"Goodbye Friendship, Hello Heartache" Cinematic Sunrise

Hi

Today was one of the days when I don't want to talk to anyone. Those days when I wake up and want to sew my lips shut and keep them tightly sealed. I don't want to speak or deal with anyone. I just want to paint. To write. To sing my soul out.

And so today I sat down and started painting. It remains unfinished, my painting, but it's probably the biggest need I've had in a while. I had five unpainted canvases in my room. I'm terrified to use them. I feel like I'll regret it if I do, and I feel like I'm going to screw them up. And tonight I don't.

I'm having the time of my life. My AP Podcasts blasting 3 out of my seven heros. Bryce Avery, Anthony Green, Craig Owens. My 7 heros are the musicians that have talked me off of cliffs. They have taken my hand and tugged my gently off of any edge. Any line I was wavering and close to falling from. They are lost in my music library or idolized in my room everywhere. They are in my paintings and my sketchbooks. They are on ticket stubs and free bracelets that set in stone my meetings with them. They were the greatest moments of my life and my greatest dissapointments. They are my memories. They are the songs I can always go back to and sing so loudly I'm scared I'll start crying remember what I did because of who I was before they saved me. They are everything. They shaped my as a musi lover and a person beside two other people who remain names in my journals and snapshots of my personality.

I'm a person defined by "identification" which when it comes to personality-wise I take bits and pieces form people and mold them together into the person I am. I am a conbination of a million different people. Anything that touches me I become. I am the man aslep on the bench in the park I remember seeing on the ride to my firstand so far onyl root canal with his dog tied up next to him. I am the girl on the street with sunglasses and a flannel plaid dress I saw on my way to a free show on April 3rd, 2008. I am New Found Glory Boy.

And only once have I never known who I am. One point where I lost everything. It was when I made the first real connection with a human being. He has a name. A role in my life. He was there the greatest most intimidating moment of my life. He was there the bus rides when I was a manufactured child. He caused my to lose myself. And to look for what was there to hold onto. He was the title of a million poems. He was called Scribble Boy. His named scratched out in all of my journals and all of my memories. I never know him the same way. He broke me down.

And I found these 7 heros. I found them in records. In song. In catalogues. In shows. In moments. They have a frame of two people who I met and had real human connections with. I was once told I couldn't say I loved them. I wasn't allowed to say I loved New Found Glory Boy or Scribble Boy. But I do. I love them for what they gave me. The person they made me.

I love them so much. And I love my 7 heros. And hope my art will turn into something at that scale. Art is everything. Don't let someone tell you it's the Mona Lisa or a shitty stick figure or Beethoven or music. Or anything. Art is a connection between you and anything and anyone and everything. It is a movement inside of you. It is something that makes you want to never forget. It's the feeling of being infinite.

Love always,
Jasey Ray