"Alabama" Paper Rival

Hi

I'm listening to a radio thing. I typed in "Anthony Green" and it gave me tis amazing medley of indie-emo-rock amazingness I have been enjoyign for hours as I fill out surveys and decide on what picture to get of Bill Beckett- some girl on the boards was kind enough to offer to make prints for free, I picked a lovely picture of my number one Hero.

But my dad is pretty pushy about e getting a shirt done. I'll psot picks whe its enfin finished. But I am getting pretty agrivated. I get very aggrivated while drawing or painting and I get scared I'm hurting he peopel who support me. But I let it out with my art. Something ugly and resisting any power I have to make it satisfactory. And sometimes art is my shuttle away from reality. Where I can bock out my demons and the world's demons and be free. Be myself and alive for one moment or so.

Some people think going to the movies or the bars or parties all the time is living and beign a part of the world. I'm never asked anywhere so I don't fight it. When I want to get out I will. When I want to expirience the world I will. I'm having a moment a breathe from life to recouperate and trying to fgure out what I want in this world.

Right now I want to be surrounded by art. To be drowning in it and to be dedicated to the artists I owe everything to. Sure, I need to get out more, but why go out if I just waste money? Why go out to go out when I'd rather be somewhere else. Passivty vs. Passion. My passion is in art. In music. In painting. In writing. In books.

I'm really independant. I don't like people relying on me day and night to be with them which is pretty much my personaliy saying "screw you" when I start dating and opening myself up to people and bringing them close to me. I don't believe in having a best friend that isn't blood related right now. I've lost more best friends than I gain them.

What makes glaciers is when it snows more than it melts and then when it's heavy enough it starts to drift, and is pulled down by gravity until they start going back uphill. That's how I work. When there's more pain and loss in one person they start to slip. They need to melt and move on and retreat back up the moutianside.

I'm sorry if this is a diary entry. But I have to say my writing hopefully expresses these ideas or will someday. They definatly will with Rainie. She and I are alike in this way.

So goodnight. I'll go enjoy my last glass of my favorite juice and read and get inspired.
Jasey Ray