get out of here," I said. "But I'm just going for a walk if you want to come." I feel sick again. My stomach is buzzing with alcohol but I'm sill calm talking to her thanks to the wearing off booze. She looks at me.
"Okay," She jumps off of the stool.
The ironic tour just got more ironic. My ex-girlfriend hates her boyfriend and I'm leaving a bar with her knowing I will be smashing my head into a wall and coming up with another break up song after tonight ends. But it will be a song nonetheless.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
changes....
reposted "last place" under my name.
deleted "leaving" from fanfiction.
making a huge change in "perfect kisses" but not spoiling it.
the change will result in a major change in "last place."
which will then result in a major change in "perfect kisses."
as you can see a lot of things are going to happen in a range of time i will not be able to measure for a while. but in good news: i finally figured out the movie "donnie darko" the fourth time i've seen it.
i also started writing again for "last place" so i'll have something up this week.
jaseyray
deleted "leaving" from fanfiction.
making a huge change in "perfect kisses" but not spoiling it.
the change will result in a major change in "last place."
which will then result in a major change in "perfect kisses."
as you can see a lot of things are going to happen in a range of time i will not be able to measure for a while. but in good news: i finally figured out the movie "donnie darko" the fourth time i've seen it.
i also started writing again for "last place" so i'll have something up this week.
jaseyray
Thursday, October 15, 2009
"the strangers" st. vincent
hi
so i'm working on solving issues lately. i'm uploading all of my stories onto google documents. then i can use them wherever and whatever time i want. booyakasha! i'm working out the timing stuff with bennett vs paul and rainie for "perfect kisses." i'm starting over with my kody and anthony story and looking up more on stomach cancer. i'm trying not to be a cold-hearted bitch and starting to like a boy who is starting to like me back. i'm going to put all of my work also on a jump drive. i'm going to write some short stories this weekend.
so there is this prompt to write a short story about someone facing they're greatest fear. so i wrote this amazing catcher in the rye-esque story and my sister loved it and then my mum says: "i don't like it. it makes no sense... write about someone scared to sing in front of people." truth is: mum... i'm not listening to you. i don't care what you think; i'm not going to ive up my intergrity for some washed up run-of-the-mill short story i already have written about a hundred times.
rant over. keep reading kids or else you won't know what the sentence "the road was steady" when you're around my mother's age. no offense, i love my mum to death but she doesn't understand my writing.
rant officially over.
jaseyray
so i'm working on solving issues lately. i'm uploading all of my stories onto google documents. then i can use them wherever and whatever time i want. booyakasha! i'm working out the timing stuff with bennett vs paul and rainie for "perfect kisses." i'm starting over with my kody and anthony story and looking up more on stomach cancer. i'm trying not to be a cold-hearted bitch and starting to like a boy who is starting to like me back. i'm going to put all of my work also on a jump drive. i'm going to write some short stories this weekend.
so there is this prompt to write a short story about someone facing they're greatest fear. so i wrote this amazing catcher in the rye-esque story and my sister loved it and then my mum says: "i don't like it. it makes no sense... write about someone scared to sing in front of people." truth is: mum... i'm not listening to you. i don't care what you think; i'm not going to ive up my intergrity for some washed up run-of-the-mill short story i already have written about a hundred times.
rant over. keep reading kids or else you won't know what the sentence "the road was steady" when you're around my mother's age. no offense, i love my mum to death but she doesn't understand my writing.
rant officially over.
jaseyray
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
becky's pov ---- setting: carol's then party
The curb was beginning to hurt my ass. Carol told me not to chain smoke in front of her coffeeshop. Heaven forbid anyone sees that she hires people who smoke. I saw Sean finally pull in and I rolled my eyes. He was always so late now. It was the fact that Bennett was an emotional wreck. Boys make no sense. When one of them gets dumped they just all drop their penises and wallow in self-pity or try and get the dumpee out of their beds everymorning. I expected to walk in on Sean giving Bennett head every party I left them alone at to smoke a cigarette.
I stood up and put out my cigarette and he rolled down his window popping out as I walked past him towards my door. "I'm so sorry," He said. "I was-"
"Just shut up," I said. I got in and played with my lip ring. I was pissed at him.
"Becky-baby," He said. "I'm sorry." He gets like a little boy. I looked over at him and gave him a look. He stared at me and pouted a little. I rolled my eyes buckling my seatbelt.
"I need some booze tonight if you're going to be all over your wonder-boy companion." I said.
"Who?" He asked. Boys are retarded too.
"Bennett," I snapped at him. "God, you're like married to him. What the fuck? I thought you said he'd just be a little depressed, I mean Joseph and Spinella make out in the halls all day and birds drop dead when they catch a whiff of how fucking drunk they are with each other and then Bennett loses his spine. I haven't even seen you in a week."
He snorted. "You wouldn't believe this," He said. "But he's got a new girl."
I looked over. Bennett finding a girl this quickly is like a one in a million. I stared at him. "Who? Rachel Powers or someone trashy like that?"
He shook his head smirking a little. "She's obsessed with Sunday Drive," I said.
"So he didn't find a girl," I said. "He found his soul-mate?"
Sean nodded closing his mouth smiling a little. I rolled my eyes. This has to be good.
* * *
We sat on a couch looking for her. Jonah was draped over the couch. "I'm in love with her," He said. "She listens to Saves the Day and likes 'In Reverie' I'm going after her."
Bennett didn't say anything. He just crossed his legs and leaned back against the wall ignoring us. He gave up denying his infesting love for Elisa whoever she was. Now Jonah was going on about her to piss him off. I laughed and leaned against Sean. I forgot how mad I was with him. I pressed my lips into the soft spot under his ear. He turned his face and kissed me and I kissed him back eagerly.
Jonah shot up, I heard the couch creak and we both pealed away from each other to dodge a hit. But he was running after a girl. She was tiny. He smiled and she turned around blushing and looking scared. Bennett looked pissed watching him.
"Is that her?" I asked.
"Yeah," Sean said. Bennett was too drawn into them.
"I know her," I said. "Whats her name again?"
"Elisa,"
"She's friends with the Cassandra girl I work with." I said. "She doesn't talk to anyone and is like a mute. Why would he like her?"
Bennett looked over suddenly. "You know Cass?" He asked.
"Do you know Cass?" I asked.
"Well," He ran his fingers through his hair. "I know of her and I know who she is, I've just never been introduced. She's Elisa's best friend."
"Creep," I said laughing. "What's Elisa's middle name?"
He smiled a little. "Shut up," He said. Sean laughed.
"He knows it," Sean said. "Go on."
Bennett sighed looking over at her and Jonah. She was bright red and touching her neck. "She doesn't have one." He said. I rolled my eyes and got up.
"Come on," I said to Sean. "I'm out of cigarettes."
He got up and he moved his hand around my waist and we left Bennett alone against the wall. He waved and stood up going over to her. I leaned into Sean. "He's bad," I said. "He's in love with her."
Sean laughed. "I know."
We didn't go back to the party, we just made out in his car. Something we haven't done in the three weeks since Joseph and Spinella shacked up again. I saw them walking together away from the party. I see her getting pregnant soon, for some reason. I hope she does. I know something went on between her and Sean because he always stares at her.
I bet they name their illegitimate future child something retarded like you'd expect a ditz like her to name her baby when she's... what seventeen? I hope they name it like Peach or Penelope. That'd be a laugh. The poor kid would be smothered by it's parent's relationship.
I stood up and put out my cigarette and he rolled down his window popping out as I walked past him towards my door. "I'm so sorry," He said. "I was-"
"Just shut up," I said. I got in and played with my lip ring. I was pissed at him.
"Becky-baby," He said. "I'm sorry." He gets like a little boy. I looked over at him and gave him a look. He stared at me and pouted a little. I rolled my eyes buckling my seatbelt.
"I need some booze tonight if you're going to be all over your wonder-boy companion." I said.
"Who?" He asked. Boys are retarded too.
"Bennett," I snapped at him. "God, you're like married to him. What the fuck? I thought you said he'd just be a little depressed, I mean Joseph and Spinella make out in the halls all day and birds drop dead when they catch a whiff of how fucking drunk they are with each other and then Bennett loses his spine. I haven't even seen you in a week."
He snorted. "You wouldn't believe this," He said. "But he's got a new girl."
I looked over. Bennett finding a girl this quickly is like a one in a million. I stared at him. "Who? Rachel Powers or someone trashy like that?"
He shook his head smirking a little. "She's obsessed with Sunday Drive," I said.
"So he didn't find a girl," I said. "He found his soul-mate?"
Sean nodded closing his mouth smiling a little. I rolled my eyes. This has to be good.
* * *
We sat on a couch looking for her. Jonah was draped over the couch. "I'm in love with her," He said. "She listens to Saves the Day and likes 'In Reverie' I'm going after her."
Bennett didn't say anything. He just crossed his legs and leaned back against the wall ignoring us. He gave up denying his infesting love for Elisa whoever she was. Now Jonah was going on about her to piss him off. I laughed and leaned against Sean. I forgot how mad I was with him. I pressed my lips into the soft spot under his ear. He turned his face and kissed me and I kissed him back eagerly.
Jonah shot up, I heard the couch creak and we both pealed away from each other to dodge a hit. But he was running after a girl. She was tiny. He smiled and she turned around blushing and looking scared. Bennett looked pissed watching him.
"Is that her?" I asked.
"Yeah," Sean said. Bennett was too drawn into them.
"I know her," I said. "Whats her name again?"
"Elisa,"
"She's friends with the Cassandra girl I work with." I said. "She doesn't talk to anyone and is like a mute. Why would he like her?"
Bennett looked over suddenly. "You know Cass?" He asked.
"Do you know Cass?" I asked.
"Well," He ran his fingers through his hair. "I know of her and I know who she is, I've just never been introduced. She's Elisa's best friend."
"Creep," I said laughing. "What's Elisa's middle name?"
He smiled a little. "Shut up," He said. Sean laughed.
"He knows it," Sean said. "Go on."
Bennett sighed looking over at her and Jonah. She was bright red and touching her neck. "She doesn't have one." He said. I rolled my eyes and got up.
"Come on," I said to Sean. "I'm out of cigarettes."
He got up and he moved his hand around my waist and we left Bennett alone against the wall. He waved and stood up going over to her. I leaned into Sean. "He's bad," I said. "He's in love with her."
Sean laughed. "I know."
We didn't go back to the party, we just made out in his car. Something we haven't done in the three weeks since Joseph and Spinella shacked up again. I saw them walking together away from the party. I see her getting pregnant soon, for some reason. I hope she does. I know something went on between her and Sean because he always stares at her.
I bet they name their illegitimate future child something retarded like you'd expect a ditz like her to name her baby when she's... what seventeen? I hope they name it like Peach or Penelope. That'd be a laugh. The poor kid would be smothered by it's parent's relationship.
"annabelle" a rocket to the moon
hi
turns out there's something wrong with the cd all of my writing is on. i lost all of my kody and anthony story. i lost 5,000 words of a "last place" chapter. i have no choice but to rewrite "perfect kisses." i lost an old story starter for the noah and amanda story if you remember that.
i'm in shock. i'm in over my head right now. i hate this computer business.
life lesson: save everything on a jump drive.
jaseyray
turns out there's something wrong with the cd all of my writing is on. i lost all of my kody and anthony story. i lost 5,000 words of a "last place" chapter. i have no choice but to rewrite "perfect kisses." i lost an old story starter for the noah and amanda story if you remember that.
i'm in shock. i'm in over my head right now. i hate this computer business.
life lesson: save everything on a jump drive.
jaseyray
Monday, October 12, 2009
"substitution" silversun pickups
hi
so i got really nervous today because the computer i told you about- the one that's sick- well, it went under and right now it's no longer with us. so at first i was overwhelmed with grief and the anxiety because me writing is all on that computer!!!!
and i thought for a second you know... eff it. just post something. so i did. and all my writing is on a disk so i'll be uploading it onto this computer and then i'll be ready to rock because i'm changing a lot in "last place" and it's going to be exciting for me to write it.
i let my sister read some of my work- which i always want to do but she never is in the mood to read it. i gave her two short stories- one i posted here about the boy being afraid of the dark and she loved them so i'm going to leave her chapters from "at the bottom" and maybe a chapter from "perfect kisses" i'm not sure yet. but i'm really excited now.
and i told my friends about my writing. nobody knows i write in school because i don't want to talk about it. i usually just talk about it to my sister sometimes when we go for walks but i told my friend about it and she forgot about it instantly. but i don't know. i did this thing in school where you had to fill out two truths then a lie and i wrote "i am an online writer" and everyone picked that one but i said no: i actually do write and post stories online but i'd never let anyone in school read them. it'd give them another reason to treat me funny.
anyways i'll stop rambling. main idea: you'll be getting a lot more posts from me now. i promise.
and also: i think i'm ready to write "perfect kisses" again :)
so i got really nervous today because the computer i told you about- the one that's sick- well, it went under and right now it's no longer with us. so at first i was overwhelmed with grief and the anxiety because me writing is all on that computer!!!!
and i thought for a second you know... eff it. just post something. so i did. and all my writing is on a disk so i'll be uploading it onto this computer and then i'll be ready to rock because i'm changing a lot in "last place" and it's going to be exciting for me to write it.
i let my sister read some of my work- which i always want to do but she never is in the mood to read it. i gave her two short stories- one i posted here about the boy being afraid of the dark and she loved them so i'm going to leave her chapters from "at the bottom" and maybe a chapter from "perfect kisses" i'm not sure yet. but i'm really excited now.
and i told my friends about my writing. nobody knows i write in school because i don't want to talk about it. i usually just talk about it to my sister sometimes when we go for walks but i told my friend about it and she forgot about it instantly. but i don't know. i did this thing in school where you had to fill out two truths then a lie and i wrote "i am an online writer" and everyone picked that one but i said no: i actually do write and post stories online but i'd never let anyone in school read them. it'd give them another reason to treat me funny.
anyways i'll stop rambling. main idea: you'll be getting a lot more posts from me now. i promise.
and also: i think i'm ready to write "perfect kisses" again :)
Friday, October 9, 2009
short story
He rested his head on the pillow and just lay there staring at the glowing outline of the shade of his window. The room had a thin film of darkness in the air but the small boy climbed out of bed and went over to the window softly peaking out and seeing down at the small children running and playing. Their laughter rose and rang in his ears. And he watched them- children his age or only a few years older or younger.
It struck him odd to know he was supposed to be going to bed at such a time, but reflecting on this he did not remember much of the afternoon. He just remembered the children playing in the street. There was the steady beat of a jump rope and the bounce of rubber balls as they hit the pavement. But the children’s laughter struck the boy most. He watched them until the small children were all called in for supper and the streets grew dark on their own.
And the boy still stood: watching suddenly another child walk out into the street. Only this was not a child like the children he that once inhabited the street. He sat down on the steps of a house that rarely anyone went into or out of- only Mrs. Greene lived there. She was old and mean and snapped at the small children when they shouted too loud or laughed to loud, but the older child sat there.
He was sixteen- but to the small boy peering out of his window with the shade banging against his awkward shoulder blades that poked out whenever the wind swept in- this young man was no more different than him. Although passive to their similarity the young boy just peered out at him. His hair was dark and thick much like his own. They both sat and waited for nothing they quite understood.
The streetlight flickered on after a few more minutes and the small boy stared at them. The one just beneath his window was his safety. Despite the teasing, the small boy just stared at the light. It kept the night away from his window. It was like the guardian angels he was told about sometimes in school. He leaned onto his window and then looked past the light to the boy. He was standing now and looking at the streetlight. His eyes glowed from far away with the dim light.
For so long both have relied on this light but all at once the light faded slowly like time falling from the face of a clock. It flickered softly in the night and both boys straightened and stared at the sickly light. It struggled as if it were the flashing wings of moths to keep the single light afloat on the short street. There were moments of darkness that were short but struck terror into the little boy.
And finally the light went out.
The streetlight gave up it’s fight.
Terror struck the small boy in his stomach. He felt sick suddenly and waited hopelessly for the light to return. But no, the light did not return. He turned around slowly letting the shade slip away from his back and he faced the pitch dark of his room. His jaw fell open slightly and he stared into it.
He remained motionless, as if by moving he’d be snatched up. He breathed without a single rise in his chest and he closed his eyes staring at the man-made darkness of his eyelids. When he opened them he heard the stumble from the Monster and he dashed quickly for his bed finding it’s safety as he heard the Monster growing closer. He leapt upon the soft mattress and under the blankets. He clasped his shaking hands and held himself tightly.
His guardian angel was gone.
He breathed softly and saw the light of his guardian angel’s opposite. And he whimpered softly. Darkness was now tickling his ankles and rather than kick them, he endured. The Monster walked past his room. The dark shadow’s of It’s feet were shown underneath the door and the little boy just watched in terror. His eyes wide and begging for the invisible white to be reveled in the darkness but all was black except for the light beneath the slit in his door.
The light went out and for a moment he felt relief. Because at least he knew the Monster was gone. All he had to face now was the monsters he had never seen before. And that seemed a smaller feat.
When the streetlight was fixed the children played in the streets under the man who replaced the light. That night there was no small boy in that room because the nights of darkness had gotten the best of him finally.
It struck him odd to know he was supposed to be going to bed at such a time, but reflecting on this he did not remember much of the afternoon. He just remembered the children playing in the street. There was the steady beat of a jump rope and the bounce of rubber balls as they hit the pavement. But the children’s laughter struck the boy most. He watched them until the small children were all called in for supper and the streets grew dark on their own.
And the boy still stood: watching suddenly another child walk out into the street. Only this was not a child like the children he that once inhabited the street. He sat down on the steps of a house that rarely anyone went into or out of- only Mrs. Greene lived there. She was old and mean and snapped at the small children when they shouted too loud or laughed to loud, but the older child sat there.
He was sixteen- but to the small boy peering out of his window with the shade banging against his awkward shoulder blades that poked out whenever the wind swept in- this young man was no more different than him. Although passive to their similarity the young boy just peered out at him. His hair was dark and thick much like his own. They both sat and waited for nothing they quite understood.
The streetlight flickered on after a few more minutes and the small boy stared at them. The one just beneath his window was his safety. Despite the teasing, the small boy just stared at the light. It kept the night away from his window. It was like the guardian angels he was told about sometimes in school. He leaned onto his window and then looked past the light to the boy. He was standing now and looking at the streetlight. His eyes glowed from far away with the dim light.
For so long both have relied on this light but all at once the light faded slowly like time falling from the face of a clock. It flickered softly in the night and both boys straightened and stared at the sickly light. It struggled as if it were the flashing wings of moths to keep the single light afloat on the short street. There were moments of darkness that were short but struck terror into the little boy.
And finally the light went out.
The streetlight gave up it’s fight.
Terror struck the small boy in his stomach. He felt sick suddenly and waited hopelessly for the light to return. But no, the light did not return. He turned around slowly letting the shade slip away from his back and he faced the pitch dark of his room. His jaw fell open slightly and he stared into it.
He remained motionless, as if by moving he’d be snatched up. He breathed without a single rise in his chest and he closed his eyes staring at the man-made darkness of his eyelids. When he opened them he heard the stumble from the Monster and he dashed quickly for his bed finding it’s safety as he heard the Monster growing closer. He leapt upon the soft mattress and under the blankets. He clasped his shaking hands and held himself tightly.
His guardian angel was gone.
He breathed softly and saw the light of his guardian angel’s opposite. And he whimpered softly. Darkness was now tickling his ankles and rather than kick them, he endured. The Monster walked past his room. The dark shadow’s of It’s feet were shown underneath the door and the little boy just watched in terror. His eyes wide and begging for the invisible white to be reveled in the darkness but all was black except for the light beneath the slit in his door.
The light went out and for a moment he felt relief. Because at least he knew the Monster was gone. All he had to face now was the monsters he had never seen before. And that seemed a smaller feat.
When the streetlight was fixed the children played in the streets under the man who replaced the light. That night there was no small boy in that room because the nights of darkness had gotten the best of him finally.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
"simon" zolof & the rock and roll destroyer
hi
unfortunatly... my problems have multiplied. my computer is gone. it's at the doctors. i think it has swine flu. or TB. the bacteria causing it is ammune to the antibiotics so... *sigh* it's going to be a little sick for a little while so i'm going to bring in zolof burned cds to make it feel better and chicken soup for me because if i spill some on it my problems will just get worse.
so... to lighten the mood i'm buying ironic glasses this weekend. ironic glasses being glasses that look real but i know aren't making me a hipster- i know, but hipsters are the shit. i'm a geek anyways so glasses will only help me now. i also changed the contact name ov twitter in my phone to simon so whenever i get texts they're all from simon. *shrugs* i thought it was pretty funny. i am also finishing "catcher in the rye" tonight.
what else... what else... what else...
oh! whaddya think of the series of one-shots coming together? i have been working on it for a little while to make me feel like writing "perfect kisses" but i am getting into a music writing kick. i write songs like if "tomorrow's just too late" by kevin devine and "40 steps" by the academy is... and jenny lewis had a baby and it was a song. *shrugs* i think it's pretty rad.
but i have stopped my painting kick. and my writing kick. and am starting a reading kick. i'm a pretty artsy chick. i'm also getting into photography. i like my photos so far. my sister kind of shrugged them off, but come on, it's like brand new's album artwork for "daisy" and my front lawn had a baby and it's a pretty cool picture.
so i'm buttering you up buttercup for badnewsbears. i will not be posting anything until the emotional blow that is my lack there of a computer is resolved.
simon just texted me! peace
jaseyray
unfortunatly... my problems have multiplied. my computer is gone. it's at the doctors. i think it has swine flu. or TB. the bacteria causing it is ammune to the antibiotics so... *sigh* it's going to be a little sick for a little while so i'm going to bring in zolof burned cds to make it feel better and chicken soup for me because if i spill some on it my problems will just get worse.
so... to lighten the mood i'm buying ironic glasses this weekend. ironic glasses being glasses that look real but i know aren't making me a hipster- i know, but hipsters are the shit. i'm a geek anyways so glasses will only help me now. i also changed the contact name ov twitter in my phone to simon so whenever i get texts they're all from simon. *shrugs* i thought it was pretty funny. i am also finishing "catcher in the rye" tonight.
what else... what else... what else...
oh! whaddya think of the series of one-shots coming together? i have been working on it for a little while to make me feel like writing "perfect kisses" but i am getting into a music writing kick. i write songs like if "tomorrow's just too late" by kevin devine and "40 steps" by the academy is... and jenny lewis had a baby and it was a song. *shrugs* i think it's pretty rad.
but i have stopped my painting kick. and my writing kick. and am starting a reading kick. i'm a pretty artsy chick. i'm also getting into photography. i like my photos so far. my sister kind of shrugged them off, but come on, it's like brand new's album artwork for "daisy" and my front lawn had a baby and it's a pretty cool picture.
so i'm buttering you up buttercup for badnewsbears. i will not be posting anything until the emotional blow that is my lack there of a computer is resolved.
simon just texted me! peace
jaseyray
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
III - Opposites Attract
The bus is sitting alone the the parking lot. It's chugging- a mechanical beast to bring us all over the country. I walk on and Jonah's lying there on the ground laughing like an idiot with Aaron planting a foot on his chest. I walk past them and into the bunks. "Help me, fuck," I hear behind me but I just climb into my bunk and curl up bracing the side. In a few minutes the bust starts up and it drives. It was waiting for me. But nobody says a word. I just hope to God she's gone.
* * *
I wake up the same I did yesterday but to Jonah's hand gripping my neck. I jump and he laughs pulling open my curtain. "What's up pretty boy?" He asks. The 'pretty boy' pet name needs to stop but I just roll my eyes and shove him away reaching to close my bunk again. "Want Subway?" He asks. "Some of the Owen guys and Paul and shit are walking. I'll get you your usual?"
I shrug. "Sure," I say. I pause looking at him. "Thanks."
"I'll put it in the fridge too," He says slapping my cheek teasingly. "Right after I go on the message board and rant about how much of a dick you are. I mean, even Owen can ger his own fucking sandwich- he doesn't send his rhythm guitarist to do it for him."
I close my bunk and curl up against the side. We've landed. A city away from her. A state possibly too but I don't bother looking at the dates. It's a Tuesday. And it's some day in March. In twenty minutes I get up and walk to the back lounge. The bus is silent. I'm completely alone. I look at the guitar case- strapped to the wall with a bungee chord. I look at it for a few minutes and then walk over and touch it. The case, and I find myself a minute later with a guitar in my arms. It sits awkwardly but grows more comfortable.
I play a C-chord. A G-chord. Then I play chords I made up. Paul told me their names when I was in high school- which seems so much more than three years ago. I freeze and stare at my hands watching them move. My fingers hitting each chord gently. It's her song. I couldn't remember it last time I was alone and with a guitar. It was when Sarah went to school one morning a week ago.
I do try to write music again but they are all covers and rip-offs of other bands and Red Letter Day. I try. And I stare at my hands like they are fucking ghosts. Then I swallow and try again. That song comes out effortlessly. I play it. Strumming it and remembering it. The words. I wish I named it something better but the name is simple.
Sitting here is making me nauseus. I put down the guitar and stare at it. I'm a lost cause. They're going ot have to rely on outside people to write songs which will make Paul quit the band. He would never put up with that shit. Then everyone else would. Without Paul we probably have nothing else. Maybe a few years ago we could have survived losing Paul, but I'm fucking useless without him.
In twenty minute he comes up and finds me. "You writing?" He asks.
"Stop fucking asking if I'm writing." I said under my breath. I sat back and let the guitar sit. He walked over and got a tape and handed it to me. "I wrote some chords," He said. He doesn't listen or he ignores me. "Listen to them. I really like them. If you do then I'll bring it to the guys."
I nod and take it. I walk back to my bunk and toss it in climbing in after it. I lie in my bunk until Paul comes by and gets me for soundcheck. You can tell he just talked to Rain because he has energy. He horses around and gets me out. At soundcheck he starts plucking out Oasis songs. I look back at the guys. We have a lot of time to soundcheck.
"'Opposites Attract'!" Aaron yells out and James and Jonah and him simutaneously start playing Paula Abdul. I smile and look at them. Paul rolls his eyes and tunes his guitar as Jonah starts belting out the chorus and dances around like the fucking animated cat.
They stop when the sound guy flips the shit. "Sorry," I say into the mic smiling still. They do that all the time to piss Paul off. Or the sound guy. I think it's hilarious like Johnny. Suddenly from the sides I see her. She's standing leaning onto her hand listening to us. She looks at me. Still here. She's frozen. And she lifts her hand in a wave. I nod and look ahead quickly. I fix my mic. And after threatening another Paula Abdul cover we finish up and I get the hell out of there.
She's still here. I feel ready to collapse because of this. Why is she still here?
* * *
I wake up the same I did yesterday but to Jonah's hand gripping my neck. I jump and he laughs pulling open my curtain. "What's up pretty boy?" He asks. The 'pretty boy' pet name needs to stop but I just roll my eyes and shove him away reaching to close my bunk again. "Want Subway?" He asks. "Some of the Owen guys and Paul and shit are walking. I'll get you your usual?"
I shrug. "Sure," I say. I pause looking at him. "Thanks."
"I'll put it in the fridge too," He says slapping my cheek teasingly. "Right after I go on the message board and rant about how much of a dick you are. I mean, even Owen can ger his own fucking sandwich- he doesn't send his rhythm guitarist to do it for him."
I close my bunk and curl up against the side. We've landed. A city away from her. A state possibly too but I don't bother looking at the dates. It's a Tuesday. And it's some day in March. In twenty minutes I get up and walk to the back lounge. The bus is silent. I'm completely alone. I look at the guitar case- strapped to the wall with a bungee chord. I look at it for a few minutes and then walk over and touch it. The case, and I find myself a minute later with a guitar in my arms. It sits awkwardly but grows more comfortable.
I play a C-chord. A G-chord. Then I play chords I made up. Paul told me their names when I was in high school- which seems so much more than three years ago. I freeze and stare at my hands watching them move. My fingers hitting each chord gently. It's her song. I couldn't remember it last time I was alone and with a guitar. It was when Sarah went to school one morning a week ago.
I do try to write music again but they are all covers and rip-offs of other bands and Red Letter Day. I try. And I stare at my hands like they are fucking ghosts. Then I swallow and try again. That song comes out effortlessly. I play it. Strumming it and remembering it. The words. I wish I named it something better but the name is simple.
Sitting here is making me nauseus. I put down the guitar and stare at it. I'm a lost cause. They're going ot have to rely on outside people to write songs which will make Paul quit the band. He would never put up with that shit. Then everyone else would. Without Paul we probably have nothing else. Maybe a few years ago we could have survived losing Paul, but I'm fucking useless without him.
In twenty minute he comes up and finds me. "You writing?" He asks.
"Stop fucking asking if I'm writing." I said under my breath. I sat back and let the guitar sit. He walked over and got a tape and handed it to me. "I wrote some chords," He said. He doesn't listen or he ignores me. "Listen to them. I really like them. If you do then I'll bring it to the guys."
I nod and take it. I walk back to my bunk and toss it in climbing in after it. I lie in my bunk until Paul comes by and gets me for soundcheck. You can tell he just talked to Rain because he has energy. He horses around and gets me out. At soundcheck he starts plucking out Oasis songs. I look back at the guys. We have a lot of time to soundcheck.
"'Opposites Attract'!" Aaron yells out and James and Jonah and him simutaneously start playing Paula Abdul. I smile and look at them. Paul rolls his eyes and tunes his guitar as Jonah starts belting out the chorus and dances around like the fucking animated cat.
They stop when the sound guy flips the shit. "Sorry," I say into the mic smiling still. They do that all the time to piss Paul off. Or the sound guy. I think it's hilarious like Johnny. Suddenly from the sides I see her. She's standing leaning onto her hand listening to us. She looks at me. Still here. She's frozen. And she lifts her hand in a wave. I nod and look ahead quickly. I fix my mic. And after threatening another Paula Abdul cover we finish up and I get the hell out of there.
She's still here. I feel ready to collapse because of this. Why is she still here?
Monday, October 5, 2009
II - Nothing Feels Good
The lights went out and we walked out on stage. I didn't wait to go last, I didn't want to. I never did. I wasn't any better than the rest of them. They were all better musicians than me. The lights came on when Paul started playing the opening riff to a song I've sung a million times. I walked over ot the microphone and picked it up hoisting it up into the air and the crowd suddenly answered. In a flash everything got loud and fast.
The crowd answered me as I sang the last good song I wrote with Paul. It was written almost two years ago. And don't get me wrong, this song means so much to me but it isn't the same. People always telling me about their interpretations of it, I don't go around parading it's about some girl I'm trying to forget, but I begin to second guess every word written to it.
I stopped and there was one voice in my head singing the words for me. It was the crowd all belting out that one bridge that took me ten minutes to write. This was once a thrill to this. An excitement an adrenaline rush but here I was singing the same songs and not remembering why I was. I wrote this line to mean something, but it didn't mean anything anymore. And I started singing again becoming a machine. My heart the push-play and my mouth the speakers filled with static. The noise in the background were four of my closest friends and here I was holding them back.
There is one reason why I never quit the band. They always make me play an acoustic song. Paul knows it's slowly killing me but I couldn't bring myself to pop pain-killers or drugs worth dying for. They give me a guitar and I walk out to the middle of the stage to the crowd screaming and yelling.
"Okay, this is a slow one," I said looking at everyone. "I think you guys all know it, but if you don't... well I guess someone's gotta' be thinking you should... so here goes..." I started playing slowly. I find the dot and watch it carefully as I set up my fingers. I close my eyes and I see her standing there like she used to. I start playing and it all starts to blur. I sing to her, say I'm sorry, write it out and play it with my everything. I feel myself yelling- not at her- at myself. This is my zen. This is my moment where I but my flesh off and stand naked in front of a million faces and Brad of people I don't remember to have met if I have.
This is when I kill cells somewhere... I slowly eat myself alive from the inside. And like any drug it feels fucking good. It feels fucking amazing. The peak of this high is the chorus that comes in last like my favorite Saves the Day song and I sing it until I'm done. I could sing it a million times but I limit myself to when I feel sweat coating my body worse than before and everyone is screaming with me. It feels fucking fantastic.
I break and step away and walk quickly to the side ofd the stage giving off my guitar to someone else and in an instant I pretend it never happened. I never sang those words. I never saw her in my head staring at me or looking at me or studying me. Nobody notices- or they just ignore it- the crowd is still yelling and I go out and play one last song. People scream and go crazy. A sea of hands reach out ready to snatch my up but I stay on stage and sing and surrender and feel my skin tighten and the sweat clinging. My high is over. I have to let the drug wear off into a steady beating pain under my skin somewhere.
The crowd doesn't want us to go. They literally chant in unison for an encore but we have fifty minutes out of forty five to play and the crew even looks dissappointed when we stalk off and leave. We go take showers and we go on our buses and pretend the crowd isn't emptying out of the venue to try and beat us to the bus.
I miss the gaddamn van sometimes. Nobody knew it was our van and we usually could hide in the venue longer and shower and shit or sneak off to a hotel but we have the bus. A house on wheels. And as glamorous as it looks it gets old. I shower in the venue and pull on a change of clothes. My hair is still wet so I press a towel to it. My shoes are ratty and falling apart but I can't chance getting fungus on my feet or disease. I keep them on and walk into the hall with a towel around my neck.
I walk over towards the buses where there's a security guard grunting and hissing. I think I'm just seeing things. Skhizophrenia is finally setting in. I'm seeing fucking mirages like Jonah does when he's high. I stop and look past the guard.
Then in three seconds I hear Owen confirm it. "Lise," He says. This is Lise? This is the fucking Lise he told me about on the summer tour? The girl he says he fucks day-in-and-day-out. I pictured a whore or someone like Sarah but no. Lise. Lise. Lise. "She's with me."
The security guard steps out of the way. And suddenly I see her face drain of any meaning. She stares at me. I am staring at my death. I'm staring at a fucking ghost. I walk past them as Owen clears in and presses his hands all over her hips. "Oh, Ben!" He says. "Fuck, you never met Lise, huh?"
I turn around still walking. "Nope," I say. I look at her still walking backwards."Nice-to-meet-you." I turn and keep walking. I get on the bus and find Paul walking around in basketball shorts with his computer under his arm. He lives on that thing. I swear. Wait until we hit the other coast and he wakes up at certain times to talk to Rainie.
"What's up with you?" He asks.
Paul's the only one I'd tell this to. I'm fucking pissed. I point out towards the building. "Owen's fucking Elisa." I say.
"What?" He asks. I've never said her name outloud. It rolls off of my tongue like the curse of a lord. It's the worst swear possible.
"She's in the fucking building." I said. "He's fucking sleeping with her."
Paul freezes and puts down his computer. "You okay?" He asks.
"No," I say walking over to the fridge. "I'm not fucking okay!" I'm yelling at him. Why the fuck am I so pissed? "She's fucking in there. She fucking saw me. She's going to fucking-"
"Calm down," He said.
"I can't fucking calm down!" I said loudly. Then Johnny comes on the bus.
"What?" He says. "Did they find the bodies or something?" Paul doesn't even look at him. He just studies me as I pace. I get out a bottle of Jack Daniel's and down it.
"When's bus call?" I asked softening my tone a little.
"Two," Johnny says. "Owen fucked around with it."
I put the Jack Daniel's down. "I'm not staying," I say. "I'm going to walk around."
They don't follow me. You should never follow me. I am the worst person to ever go on a walk when I'm pissed. I just remember what buildings I see. I walk quickly. I check my phone. It's nine thirty. I walk two hours and fifteen minutes in one direction and turn around and come back. I keep walking. I want to punch fucking brick walls.
I don't know why. We didn't fight to break up. In fact it's my fault we even did. It just sucks. I feel like a teenager again. I stop eventually in the park and sit down against a tree. I don't care if I'm sitting on piss or shit or disease. I just breath in and out.
That's what it's like when you see that one person. The person that fucked you up and can never forget. For me she was the first girl I ever loved. She was my high school sweetheart and the reason I got through high school period. And somehow I ended up alone. I ended up sitting here under a fucking tree potentially catching disease and more problems, but I'm sitting here because I was stupid.
I'm sitting here because I think about her every day. I picture us meeting up again and she'll be the same. She'll still laugh the same and love Sunday Drive and drink coffee with so much coffee it gives you cavaties with every sip. The same girl who knows all the words to "Lisa's Birthday Tape" and can recite them with a straight face unless you make eye contact with her. I picture myself marrying her and having kids. I don't do that intentionally. When I'm drunk or don't care what I'm thinking I stop myself.
I just cut myself whenever I do. I don't do creepy things like name them and decide what they're be when they grow up- I mean the kids I mean- because I know we'll never even talk again. Owen's going to fuck her over and she'll be gone. I try not to picture him after the show pressing his hands against her and touching her.
I think it's the Jack Daniel's but I want to fucking die.
You don't know what it's like when the person who fucked you up comes back. I realize I wan't really yelling at Paul, I just assume I was. I was just talking and freaking out like a two-year-old. I'll apologize eventually as soon as I forget.
I just wish I got a better look at her to see how things have changed.
The crowd answered me as I sang the last good song I wrote with Paul. It was written almost two years ago. And don't get me wrong, this song means so much to me but it isn't the same. People always telling me about their interpretations of it, I don't go around parading it's about some girl I'm trying to forget, but I begin to second guess every word written to it.
I stopped and there was one voice in my head singing the words for me. It was the crowd all belting out that one bridge that took me ten minutes to write. This was once a thrill to this. An excitement an adrenaline rush but here I was singing the same songs and not remembering why I was. I wrote this line to mean something, but it didn't mean anything anymore. And I started singing again becoming a machine. My heart the push-play and my mouth the speakers filled with static. The noise in the background were four of my closest friends and here I was holding them back.
There is one reason why I never quit the band. They always make me play an acoustic song. Paul knows it's slowly killing me but I couldn't bring myself to pop pain-killers or drugs worth dying for. They give me a guitar and I walk out to the middle of the stage to the crowd screaming and yelling.
"Okay, this is a slow one," I said looking at everyone. "I think you guys all know it, but if you don't... well I guess someone's gotta' be thinking you should... so here goes..." I started playing slowly. I find the dot and watch it carefully as I set up my fingers. I close my eyes and I see her standing there like she used to. I start playing and it all starts to blur. I sing to her, say I'm sorry, write it out and play it with my everything. I feel myself yelling- not at her- at myself. This is my zen. This is my moment where I but my flesh off and stand naked in front of a million faces and Brad of people I don't remember to have met if I have.
This is when I kill cells somewhere... I slowly eat myself alive from the inside. And like any drug it feels fucking good. It feels fucking amazing. The peak of this high is the chorus that comes in last like my favorite Saves the Day song and I sing it until I'm done. I could sing it a million times but I limit myself to when I feel sweat coating my body worse than before and everyone is screaming with me. It feels fucking fantastic.
I break and step away and walk quickly to the side ofd the stage giving off my guitar to someone else and in an instant I pretend it never happened. I never sang those words. I never saw her in my head staring at me or looking at me or studying me. Nobody notices- or they just ignore it- the crowd is still yelling and I go out and play one last song. People scream and go crazy. A sea of hands reach out ready to snatch my up but I stay on stage and sing and surrender and feel my skin tighten and the sweat clinging. My high is over. I have to let the drug wear off into a steady beating pain under my skin somewhere.
The crowd doesn't want us to go. They literally chant in unison for an encore but we have fifty minutes out of forty five to play and the crew even looks dissappointed when we stalk off and leave. We go take showers and we go on our buses and pretend the crowd isn't emptying out of the venue to try and beat us to the bus.
I miss the gaddamn van sometimes. Nobody knew it was our van and we usually could hide in the venue longer and shower and shit or sneak off to a hotel but we have the bus. A house on wheels. And as glamorous as it looks it gets old. I shower in the venue and pull on a change of clothes. My hair is still wet so I press a towel to it. My shoes are ratty and falling apart but I can't chance getting fungus on my feet or disease. I keep them on and walk into the hall with a towel around my neck.
I walk over towards the buses where there's a security guard grunting and hissing. I think I'm just seeing things. Skhizophrenia is finally setting in. I'm seeing fucking mirages like Jonah does when he's high. I stop and look past the guard.
Then in three seconds I hear Owen confirm it. "Lise," He says. This is Lise? This is the fucking Lise he told me about on the summer tour? The girl he says he fucks day-in-and-day-out. I pictured a whore or someone like Sarah but no. Lise. Lise. Lise. "She's with me."
The security guard steps out of the way. And suddenly I see her face drain of any meaning. She stares at me. I am staring at my death. I'm staring at a fucking ghost. I walk past them as Owen clears in and presses his hands all over her hips. "Oh, Ben!" He says. "Fuck, you never met Lise, huh?"
I turn around still walking. "Nope," I say. I look at her still walking backwards."Nice-to-meet-you." I turn and keep walking. I get on the bus and find Paul walking around in basketball shorts with his computer under his arm. He lives on that thing. I swear. Wait until we hit the other coast and he wakes up at certain times to talk to Rainie.
"What's up with you?" He asks.
Paul's the only one I'd tell this to. I'm fucking pissed. I point out towards the building. "Owen's fucking Elisa." I say.
"What?" He asks. I've never said her name outloud. It rolls off of my tongue like the curse of a lord. It's the worst swear possible.
"She's in the fucking building." I said. "He's fucking sleeping with her."
Paul freezes and puts down his computer. "You okay?" He asks.
"No," I say walking over to the fridge. "I'm not fucking okay!" I'm yelling at him. Why the fuck am I so pissed? "She's fucking in there. She fucking saw me. She's going to fucking-"
"Calm down," He said.
"I can't fucking calm down!" I said loudly. Then Johnny comes on the bus.
"What?" He says. "Did they find the bodies or something?" Paul doesn't even look at him. He just studies me as I pace. I get out a bottle of Jack Daniel's and down it.
"When's bus call?" I asked softening my tone a little.
"Two," Johnny says. "Owen fucked around with it."
I put the Jack Daniel's down. "I'm not staying," I say. "I'm going to walk around."
They don't follow me. You should never follow me. I am the worst person to ever go on a walk when I'm pissed. I just remember what buildings I see. I walk quickly. I check my phone. It's nine thirty. I walk two hours and fifteen minutes in one direction and turn around and come back. I keep walking. I want to punch fucking brick walls.
I don't know why. We didn't fight to break up. In fact it's my fault we even did. It just sucks. I feel like a teenager again. I stop eventually in the park and sit down against a tree. I don't care if I'm sitting on piss or shit or disease. I just breath in and out.
That's what it's like when you see that one person. The person that fucked you up and can never forget. For me she was the first girl I ever loved. She was my high school sweetheart and the reason I got through high school period. And somehow I ended up alone. I ended up sitting here under a fucking tree potentially catching disease and more problems, but I'm sitting here because I was stupid.
I'm sitting here because I think about her every day. I picture us meeting up again and she'll be the same. She'll still laugh the same and love Sunday Drive and drink coffee with so much coffee it gives you cavaties with every sip. The same girl who knows all the words to "Lisa's Birthday Tape" and can recite them with a straight face unless you make eye contact with her. I picture myself marrying her and having kids. I don't do that intentionally. When I'm drunk or don't care what I'm thinking I stop myself.
I just cut myself whenever I do. I don't do creepy things like name them and decide what they're be when they grow up- I mean the kids I mean- because I know we'll never even talk again. Owen's going to fuck her over and she'll be gone. I try not to picture him after the show pressing his hands against her and touching her.
I think it's the Jack Daniel's but I want to fucking die.
You don't know what it's like when the person who fucked you up comes back. I realize I wan't really yelling at Paul, I just assume I was. I was just talking and freaking out like a two-year-old. I'll apologize eventually as soon as I forget.
I just wish I got a better look at her to see how things have changed.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I - Reintroduction
Clausterphobia set in, as it does every morning, and I questioned if I woke up dead or something. I sat up and hit my head on the ceiling. There was no getting used to this. The second show of the tour was tonight. I felt the sweat of last night dry on my skin. I opened the curtain and climbed out onto the ground.
I wanted to get a clean shirt. I walked into the backlounge and Paul was sitting at his labtop with his headphones on smiling a little typing busily to Rain. I went into the "closet" and got a t-shirt out of my stack of shirts. I stripped and put it on turning back and catching Rain on Paul's computer screen smiling and writing back busily.
There was a leg poking out of Jonah's bunk and Aaron's bunk was flashing as he watched some action movie. I walked out into the front lounge and saw the coffee brewing. I poured myself a mug seeing Johnny pouring over his bent folded copy of Charles Bukowski' "Ham on Rye." We were parked and looking out at a brick wall and a sidewalk. The scenery of where-ever we were was astonishing.
Brick to the right and an empty gas station to the left. What a beautiful city. They've outdone themselves when it comes to the upkeep of it. But the kids were all the same. They all came out every date and show and sang along and asked for hugs and pictures and autographs. "I loved this record." and "You saved my life." I didn't feel like talking much to people anymore. I didn't feel like having the same conversation day in and day out.
Johnny looked up. "You depressed?" He asked.
I looked at him. "Nope," I said.
He looked at me and waited. I didn't say anything. "Write it out, dude," He said. That's all everyone said. They all were secretly planning and intervention. I didn't have anything to write. I didn't need to write anything. I just needed to write ten songs for a record we needed badly.
I don't think the guys knew it but they were all pushing me to write. I haven't written anything good since the last B-side of our record which is probably the emo-ist song ever to be recorded and put out. It was about giving up on your dreams.
This was my dream. Sleeping in a bunk and playing music every day, that used to be a dream. It's my life now. But I figured out I had a better dream that was easier to reach but just slipped away. That's what the song is about. The hundred kids for every fifty shows we have, they all tell me that song helped them move on from something- be it a death, a break-up, a friend, anything- but I just smile and try not to say I wish it did the same for me.
* * *
I step off of the bus and all of a sudden I see a kid stop dead in his tracks. He stares at me. Another day in my shoes is starting up. I look over at him and force a smile. "Hi?" I say.
"Ohshit,fuckfuckfuck," Comes out in a mumble from his mouth he walks up to me. "I... oh my god."
I smile a little, or try to. "Nice to meet you too," I say holding my hand out for him to shake.
"I'm so sorry dude," He said. "I just..." He looks at me like I'm something else. I'm just a guy. I can't even write a decent song to save my life. "You're my hero. I listen to your records every day. I fucking love you guys."
"Thank you," He shakes my hand too long but they usually do. "I have to get into the venue, but it was nice meeting you."
He stares at me. "No, thank you," He said.
"What's your name?" I asked looking at him. He reminded me a lot of myself in high school.
"Brad," He says.
"Well, Brad," I said. "I guess I'll see you later tonight."
"I wouldn't miss this show for anything." He said. Then he pauses. "Why aren't you guys headlining?"
I let out a sigh. "Owen's ego," I said.
He pauses and looks over at Owen's band's bus. "Those guys are complete shit, I don't know anyone whose going to see them." He says.
I raise my eyebrows up and down. "They're even worse when you get to know them," I said. I probably shouldn't have said that because that'd jump up on a message board but Owen doesn't know his ass from his elbow. He'd think it was some Red Letter Day-hater saying that to get us kicked off of the tour.
Brad laughs a little. "Thank you so much for talking to me," He says.
I smile a little. "You're welcome," I say. "See you around."
"Bye," He says.
I walk into the venue and feel bad. Kids like Brad always remind me of myself in high school. I try to block it out sometimes- high school and shit- but it never stays away too long. I walk into the venue and am late for soundcheck. I don't get yelled at because Paul already tested my mic and everything.
We make eye contact and we do a quick song to check out the sound and everything. But Owen and his band will do five or three songs. I just go sit in the dressing room and drink a little while answering a few interviews over e-mail.
This is my life now. And I regret every minute that led me to be this unhappy.
I wanted to get a clean shirt. I walked into the backlounge and Paul was sitting at his labtop with his headphones on smiling a little typing busily to Rain. I went into the "closet" and got a t-shirt out of my stack of shirts. I stripped and put it on turning back and catching Rain on Paul's computer screen smiling and writing back busily.
There was a leg poking out of Jonah's bunk and Aaron's bunk was flashing as he watched some action movie. I walked out into the front lounge and saw the coffee brewing. I poured myself a mug seeing Johnny pouring over his bent folded copy of Charles Bukowski' "Ham on Rye." We were parked and looking out at a brick wall and a sidewalk. The scenery of where-ever we were was astonishing.
Brick to the right and an empty gas station to the left. What a beautiful city. They've outdone themselves when it comes to the upkeep of it. But the kids were all the same. They all came out every date and show and sang along and asked for hugs and pictures and autographs. "I loved this record." and "You saved my life." I didn't feel like talking much to people anymore. I didn't feel like having the same conversation day in and day out.
Johnny looked up. "You depressed?" He asked.
I looked at him. "Nope," I said.
He looked at me and waited. I didn't say anything. "Write it out, dude," He said. That's all everyone said. They all were secretly planning and intervention. I didn't have anything to write. I didn't need to write anything. I just needed to write ten songs for a record we needed badly.
I don't think the guys knew it but they were all pushing me to write. I haven't written anything good since the last B-side of our record which is probably the emo-ist song ever to be recorded and put out. It was about giving up on your dreams.
This was my dream. Sleeping in a bunk and playing music every day, that used to be a dream. It's my life now. But I figured out I had a better dream that was easier to reach but just slipped away. That's what the song is about. The hundred kids for every fifty shows we have, they all tell me that song helped them move on from something- be it a death, a break-up, a friend, anything- but I just smile and try not to say I wish it did the same for me.
* * *
I step off of the bus and all of a sudden I see a kid stop dead in his tracks. He stares at me. Another day in my shoes is starting up. I look over at him and force a smile. "Hi?" I say.
"Ohshit,fuckfuckfuck," Comes out in a mumble from his mouth he walks up to me. "I... oh my god."
I smile a little, or try to. "Nice to meet you too," I say holding my hand out for him to shake.
"I'm so sorry dude," He said. "I just..." He looks at me like I'm something else. I'm just a guy. I can't even write a decent song to save my life. "You're my hero. I listen to your records every day. I fucking love you guys."
"Thank you," He shakes my hand too long but they usually do. "I have to get into the venue, but it was nice meeting you."
He stares at me. "No, thank you," He said.
"What's your name?" I asked looking at him. He reminded me a lot of myself in high school.
"Brad," He says.
"Well, Brad," I said. "I guess I'll see you later tonight."
"I wouldn't miss this show for anything." He said. Then he pauses. "Why aren't you guys headlining?"
I let out a sigh. "Owen's ego," I said.
He pauses and looks over at Owen's band's bus. "Those guys are complete shit, I don't know anyone whose going to see them." He says.
I raise my eyebrows up and down. "They're even worse when you get to know them," I said. I probably shouldn't have said that because that'd jump up on a message board but Owen doesn't know his ass from his elbow. He'd think it was some Red Letter Day-hater saying that to get us kicked off of the tour.
Brad laughs a little. "Thank you so much for talking to me," He says.
I smile a little. "You're welcome," I say. "See you around."
"Bye," He says.
I walk into the venue and feel bad. Kids like Brad always remind me of myself in high school. I try to block it out sometimes- high school and shit- but it never stays away too long. I walk into the venue and am late for soundcheck. I don't get yelled at because Paul already tested my mic and everything.
We make eye contact and we do a quick song to check out the sound and everything. But Owen and his band will do five or three songs. I just go sit in the dressing room and drink a little while answering a few interviews over e-mail.
This is my life now. And I regret every minute that led me to be this unhappy.
"semi constructive criticism" circa survive
hi
this weekend i:
- downloaded tons of music.
- am able to sing a couple songs without losing the ability to breath through my nose.
- painted two original paintings.
- established that lady gaga has a camera in my mum's truck to steal her dance moves.
this no computer is killing me. i might try and start it up and get my files off onto a jump drive so i can at least post something but i have to say i'm about ready to scream. i think i'm ready to start writing "perfect kisses" again. i don't really know how to handle myself. i love high school to death but it's so hard to find free time to just sit down and write now.
i think i'll have to revert to writing my stuff on fanfiction. this means spelling errors will be more likely and i might post more. who knows. i just hope my writing isn't sucking. but sadly i have come up with yet another story. *sigh* effmylife.
it's about a girl who goes to college in a city. her roommate is crazy and "free-spirited." the girl then meets this guy named chris who is a dealer to the college students. the rest is very "bell jar"-esque. her falling apart and stuff.
gosh my writing is getting so goddamn depressing.
i think i might start posting more one-shots, it's just i'm fresh out of ones i could do for "last place" so that means i may or may not go back into "perfect kisses" one-shots and or into the future one-shots. who knows.
jaseyray
this weekend i:
- downloaded tons of music.
- am able to sing a couple songs without losing the ability to breath through my nose.
- painted two original paintings.
- established that lady gaga has a camera in my mum's truck to steal her dance moves.
this no computer is killing me. i might try and start it up and get my files off onto a jump drive so i can at least post something but i have to say i'm about ready to scream. i think i'm ready to start writing "perfect kisses" again. i don't really know how to handle myself. i love high school to death but it's so hard to find free time to just sit down and write now.
i think i'll have to revert to writing my stuff on fanfiction. this means spelling errors will be more likely and i might post more. who knows. i just hope my writing isn't sucking. but sadly i have come up with yet another story. *sigh* effmylife.
it's about a girl who goes to college in a city. her roommate is crazy and "free-spirited." the girl then meets this guy named chris who is a dealer to the college students. the rest is very "bell jar"-esque. her falling apart and stuff.
gosh my writing is getting so goddamn depressing.
i think i might start posting more one-shots, it's just i'm fresh out of ones i could do for "last place" so that means i may or may not go back into "perfect kisses" one-shots and or into the future one-shots. who knows.
jaseyray
Friday, October 2, 2009
sean's.elisa's pov ---- show: jonah meets elisa
sean's pov
i stood there as jonah threw his head back taking another energy shot. i stared at him and he just licked his lips and threw the little container onto the ground. "you are going to have aheart attack," bennett said looking at him.
"forever young, bitch," jonah said throwing his arms up. bennett rolled his eyes and i crossed my arms. then all of a sudden bennett looked off. i turned to see what he was staring at.
"what?" jonah said.
i snickered. "that's the girl." i said.
"no shit?" jonah said. "where?"
"short, skinny, saves the day shirt..." i said.
"fuck you," bennett said to me because instantly the girl and her friends went into the crowd and then jonah went after them. "jonah!" he started going after him but jonah was already in the crowd. i laughed and bennett shot me a look.
this was going ot be fucking hilarious.
elisa's pov
... a kid bumped into me really hard on my shoulder. i looked at him and he was looking right at me. "sorry," he said smiling. he was a little taller than me. he had sand-colord hair and really green eyes. he kept looking at me. i remembered seeing him with bennett sometimes but i didn't know his name. "you're elisa loren, right?"
i froze. my face turned red and i swallowed. "um," i said. i felt cass beside me watching. my stomach jumped threatening to make me to lose the jelly donut from Carol's any second. "yeah?" i said.
he smiled and held his hand out. "i'm jonah," he said. my hands were shaking. how did he know my name? were people talking about me. i took his hand and shook it and he gripped it for an extra second. "you like saves the day?" he smiled bigger looking at me.
"um, yeah," i said remembering my shirt.
"good taste," he said. "i fucking love them."
i nodded. this was so uncomfortable. i felt sick. someone knew me? they never knew my name. nobody knew i ever existed. if he was friends with bennett i couldn't even start to think all the stuff he knew about me that were completely awful. i couldn't keep my personal life personal. i blabbed my life story to the first person to find me drunk on a porch. i wanted to just be invisible. who was this kid anyways?
he started saying something really fast. i only caught then end because it was such a jumbled mess. "...likes you is all," he said.
"excuse me?" i said softly, my eyebrows went up.
"what?" he said back to me leaning closer. this was so awkward. i didn't even know this kid.
"what did you say?" i sort of yelled in his ear. the room was getting louder.
"bennett williams," he said. "he's my friend and shit. he's told me about you and stuff. i'm not weird." i swallowed hard and nodded. i felt my cheeks burn. i looked down and this kid passed in between me and jonah.
"gotta' go," he said. "but want me to tell bennett you said hi?"
"he's here?" i asked looking at him.
he smiled. "okay i will," he said. and he rushed back from where he came. my back heated up like it always does. i just embarrassed myself yet again. i looked back over at cass who just watched the kid walk away. "what a creep," she said. "i hate when random guys come up to me just to show off."
i nodded looking forward. i felt my cheeks still burning. this was completely terrible. the world was out to get me.
i stood there as jonah threw his head back taking another energy shot. i stared at him and he just licked his lips and threw the little container onto the ground. "you are going to have aheart attack," bennett said looking at him.
"forever young, bitch," jonah said throwing his arms up. bennett rolled his eyes and i crossed my arms. then all of a sudden bennett looked off. i turned to see what he was staring at.
"what?" jonah said.
i snickered. "that's the girl." i said.
"no shit?" jonah said. "where?"
"short, skinny, saves the day shirt..." i said.
"fuck you," bennett said to me because instantly the girl and her friends went into the crowd and then jonah went after them. "jonah!" he started going after him but jonah was already in the crowd. i laughed and bennett shot me a look.
this was going ot be fucking hilarious.
elisa's pov
... a kid bumped into me really hard on my shoulder. i looked at him and he was looking right at me. "sorry," he said smiling. he was a little taller than me. he had sand-colord hair and really green eyes. he kept looking at me. i remembered seeing him with bennett sometimes but i didn't know his name. "you're elisa loren, right?"
i froze. my face turned red and i swallowed. "um," i said. i felt cass beside me watching. my stomach jumped threatening to make me to lose the jelly donut from Carol's any second. "yeah?" i said.
he smiled and held his hand out. "i'm jonah," he said. my hands were shaking. how did he know my name? were people talking about me. i took his hand and shook it and he gripped it for an extra second. "you like saves the day?" he smiled bigger looking at me.
"um, yeah," i said remembering my shirt.
"good taste," he said. "i fucking love them."
i nodded. this was so uncomfortable. i felt sick. someone knew me? they never knew my name. nobody knew i ever existed. if he was friends with bennett i couldn't even start to think all the stuff he knew about me that were completely awful. i couldn't keep my personal life personal. i blabbed my life story to the first person to find me drunk on a porch. i wanted to just be invisible. who was this kid anyways?
he started saying something really fast. i only caught then end because it was such a jumbled mess. "...likes you is all," he said.
"excuse me?" i said softly, my eyebrows went up.
"what?" he said back to me leaning closer. this was so awkward. i didn't even know this kid.
"what did you say?" i sort of yelled in his ear. the room was getting louder.
"bennett williams," he said. "he's my friend and shit. he's told me about you and stuff. i'm not weird." i swallowed hard and nodded. i felt my cheeks burn. i looked down and this kid passed in between me and jonah.
"gotta' go," he said. "but want me to tell bennett you said hi?"
"he's here?" i asked looking at him.
he smiled. "okay i will," he said. and he rushed back from where he came. my back heated up like it always does. i just embarrassed myself yet again. i looked back over at cass who just watched the kid walk away. "what a creep," she said. "i hate when random guys come up to me just to show off."
i nodded looking forward. i felt my cheeks still burning. this was completely terrible. the world was out to get me.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
"visions of kody" visions of kody
hi
so i've been lazy. i'm rereading "catcher in the rye" and then doing nothing. i found a tv show i actually like to watch... so that's always good. but i have to say i have no writing right now except for my kody and anthony story.
this losing a computer is really wigging me out. but i usually download albums the entire time i'm on this computer as i am now. getting into some conor oberst biznat and m. ward albums too. but ohmylanta i'm owning high school. it's s0 easy. you have no idea. middle school was harder.
i kind of have no friends now because i am drifting away from my middle school friends and am kind of aloof but you know... i'm kind of happy. kind of sad. i'm just in the middle. i'm observing people a lot more but i usually am rushing to all of my classes to avoid people i don't want to talk to. i've seen jonah like 7 times in all different boys and then a becky and a rachel powers but i see paul spinella a lot in like... music videos.
but i'm doing all these clubs and want to befriend all these people. i'm considering being an english teacher now. so i can write and still be able to live. so thumbs up everyone. i'm aiming for all a's which is pretty easy looking now after a month. so i can get into a good college for art and writing and music.
i want to be john green someday. he's a fugging beast.
jaseyray
so i've been lazy. i'm rereading "catcher in the rye" and then doing nothing. i found a tv show i actually like to watch... so that's always good. but i have to say i have no writing right now except for my kody and anthony story.
this losing a computer is really wigging me out. but i usually download albums the entire time i'm on this computer as i am now. getting into some conor oberst biznat and m. ward albums too. but ohmylanta i'm owning high school. it's s0 easy. you have no idea. middle school was harder.
i kind of have no friends now because i am drifting away from my middle school friends and am kind of aloof but you know... i'm kind of happy. kind of sad. i'm just in the middle. i'm observing people a lot more but i usually am rushing to all of my classes to avoid people i don't want to talk to. i've seen jonah like 7 times in all different boys and then a becky and a rachel powers but i see paul spinella a lot in like... music videos.
but i'm doing all these clubs and want to befriend all these people. i'm considering being an english teacher now. so i can write and still be able to live. so thumbs up everyone. i'm aiming for all a's which is pretty easy looking now after a month. so i can get into a good college for art and writing and music.
i want to be john green someday. he's a fugging beast.
jaseyray
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