"Tell Them That She's Not Scared" Envy on the Coast

Hi

I've been reading and writing. I'm reading this book about luekemia (spelling?) so I have a good idea. And stuff. So I can start writing. And I'll be writing and writing like crazy. I'll try and make ever day in the week "Posting Day" and post all I have for updates on that day.

But I'll think about that. I might have it be like Sunday and Wednesday. And when I get my webcam I might do video blogs and what not but I have six dollars and have to spend ten bucks on a concert ticket. So I've been writing in scattered POVs. I might as well write "The Last Place You Look" in Bennett's POV and post it. But it's so tiring.

So I might jsut revitalize (proper word/spelling?) an old story of mine and post it. It's basically the piece I take all these parts from. I've mentioned it before but I'll think about it. Have something for you soon.

I talk a lot about my writing and never say anything about where I am. Right now I'm going back and rewriting the next chapter of "Perfect Kisses" and I'm basically right in the description of the first English class for Elisa in "Last Place" but I've abandoned my other Penname and somehow I have a feeling people forgot about it. So I'll start yet another Penname and write for that one. Post a story on it and the "Last Place" rewrite. Or more so, post the "new" story while writing "Last Place."

As you can see I hav a busy few months. And to keep everyone busy is really hard. And what's sad is the almost awful catagory selection on FanFiction. All the types of books I write now are so different from the ones on there. So that's good I guess.

But I'll post little POV switches here and there and some more underground stuff. Notes and what not. I think I'll try my best and get more into everything. Reading more. Writing more. And focusing more. So I don't have no updates tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Oof. I'm all excuses here.

So I'm going to load my iPod with indie music for me to be m indie self with.
Jasey ray

"Last Place You Look" The Get Up Kids

Hi

I've done this one a lot in Bennett's POV even though I just introduced him in my rewrite. BUT! Here goes nothin' hahah. Song reference. "Check... check... check 1, 2... alright... Here Goes Nothing" - Christopher Drew.

Setting: Friday in Early November
Bennett's POV

I hooked up my guitar. And started playing. Not paying attention to anything. Falling into the songs I let out of me. It didn't matter if the room was full of could-have-been's and people I lost touch with. All that went away. Friends or enemies, I forgot the difference. It was just me. And my guitar. And it made everything go away. The pain. The loneliness. Everything. Wiped clean off of me. I sang to girls I lost. The girl's who got away. The friends who gave up. But it was never so good to feel nosalgic.

My eyes didn't focus at all around me. I heard soft voices but played over them. Not knowing how loud I could get my voice in that tiny room. Or how loud I could play. I just let go. Of everything. And everyone. And held all I needed close to me. Until finally it boiled down to one song. And that was it.

And I played it best I could. My voice rising through the crowd. My mind off of everything. Until slowly it crept back as I finally let the silence take over, and I calmed down. People clapping. And saying I did a good job. I looked over and saw Rainie and Paul talking softly to each other.

How badly I wanted that. But I'd never tell anyone. That was my gret secret in all of this. Keeping the fact that I wanted that so badly. I wanted everything Paul had but knew I wasn't good enough.

A girl came up to me. I hooked up with her over the summer. I forgot her name, which was embarrassing. And she smiled at me. "Hey, Bennett, you were really good."

I smiled a little. "Thanks," I said.

She tucked hair behind her ear. "So are you busy tonight?" She asked. I suddenly looked over her shoulder seeign her. She was walkin in the other direction.

I swallowed looking at the girl. "Sorry, I'm actually hanging out with my friend." I said.

"Oh, cool," She said. Disapointed. "I'll see you later maybe, I'll be hanging around so if you get bored..."

"Yeah, sure." I said. And stepped around her. "Elisa!" I said. She was jsut going upstairs. And she turned. I realized she was alone. She turned and instantly I knew. There are times I guess when we have to forget ourselves and put other people in front of us.

She looked so small. So scared of the world. So vulnerable. I just knew she knew about Nathan. She turned and came over to me. She tugged her hair, something I noiced she does a lot. "I just found out this morning." She said softly.

And suddenly I jsut felt myself stepping closer. My arms moving around her. She was so small. And she didn't pull away. She moved in. I held her. Taking in the smell of her skin. Making my heart pound. Holding her wasthe greatest feeling in the world. It was like holing all I ever wanted and wished for, right there close to me. And her arms wrapped softly around me. Breathing. I wasn't Bennett Williams. I wasn't anyone. I was just her friend. Someone to hold onto.

I was her Catcher in the Rye. And I let go of her. Knowing if I held on I wouldn't be able to let go. And I looked at her. "Do you want to talk about it?" She looekd a little overwhelme by this. And unsure of what to say. "Do you want me to get you a drink?"

And she breathed. "Yes,"

* * *

We were sitting and talking. My stomach stopped shaking and my heart pounded slower. I jsut looekd at her. Listening. And telling her all I knew. She nodded. Not surprised I knew. I think somehow it all mde sense But I tried so hard to protect her from that.

But I changed the subject somehow. The world going o around s. We jsut sat on that couch the two of us. Alone in the world. And it was perfect. She was beautiful. When she smiled. And when she laughed. Somehow she didn't seem ot be the same person I started this cconversation with. She was new. She was jsut herself. And that's all I could have asked from her.

I smiled finally looking at her. Leaning nto my arm and turning my body toward her. I jsut looked at her. "Elisa," And she looked up. Draining me of all confidence I had. And suddenly she seemed to too.

"I should go," She said. She took out her phone checking the time. I felt all of this slipping away. "It's late."

I paused. "I'll walk you home." I said quickly.

And she looked at me a little surprised. Hesistating. I don't think she could tell my heart was racing. I was scrambling for any excuse to be with her longer. "I'm leaving too, we live right near each other."

She finally nodded. "Okay," And we walked out together. Nobody noticing. We slipped away. Out into the night. The cool air settling in slightly. Pressing agaisnt my skin. But my heart was going so fast. And I felt just warm. I breathed. Seeing my breathe in front of me. Her footsteps silent beside me. I swallowed and listened ot them. Knowing they were there. That she was still with me. I jsut didn't know how to make sure.

"I'm breaking up with Nathan." She said suddenly. Her voice soft. Warm and gentle. Slipping inside of me. Thin and sweet. I looked at her in the dark. And suddenly it came out in the only way it could. The only way I could let it.

"Elisa," Her name was the most beuatiful sound ever. "I know I've said this before," I breathed, my voice sounded so strane in the open. Moving from my lips to her ears. I wondered if hering it was almsot te same- even so slightly- as it was hearing hers in this silence of November. "But you're such a beautiful person. And someone like Nathan, even if he changed, couldn't see that. Next to Nathan you just fade away. Being with the right person shouldn't do that to you. You belong with someone who sees how beautiful of a person you are and would never do this to you. Nobody in their right mind would cheat on you if they really cared about you and got to know you. You're one of the most incredible people I've ever met. I feel like I know you so much even if we ony met a little while ago."

And she was silent. The silence eating me up. Swallowing me into the dark of night. She was a silhouette beside me. Silent. That short speech hanging in the air with all I had. Al the power I could muster up wth a few words were out there. Hanging in the cool November breeze. She heard them I knew. It was how she took them in that made me even more nervous.

I jsut wanted her to know I was there. That I always would be.

But thesidewalk ended, bringing us down the worn roard across the street. A streetlight misplaced shining down on the sidewalk. We stopped. Both at once. Both conciously. And she looked up at me. Her eyes bright as the skn around them were washed out. Her face pale.And somehow it hid any flaw. She was perfect in the outside world- not only to me. And I just looked at her. She tugged her hair. "So I guess this is goodbye." She said softly.

Her voice was so perfect. And I looked back at her."Goodnight," I said. But she didn't move. She just looked back at me. Her eys still drops of the sky. Smooth and gentle. Reflected off of the world. She was beautiful. And I tried my best not to let my heart win. I fought so hard, but I gave in. The pounding in my chest made me feel sure. And I stepped closer to her.

Knowing there was no going back. It's the babysteps we take and never take back. And I leaned down, finding her lips. I kissed her. My lips pressing agaisnt hers. And instantly. I knew. I ruined everything. We weren't friends anymore. I lost her before I even had her. She would push me away. Say she wasn't ready for this kind of thing. Ready to open her heart up to someone.

Then suddenly her hands moved to my hair. And I realized she was kissing me back. Her lips partingslightly against mine. I closed my eyes tighter. Kissing her. Feeling my heart speeding. So fast it barely seemed ot bealive in my chest. But it never was so real and full of life before now. And so under a streetlight I kissed her. The light spilling down in all the dakrness and silence of the world.

My life was so awake in the dead of night. My fingers traced her skin. The smoothness and whiteness beneath them made me forget everything. And all I could think about was all of this feeling inside of me. But our lips moved apart. My forehead lean against hers. And I tried catching my breathe. Not knowing it was long gone.

I knew she'd pull away now at least. That one moment I'd never forget. Her lips against mine. And her hands in my hair. And having her so close. I would always have this with me. This one fraction of the universe. Tiny and full of more meaning than the universe together. I kissed the corner of her mouth. Ready to pull away- leaving the only slightest invisible mark on her skin.

But her mouth met mine again. And she kissed me again. My arms moving around her. I held her close. And suddenly I had all I ever wanted. She was mine. She was mine. For tonight Elisa Loren was mine.

* * *

In the dark I kissed her. The light of the streetlight gone. Behind us. Always there for me to relive it. But here I was holding her close. So scared of what was happening. But I couldn't let her go. My lips moving agaisnt hers like poetry, my mind racing and my heart speeding. We moving in a gentle dance. So slowly it was as if we moved at the speed of theworld and time going by beneath our feet. But she sank down to my bed. I came down with her. My lips not moving away from hers.

And we jsut kissed. Her lips setting my mind on fire. She was so beautiful. I didn't care give this long moment, drawn out an extended for anything. And suddenly her hand moved down to my chest. Her palm flat feeling it slightly as first, but taking the role as a metal detector. Feeling the pounding and my heart racing. She pulled away. Lookign at me. Her eyes cuttign throguh the darkeness into mine. Her hand pressed agaisnt my chest feeling my heart racing through the fabric in between her flesh and mine. She took one of my hands. Lacing her fingers through mine and pressing it over the racing and pounding of her own heart.

They beat in rhythem. Perfect harmony infected and infested in both of us. I looked at her. Throguh the dark, feeling the corners of my mouth tipping upwards. I kissed her again. My lips finding hers. Letting all of the speed and feeling in my heart spill hopefully into her. To show her all I've hidden for what has felt like forever.

* * *

It was late. I tried not to sleep. Feeling her eyelashes, long and like her hair soft and gentle brushing my skin as she blinked. Her ear pressed to my heart. She's been fightign this fr a while ut finally it came out. "I should go," She whispered. The silence had won until now.But here she was overpowering it finally.

"No," I said. I kissed the top of her head. "Stay, for me."

She sat up. Herlegs slipping to either sides of mine and she found a shirt. Covering herself she sat up. But I did too. Losing her for tonight was something I'd never give into. She was mine. Nobody else's. I wanted her to stay mine.

I ksised her. My lips meetin hers and making her stop. She kissed me back. Her fingers moving into my hair with one hand. And she kissed me back. Knocking me back a hundred feet. "I have to go," She said again. "You're parent's are going to hear me."

I shook my head. "My mom works till ten. My dad lives four towns over." She paused. Knowing this. I was alone tonight. Of all nights if she left. And she hesitated. Pressing her lips to mine once before pulling away again and getting off of me. And I watched her. Her shape moving. She got her bra sitting on the edge of my bed.

She was so light she barely made the mattress shift. I sat behind her. So she sat in between my legs. And took over. Her hands had been reaching back t do the clasp. I did it for her, doing what I had undone. And held her to me. My hands around her waist. I nuzzled her neck and let the warmth of her skin travel against mine. The two wamrths of our skin mixed together. Moving into my veins as well as- I assumed, her own. And we sat there for a few moments.

"I really do have to go home." She whispered. And she moved my hands away from my waist. And I sat back watching her pull her shirt on over her head. This was it. We weren't anything. AnythingI hadjust felt was just me. She just used me.

I couldn't see her doing that. She was Elisa. Beautiful and soft. Warm and gentle. She was everything I ever needed. But I watched her leaving me behind. She looked at me. "So," Her voice reached my ears. Stinging me. Poisoning me. "I guess this is goodbye."

I didn't say anything. I was done with this. I was different. I changed for her, and she used me. She was no different from all those girls. From Rainie. They just let ethink I'm something more than hook up and something to do on a boring night. I was her sweet revenge. And I was done.

"I'm never doing this again with you."

She turned. I heard her footsteps stop. I pulled my shity on over my head. And looked at the floor standing up. And it came out. A sick hurt voice. I listened to it, not even sure if it were mine or not. I wanted what Paul had. He had everything. And he lost it all twice. And now he had it for as long as fate had it laid out for him. Me. I had one night. I had one night for my heart to combust and stay in her hands. I had a few hours to have her heart in place of mine. Now I was alone again. I might as well have been talking to myself.

I lsot everything by gaining all I had ever wanted. All I ever needed was her to stop and see me there. See me. Not jsut accept me as a nicknack in her life. I wanted to be more than just the kind in her English class. The emo kid with the guitar and the songs. The kid who liked Sunday Drive. I wanted to be Bennett. I wanted her to know how much this meant. And suddenly my voice snapped. Crackling and sizzling up. Vulnerable and pathetic. "I need this to be more than one night."

And it was out in the open. There for her to take into her hands and hold onto or to push away. She could use that phrase and lie to me. Or be truthful. And suddenly I felt how close she was. She wov her fingers into mine stepping closer. In height it was the opposite. I was tall. She was short. And suddenly I felt the opposite. I was there for her to look at and cradle. I was hers to caress with her voice.

"This means everything."

And she was mine. For tonight.

Best stuff I ever wrote. I think at least. I stop and pick up my guitar sometimes and just pluck away. I'm starting to write songs and stuff. Nothing major. But it helps me. Tell me what you think. And it doesn't matter how long it is. I want to know everythig you felt. Quotes anything I can get. All I am writing here is preparation for the myth and the legend the big ol' "Last Place"rewrite.

So comment. I like reading stuff. I really do.

XD
Jasey Ray

"About A Girl" The Academy Is...

Hi

Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind. No, actually I have a hand cramp so I'm just chilling. Can't really do anything but, so..

Setting: Bennett post-Rainie pre-Elisa

Bennett's POV

I was sitting at lunch. I saw her. Across the cafeteria. The way the world laid it out for me, I could see her perfectly. The people in between us framing her for me. But I tried not to stare. I kept picturing her. Illuminated by yellow porch light. And seeing her clearer than anything thanks to Paul Spinella.

Jonah came over. Turning to look where I had been. "What?" He did a full circle. Then he paused. "Oh you noticed?" He smiled gorkily. "I've been working out." He posed for me. But I jsut rolled my eyes loking down at the pieces of what looked liek grinded food that was my lunch.

Sean came over. "Hey," He sat down next to me.

"Bennett's spacing out." Jonah swung a leg over the bench so he sat sideways. Taking out an apple and biting into it, taking half of it into his mouth. He pointed in the direction I had been looking and wagged his fingers around. Showing Sean where my attention had been drawn. I slouched over. My eye was aching.

It took Sean three seconds. "Oo-oh." He said in a irly singsong voice. "Bennett's got a crush."

I looked at him. "No," I said defensivly. I didn't like Elisa. I didn't like anyone. I was done with all of that shit. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was already stupid when it came to that. And now I was on the outsde.

"Who!" Jonah said loudly lookign at me. "Someone who isn't eternally bound to a certain someone," He pointed at my eye. "With a certain beasty punch who punched a certain someone else."

I rolled my eyes. "Nobody." I said. I looked down.

Sean leaned forward. "Elisa Loren." He said.

Her name sent shivers through me. It was pretty. I always knew it was. It sounded like a song. All the syllables rang together perfectly and all of the sonds were in pitch. It was beautiful. But I tried not to tighten my fist in an attempt to stop my heart from highering the speed of my blood by that much.

Jonah stared blankly. Not syainganything. For once. Frozen looking confused.

Sean stuck a spork into a mound of mashed potatos. If they were. "You know that prick Nathan Pratt?" He asked.

"I think so..." Jonah said slowly. "The one who slept with Rachel Powers last week and was bragging about it to everyone."

And I felt my skin shift. Rachel Powers. That girl in our group. The day I met Elisa. I swallowed and scooped up a sumpy sloppy green bean. It was nasty. I stabbed them sharpl with the stubby points of my spork. "Yeah, that's him." Sean said. "He has a girlfriend. That's Elisa."



Jonah looekd at me. "Dude," He said. "You need to stop going after girls who are taken, you're biting my thunder." He poked his food too.

I looked up. "I don't like her." I said. This time more calmly.

"Fine, dude." Sean said. "Calm down."

That lunch I didn't eat. I didn't feel like it. I felt hung over and shaky. Catching flashes of her and losing her from my view. I could always find her, her friend- Cassandra or something, had this bright colored hair. I could always pinpoint her. And see bits and pieces of her. I just didn't know when. But when I did I felt my heart go numb on the outside as at sped on. Like it was being chased down with a gun.

We got up and left. Taking us right past her table. Sean did this on purpose I knew. But I smiled a little. She looked up and saw me. She looked terrified. Ready to force her eyes down. The same girl I had frist met. So different from the last one I had. "Hi Elisa," I said. And she became that girl on the porch. Her eyes shifting and becoming that same person. I didn't care that she didn't say anything back. Just knowing that somewhere nothing was different, somehow we were more the same.



Jonah looped his arm into mine. "You're in love," He said singing to me. "You've found your Rainie Joseph, Mr. Spinella, now your task is to beat the crap out of the Bennett Williams in this."

I rolled my eyes. "Will you give up on this already." I said irratated. "I don't like her."

Jonah looked at me steadily. And suddenly I cracked a little. To make them happy. "Maybe a little." That phrasewas a weight off of my shoulders.

Jonah patted my arm. "Babysteps," He said. "Babysteps."

* * *

I was at a party. It was small and I was drinking. Not because I was alone. It was because I was alone. And I knew Elisa was too, becuase Nathan was with her an hour ago and now he was in the laundry room with some drunk blonde girl. And they've been in there twenty minutes. But also across the room I had to watch them.

They were jsut talking thetwo of them. Her on a pool table. And him just standing there in front of her. His hands on either side of her. And her arms a loop around his neck. They talked quietly. And smiled and were in love.

Me, I met a girl a month and a half ago, she slightly terrified of me period. And now after everything. Being punched a few weeks ago, I was still alone. And falling hopelessly in love with a girl who was in love with the guy getting a blow job in the laundry room within ten feet of me.



I sipped finsihing off another drink. Looking across the room, Rainie was alone. Her feet carrying her to me. She smiled a little. I've heard a little from her. A sorry. And a hello. She's with Paul. It's meant to be. So why am I not happy? But I smiled a little too, forcing it.

"Hi," She said.

"Hey," I said.

She swallowed. "Are you okay Bennett?" She asked. Softly. Caring. The girl she always had been with Paul. With me she cried and smashed herself for him.

I paused. Shrugging. "Better," I said.

"How's your eye?" She asked looking at it. It was fading.

"Better too," I said.

"He feels really bad about it," She said softly. "I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "My fault."

And she paused, forcing a smile. "Jonah said you'e got a crush."

Figures. He was drunk earlier and all over the place. I sighed. "A little bit." I said. "Not really." And I scratched my neck. "How are things-"

She smiled. "Don't change the subject." She said. "Who is it?"

I swallowed. Looking around. "You can tell me," She said. "I'll probably end up telling Paul but he won't say anything to you or anyone." I must have been drunk. I must have had too much to drink. Too much. I didn't feel it. But I was.



"Elisa," I said. "Elisa Loren."

She smiled. "What does she look like?" She asked. I looked at her hesitating. "Come on tell me!" She said loudly.



I sighed looking across the room. "She's pretty," I said. Now I could feel whatever buzz I had. And suddenly she came downstairs. I stared. Rainie looking at her. "That's her?" She asked smiling.

"Yeah," I said looking away from her.

"Go for it," Rainie said. "She looks like your type."

"No," I said.

"Why? You obviously like her a lot. I can tell." I looked at Rainie she had her arms crossed and was smiling a little.

I scratched my neck. "She doesn't like me back at all." I knew that. She loved Nathan. And suddenly I saw Paul. Walking downstairs and seeing Rainie waving.

It took five minutes. Rainie was back with Paul. And I walked over to Elisa. "Hi," I said. She looked a little scared- calming down a little. "What's up?"

My goal wasn't to talk to her. It was to get her away as soon as I could. Nathan was still in that fucking laundry room. "Um, nothing," She said tugging at her hair. "I was jsut looking for Nathan."

"I saw him go upstairs a few minutes ago," I said pointing at them. "He looked like he wa looking for someone, but I'll tell you if he comes back down."

She msield a little. "Thanks," She said. "See you later."

I don't know why I lied to her. Got her away from here. I could have easily kept her here tlaking ot her. Nathan would emerge. With some girl. And I'd be there. But I didn't want her to get hurt. She wasn't ready to know. I didn't want her to. She would eventually. I knew that. But not now. She liked him too much.

Heard Academy Is... at the gym XD. Was singing and rocking out to it.
Jasey Ray

"Coney Island" Good Old War

Hi

So I posted three updates in a twelve hour period. And I could go on and on. Jeeez. How to you spell jeez? Geeze? Jeeze? I have no idea. I just bought loads of stuff on iTunes which feels weird. I usually hack all my stuff or buy real CDs.

But anyways! I have a few things planned for "Perfect Kisses" a little more here and there of things I forgot and adding mroe to it becuase there's so much I can add after writing "Last Place." I don't see why writers always start at the beginning with a new idea. I say now start at the end so you know what's going to happen.

But I'm going to have a slice of my favorite pizza and some ginger ale. My mother refused to buy me more. So I'm going to just freak out and enjoy my last glass.

Peace Love and Gap.
Jasey Ray

"Woah (Me Vs Everyone)" Forever the Sickest Kids

Hi

So I went to Subway with my sister and started about my stories and I broke out all my metaphoric crap and my stories with a plot overview and everything and how combined "Last Place" and "Perfect Kisses" are combined. Which I never really realized.

Because:

Rainie and Paul breka up at first because he thinks she's cheating on him with other guys. GUYS being plural and meaning Bennett and her ex-boyfriend. And the when they break up again she goes with Bennett and he makes them get back together by getting punched and he ends up on the back porch where I pinpointed the moment he started liking Elisa. And then the night she goes to Bennett when she finds out Nathan cheats on her Rainie makes her think that maybe Bennett likes her. And she tlaks to Bennett and they fall in lvoe forever and ever. And then all of this stuff. And talking about it and explaining just helped everything. And it excites me. To keep writing and adpating it to fit my new ideas.

I never realized how metaphoric I am with all of my stuff. But I am in a sense just an insane writer chick. My parents don't believe me when I say I'm writing. They just say "Okay... whatever you say liar." And I'm like really I am. But I do hit the boards more frequently and get hooked on it more and make comments and see if anyone replies to it. But I'm moving onto my computer downstairs so that doesn't happen.

But I want my sister to read my stories so bad. She'd love them. I know it. But I just figure out a lot tlaking to her. I hate her half the time but I have too high standards for people. There only like two people I'm friends with I don't have anything about them I hate completely and need to learn how to tolerate. But I found my group. I'm happy. I went from having only my sister to a solid group of friends. And I'm really happy about that.

I'm going downstairs to write now. Peace.

Listening to Empires, Armor for Sleep, Kevin Devine and Remember Maine which means....
I'm

Interrupted by getting my AP magazine.... Peace

Jasey Ray

"Hayley" Empires

Hi

I just got two Sarah Dessen books for 99 cents each and a scarf! And I'm finally getting to be accepted on the boards :)

But listen to "Hayley" by Empires
So good.

Jasey Ray

"Folkin' Around" Panic at the Disco

Hi

So there's been a lot going on in my life. I'm uber-busy and stuff. My love got a haircut and he looks like he did in high school. I've rewritten a chapter in "Perfect Kisses" three times now and am only halfway or 1/3 of the way done. Ooof.

But I'm going to go downstairs. Pour myself some ginger ale. And start working on "Last Place" of which I decided I'm going to make it until she talks to Bennett first in English class and then start posting it. Which I am uber-excited about.

I fell in love with a man named Kevin Devine and BAM! I start writing and Bennett Williams just comes out. Although his voice sounds nothing like the Bennett Williams voice I have in my head but the words and everythign are so Bennett it's ridiculous.

Also William Beckett may/may not break off and do his own solo work. I don't know how I feel because I am fucking in love with Mike Carden and pretty much the rest of the band but when it comes to my favorite members it goes:
Mike
William
Butcher
Chizzy
Sisky
and as much as I love all of them dearly I think that it would be a good thing for William. But he better not pull some shitty move and abandon the band and what not. I would shoot that guy in the face. (Sorry Billvy :[ ) But he better pull an Anthony Green and just put out an album tour for it and go right back to where he belongs with Circa Survive.

Check out Anthony Green. I had an Anthony Green listening party last night. Drew and awful picture of Butcher from the Academy Is... and sang along blasting it while my mother was in the other room listening and me not knowing it. She informed me to turn it down when he sang "Make sure all those mother-fucking boys know" but I didn't listen very much. I never do.

And while dueling her on Warped Tour and what not I am pretty sure I'll be able to go after remindign her I go for musical intentions only. Above the Influence. I'll be the noob in the crowd there for the music while my friends crowd surf and make vulgar comments at the attractive members of the bands. Or they'll just drag me to metal-head acts.

I hope Brokencyde isn't going.
JaseyRay

"Selfish" This Providence

Hi

I'm supposed to read right now. A lot in a short amount of time. But I've got some news. I had ahalf a chapter written for "Perfect Kisses" BUT it was an Epic Fail and I tried to slip in some things I shouldn't have and so I'm restarting it, and hoping it'll go well. Cross your fingers.

And I'm writing "Last Place You Look" on my downstairs computer. No Internet.

No Internet = No Music downloading, Academy Is... message-boarding, no Facebooking, no MySpacing, no IMing, no William Becketting, and no Mike Cardening.

So I have five pages written. Trashing all I had on this computer. And then moving on. Some of my friends want to read my stuff. And I'm hesitant because it's a little weird to pop up at lunch hand say "Go to this website and check out what I do in my spare time."

My sister doesn't even read it. But this girl is reading "Last Place" and so far she likes it I think. Doesn't hate Dave yet. She will hopefully.

But I have been playing music less obsessivly. I don't know what I've been doing with my time actually. I just do nothing. Oof.

Oofffffff.
JaseyRay

Ps. I have never heard the song "Selfish" by This Providence in a recording

"Body Like Mind" Ace Enders

Hi

So I write in school as you know. And I wrote this really disturbing thing and was reading it in silent reading oof. It's the new story. I just got it out of my system one night.

I opened my eyes.

The bright lights blinded me, and my first thought: Was I in heaven? I didn't think Heaven felt this thin. I felt needles in my arm, prickly as if my arm were asleep. My head hurt like hell too. And suddenly I heard choking but I wasn't moving. Was this Hell? Was I hearing my death? My gasping? My sad pathetic death?

I didn't know how I could have died. But suddenly my eyes focused. My pupils expanding and moving away from the light. My head a piece of brick meeting another and pounding against it. I closed my eyes. Hoping all of this would go away. The numbness. I was numb all over. My body was just numb. All I felt was the light, cold on my skin and the numbness and the needles.

When my eyes forced themselves open again I realized I was still here. Still alive. The lights were above me. White and cold. The needles in my arms were real. I felt like a machine. I was a robot. And the choking. The gasping. It was my mother. Wailing and sobbing into my hand. My hand remained numb and prickly catching her tears. The salt water. Like ocean water, made me wince.

* * *

Hearing it was a new thing. Hearing what happened. I didn't know what happened. So I had to hear it from someone else. And I heard it from a lot of people. But the first time really stuck. I took Xanex. A lot of it. And then I slit my wrists.

But I listened to Sherman talking. Beside me was the kid who saved me. He was older. He had a little bit of a beard growing and he had intense green eyes. He looked twenty or so. A little over maybe. I swallowed catching glances of him. They told me he called the ambulance and guessed drugs and then my wrists. Saying it was suicide. Which it was confirmed by everyone was true. I never did myself. But they guessed well without me saying anything.

I haven't spoken in two weeks. I was meetign with Sherman in silence. And they brought the kid in for me to apologize and tell him everything they knew. I didn't even know his name. I wasn't listening. He didn't know mine either. But he listened. I never heard his voice either.

Sherman finished. And then the kid stopped. "You forgot some stuff." He said. His voice was weird. It was higher than I would think. It had this element to it like I could swallow it. Like he was singing and it made me want to sing too. But it was far from singing. It was weird. Something about it.

"What?" Sherman asked confused. He doesn't like being told he was wrong.

"He was crawling towards the ocean."

And I froze. I was crawling otwards the ocean? Why was I? I was dying. I didn't like to be in the ocean alive. The water salty and heavy would drag me under into it's mouth. It's tongue licking the shore ready to swallow me. A small snack not big enough for it's thirst. It's hunger. What was I doing then?

I am looking into reading another book. Picking up on little things for something else in this. This might go on FanFiction I just think it's not really a Sarah Dessen type. It's a little darker. And too much for love-loving kids. It'll probably go along with my other story. "The Riot" becuase they are really similar. And sort of "alternative." I'll blend these characters a lot with those.

I didn't mean to post that much of it but I couldn't help myself.

Jasey Ray

"Up & Go" The Starting Line

Hi

Going to the library. Going ot get some books. Rocking otu to my sick stereo shaking my whole house with my awesome bass stereo speaker thang my dad got out of the attic. My sister yelled at me because of it. My response: "The power of music be-yotch"

So I have a study in school now! Been writing during it. So good. Perfect.

I'm going to read The Great Gatsby so I have some references to talk about in the next rewrite of "Last Place." And my ideas are booming. I'm adding a new character. He's pretty sweet. I mean he's pretty cool. A cool dude. And I have a lot in store for the last ten chapters. A lot more to it. And more drama and angst. So if it took ten teenager's worth of drama and angst I'm bumping it up to like twelve or thirteen.

So yeah. My sister's BF sassed The Academy Is... and listens to Brokencyde. DO NOT LISTEN TO BROKENCYDE THEY ARE A LOAD OF HIPHOPSCREAMO CRAPOLAH! And I'm in a good mood. Blasting The Starting Line and preparing for an all out Santi-fest again. Then again I might go for a Fast Times At Barrington High-fest. Or An Almsot Here-fest. Maybe an all out Academy Is... fest.

I'm happay.
Jaseyray.

The Quest Part 4

Hi

*exhale- catch breathe*

I went over my grandparents house. Get a letter opener and a card game (?) and then find out my dad locked his only set of keys in his van. SO we wait an hour until this guy comes in and opened the door. We leave.

Talking baout my shitty stereo at home and he says he has a sound system upstairs. So we set it up and what not, I'm listening to Santi right now. And totally going off on a weird turn in my quest. But I'll be cleaning my room and listening to Dashboard Confessional and what not. Waiting for that song. Maybe I shouldn't look for it. I should let it come to me.

So I'll stop my quest for now. And hope I find it somehow. Eventually.

I need it now though which stresses me out. In my rewrite I'm jsut about to introduce Bennett. Right when she's going to English with Cass and Ms. Masons calls on him. I wanted to capture him right in this. But... I just found a Bennett and Elisa song. Oof.

"You Might Have Noticed" The Academy Is...

I just heard a whole batch of lyrics that fit it perfectly. Maybe I should just make a playlist of all of this. And then roll with it. See what comes out. What's worse is out of all these characters I relate to Bennett most. And or Elisa.

I should know them best, but Rainie and Paul come out more easily. So Happy Afternoon. As you can see I'm procrastinating. And typing gibberish.

Peace
Jaseyray

The Quest Part 3

Hi

I found an Elisa song. So my searches are not so fruitful towards its purpose but I'm eating my favorite food (salad wrap) drinking my favoirte juice (ginger ale) and blasting I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody' Business.

"Untitled 9" I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody' Business

And Elisa song if I ever saw one.

Oh and I wrote a song.

Jasey Ray

The Quest Part 2

Personnel
*Arthur Enders - vocals, guitar, production
...
*Paul Spinella - assistant engineer, additional vocals

I have found the meaning of life. Justkidding. But it feels pretty fucking close to this. On and Ace Enders record too. Shit. I'm happy.

XD
Jasey Ray

The Quest Part 1

Hi

So I'm on a quest. To find a song. Of course. But not just any song. A complete Bennett song. No Elisa no Rainie no Paul no family. Just a Bennett Williams song. An anthem so to speak- that is of his character. And I'm going to try to capture his character in a new way.

Like I said music sort of shapes my characters. I sort of find the soundtracks of these characters. It's easy for Rainie and Elisa. But above all Paul's the easiest for me. I have a ton of Paul songs. It's shocking how many songs I listen to and jsut think "Paul Spinella" and then smile becuase I love his name.

When I meet a Spinella I'm going ot be their best friend.

Top 5 Paul Songs
"Just Another One" A Rocket To The Moon
"The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" Brand New
"Mayonnais (Cover)" The Academy Is...
"Perfect Kisses" The Apathy Euology
"Automatic Eyes" The Academy Is...

So today my goal is to finish two shirts while listening to all of the CDs I think I'll find these songs on. Right now I have a few in front of me. By a few I mean 13. With all of these quote unquote "emo" bands. Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab For Cutie, Saves the Day, Jimmy Eat World, The Get Up Kids, and last but not least anything I own by Ace Enders.

I think Ace has this voice. I don't know why but I have a feeling I'll find Bennett on one of those records.

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PAUL SPINELLA EXISTS!!!!!!! He did group vocals on I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business. Shit. I'm googling him. Picture later.

BRB
Jasey Ray

"When I Hit the Ground" Ace Enders

Hi

I mentioned my life changing. Well, about two years ago exactly I was sitting and listening to a song. I was screwed up beyond belief. Having been suspended and having nothing in the world to make sense to me. I was handed a song. I shoved it away reluctantly. Saying "That's for losers in tight pants."

Somehow I listened to it. And I got this weird feeling. Just immersed in the beauty of that one song. A guitar and a man. And my life changed. I became this person. And somehow I owe my life to that man. His name is Ace Enders.

I bought his record. And I plugged everything in. My shitty stereo and my uncomfortable kitchen table chair I used ot sit in when I was seven before we got the table we have now. And I listened. Reading the lyrics and the words of this man. The brutal honesty and pure emotion. The last day of winter. And my life just changed. I found the soundtrack of the past year of my life. The worst year. Where I lost my best friends and all of my creative ability and who I was. Where I belonged. Who I wanted to be. And where I needed to go. I lost desire in everything. And it took a trip in the middle of the ocean to pick myself up.

I've never mentioned it before but I went on a cruise. I saw a kid who was wearign a New Found Glory shirt and he was one of those people you see everywhere. But never know. My sister and I hung aorudn with a ground of kids. I found out it was his family. And I met him. His name was Stephen. And he was one of those great people you meet. They aren't like anyone in the world. He was 18. I was the youngest in the group. My goal one night where we were going to stay up all night with the whole group of almsot 10-15 kids was to talk about music with him. And so I did. Bringing up Circa Survive and Anthony Green in a game and that lead to an intense hour-long conversation about music with him. Where he played me a song called "Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New which remains one of my favorite songs to this day. I heard it in the middle of the ocean. And one of the strongest musical connections was a band called The Early November.

After meeting Stephen it was one of thoseperiods of time where from there my life went uphill. I found a table and somehow ended up making real friends. Falling into my rightful place. Making the quote stand true: The Universe Tends To Unfold As It Should. My life philosophy and belief in everything.

The record "When I Hit The Ground" by Ace Enders is the soundtrack of the worst year of my life. And after everything I felt a calming shift in my life. Everything clicking and coming to a stop.

I owe Ace Enders my life. He's made me this person. And although these years are full of regret, I'm alive.

* * *

The strongest imgaes I have of my characters are when I find songs that relate to them. Or these songs find me. It works almost like a movie preview where I can see my characters as real people going through the motions and the story. And it helps my writing so much.

Here is one of the strongest Bennett and Elisa songs I've ever heard. All I see is them. No matter how much of a Rainie and Paul song this is.

When I Hit The Ground
Ace Enders
I tried my best to leave
The broken parts of me
In the hallway where I wait
To watch you walk away
I wonder if I run
If I chase you, would you come?
I just know that something's wrong.
So if you leave this town,
I would follow you right out
The dark of every road to hold you afloat
Cut me deep so you can see
Everything's not what it seems
On my knees, I'm breaking down
Just know I loved you when I hit the ground.
I wander through these streets, a drifter no one sees
Collecting memories, of you and me
I never meant to lose control
I know I hurt you, I was wrong
I should've never let you go
So if you leave this town,
I would follow you right out
The dark of every road to hold you afloat
Cut me deep so you can see
Everything's not what it seems
On my knees, I'm breaking down
Just know I loved you when I hit the ground.
Come down, I'm always around
So if you fall down, I'm always around
Just come down, I'm always around
So if you fall down, I'm always around
So if you leave this town, I would follow you right out
The dark of every road to hold you afloat
Cut me deep so you can see
Everything's not what it seems
On my knees, I'm breaking down
Just know I loved you when I hit the ground.

I just see them. I'm not sure when, just overall. It jsut sort of fits somehow. It annoys me that the lyrics are so Rainie and Paul but with the song it just seems the opposite. What do you think?

JaseyRay

"Forever and Always (Cover)" A Rocket To the Moon

Hi

Part of Phase Two of sequel thing. I really liked it. I want to post it. So I'm gonna'.

Bennett's POV

I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I paused my spoon mid-air waiting to dive back into my bowl of cereal. I was frozen. Waiting. It was Rainie walking by me and going towards the cabinet taking out a box of cereal too. And I watched her. Silently. I took another spoonful and waited.

Finally she turned and say me. Jumping. Flying back towards the counter. She caught her breathe. I stifled a laugh. I shouldn't be laughing- I know- she's pregnant you aren't supposed to find near-heartattacks funny.

"You could have let me know you were there." She hissed.

I laughed chewing my cereal. And taking in another spooful. She made herself a bowl and joined me. Sitting across from me. And we ate quietly for a few seconds. "How did he take it?" I asked.

She swallowed. "Better than I expected." She said. "I don't know. We're both really happy for some reason. We shouldn't be but we are."

"Why shouldn't you be happy?" I asked. Looking at her. In the pale light of the night she was visible. Her hair long and her skin still pale. She still looked young. Not Elisa-kind of young where she looks like she's only 16. She just seems like she doesn't have an age. She chewed another bite of cereal.

"We don't have any money." She said. "We've only been married half a year, we can barely afford to look at our own place. I mean, we're going to have to support another living thing. It's scary."

I paused. "But then again, you love each other. You're not going to end up getting a divorce realizing you aren't mature enough to take care of kids. Besides you know how to take care of kids." I said.

She paused. Looking down into her bowl of cereal. Likeit was a crystal ball holding the answers. She looked up at me. "My appointment was supposed to be next week." She said.

"You were going to get an abortion?" I said softer starign at her.

Her face was worn now. Depressed and hurt. She nodded. "Elisa talked me out of it." She said.

I thoguht about this. "I can see her doing that." I said softly. It was easy. She was that kind of person. The part I couldn't see was Rainie wanting one in the first place.

Rainie nodded. "I owe her so much." She said. "I don't know what would have happened without her."

We were quiet for a long time. Eating silently. Rainie was looking at me. I looked back at her. "I was thinking about this a lot." She said suddenly. "About when Paul and I first met."

"Yeah," I said. "Way back in high school." I smiled a little. It's weird knowing Rainie longer than Paul. Knowing I was there when they met. I saw them fall in love and I broke them up and I got them back together when they broke up again.

She nodded. "If I had picked Sean instead, and gone back to that party, I would never have had this." She said. I nodded. Opening my mouth to agree. "Something tells me we would have ended up together. In some twisted world."

I thought about this. Before I met Elisa that's all I wanted to hear. To know I had a chance with her, but I never did. I had no chance with her. She was meant to be with Paul. I get along with her now, we're friends. What's hard is not knowing what would have happened to Elisa.

"And Paul," She said. "Would have ended up with this girl Lauren. I put money on it. She was his first real girlfriend."

"What do you think would have happened to Elisa?" I asked.

Rainie paused. "She would have stayed with that kid she broke up with for you." She said softly.

That thought was scary. If Elisa had stayed with Nathan. I was quiet. Thinking about this. And then I got up putting my bowl of cereal in the sink. Rainie followed. I looked at her. "You and Paul around going ot be fine." I said softly.

She smiled a little. "Thanks," She said.

And then I hugged her. Squeezing her once. Knowing in some twisted world I would be with her not Elisa. I mved away taking a step to go back to the room I had left my love alone in. "Bennett," Rainie said softly. I looked back at her. "Are you ever going to ask her to marry you? I mean, she's getting worried you're not. Not now, but do you plan to?"

I smiled a little. "I've been trying to." I said. I've tried six time in the past six months. There have been perfect times or bad times. The first we were sitting in the car by the same pond we always used to go to in high school listening to Sunday Drive on March 19. Another we were backstage at a show. We were alone and I was planning to do it. But Jonah came in. And started hitting on her to tease me. But every time it goes wrong. There's something that's off. "It's jsut never right."

She smiled. "Really?" she asked. "She's so scared I think. Paul and I are beating you two badly."

I smiled a little. "Don't I know it."

We went back to our rooms. I climbed back into the bed. Elisa shifting. "What's wrong?" She whispered. I took her into my arms. Kissing her head.

I thanked god fate made it so Rainie and Paul found each other. Because even though I suffered alone I found Elisa. The greatest thing to ever happen to me. "I love you," I whispered into her skin.

"I love you, too." She kissed me. Her lips soft and perfect. Warm and incredible. Sending shivers down my spin and warmth through my flesh. I didn't know loving someone this much was possible. But even though Rainie and Paul were beating us when it came to building a life. But I don't think anyone could love someone as much as I loved Elisa.

So I held onto her. Knowing I just needed to figure out how to show her that I did.

"Bittersweet Symphony" Ace Enders

Hi

Why does everyone hate Bennett in "Perfect Kisses"?

Jasey Ray

"Sowing Season (Yeah)" Brand New

Hi

So I wrote this a while ago. It's in Paul's POV and I decided to post it on my little break here.

Paul's POV

I was standing behind her in the Quick-E Mart. I looked at her. Each movement she made the bones in her elbow shifted. I thought suddenly it couldn't be her. She was never this skinny. But suddenly she turned walking out. Her face. I felt a shock. Chills running through me. I paid for my gas. "Can I have a pack of Marlboros?" I said taking out some money.

The kid rang up those too. I looked out and saw her waiting. On the curb just standing there. Waiting for me. We haven't talked in a month and a half. I've seen her. Not lately though. I saw small changes in her when I used to see her everywhere. How she smiled less and just stood there. Always having something in her hands at parties with alcohol in it. And it was probably never beer.

I paid walking out standing next to her. I took out a cigarette and started to light it. I felt her eyes on me. Scared to look up. Not because I knew I would still feel the rush I did before she broke up with me, but not wanting to know if they changed. I took in a drag. The smoke calming my shaking stomach. Like it did the night this whole thing started.

I sat down on the curb. She paused. Looking down at me. I felt her eyes. And finally I looked at her. She was a skeleton. Her face pale and thin. There was nothing to her anymore. In this short period of time she was down to nothing. "I thought you quit smoking." She said. Her voice the same. It made my heart pick up speed. But it was already fast. She was a ghost. She terrfied me.

"I've had a lot going on," I said. I looked forward. Into the street.

"Me too," She said. "Can I have one?"

Then suddenly I looked at her. Her hand was stretched out to me. This skeleton wanted a cigarette. Her eyes were marbles. Glass and hard and fake. She wasn't Rain. This couldnt' be her. I swallowed. How did this happen to her? "What happened?" I asked suddenly outloud.

She looked at mel ike I was stupid. "Nothing," She said defensivly. "I just want a fucking cigarette."

And I froze. Her voice it changed. Spike. Harsh and hard. "To us," I said. "What happened to us?"

I felt weak. I was holding on so hard. I loved her. I always did. She stared at me blankly. Like I was a stranger. Asking her what's up. I looked down insecure. She was a skeleton. She was death. "I've gone over this a million times in my head." I said. "Nothing went wrong. I don't know what happened. You... jsut left me."

And she gritted her teeth. "We wanted different things." She said.

I shook my head. "No," I was fightign desperatly. I needed her back. I'd take her back as this ghost. As anything. I jsut needed her. Any part of her. "I just wanted to be with you."

She looked forward. Out into the street. Ending the conversation. I hated whatever took her away from herself. And then suddenly I needed anything. This was hurting so bad. I wanted to fight back. And suddenly I said something. "I heard about you and Bennett." I took in a drag.

She looked at me. "What did you hear?" She asked.

I exhaled all the smoke I had in me. "That you're sleeping with him." I said.

"Do you believe it?" She asked.

I looked at her. "Yes," I said. It was true. I've seen them together. Leaving parties going upstairs coming down them. The proof was lyign in front of me.

"We just drink together." She said. "That's it."

She didn't seem effected by this. It was like saying the weather. I swallowed looking at her. I thought of all the hows and whys. And then suddenly I remembered the last time I saw her like this. She was tlaking about her mother. So I figured it was a fair shot. "Is this about your letter not coming?" I asked.

And her face changed. It flickered back to the old Rain. The one that was innocent. So complicated and perfect. Everything about her unjudgable and random. And then she went back to the skeleton she was a few seconds ago. She shook her head and got up. "I can't do this." She snapped. And she started walking away. Leaving me there with my burning cigarette and gettign into her car and vanishing.

I still loved her. That fucked everything up even more.

* * *

I walked into the party. The room was full of people. And everythign in my world seemed ot by numb. I kept walking. Not getting a beer or anything. I was slipping in and out of conversations. I couldn't get that image of her. A skeleton, a ghost out of my head. It hurt to know thats whats happened to her.

Lauren was across the room. Waving to me. I lifted my hand. And then suddenly someone bumped into me. Or walked into me. People were looking. I turned a little, and she fell against me. Collapsing. She shook gently. Crying. I held her tight. Taking in the feel of her and the smell of her skin. It smell like acidic rain. It wasn't the same, but she was here. In my arms.

"Rainie," I looked up it was Bennett. Of all people. The prick.

"What did you do?" I asked. She held onto me. Her arms fitting around me. Clinging. I didn't want to let go. I never would.

The kid paused. Looking me in the eyes. Looking at Rainie. And then back at me. "I tried to get her to sleep with me."

The next thign I know the feeling of her in my arms was gone. My fist connected with something. I haven't hit someone in a while. I did once in Middle School and got suspended. But I hit him perfectly in the eyes with one swing. He crumbled. And kids started yelling. But I felt the aching in my hand. And suddenly I realized she was gone. Slipped away somehow.

My best guess was away from here. Out. So I went to the door and walked out. Seeing her car leaving. I made it to the lawn. "Rain!" She kept driving. And I reamined there. Watching her. I rubbed the joints in my hand. They ached more.

And suddenly the door opened behind me and I turned. The last person I expected was there.

I looked down and turned around to look at him. I realized it didn't make sense. She would have slept with him probably. Not that I like knowing that. But she would have. And suddenly I felt bad. "I'm sorry, dude." I said.

He was gripping his face. He winced when he moved his hand away. "It's fine." He said.

I looked at the street. "You didn't try to get her to sleep with you." I said. He opened his mouth. "I know."

And he closed it. "She got upset," He said. "She needs you. I can't try and be you anymore."

I paused lookign at him. "Why would you be me?" I asked. I was confused. It didn't make sense.

He winced again. "I stopped drinking about a month ago. She says your name a lot and talks about you all the time when she's smashed. When it's really late she calls me your name sometimes. I told her that and she got upset and ran away."

I nodded.

"Do you know where she is?" He asked.

"A good guess," I said. I looked at him. "I'm sorry."

He moved his hand away checking for blood. "You played sports right?"

I paused. "Yeah,"

"You must've been nasty at boxing."

I smiled. Opening my motuh to talk again.

"See you," Bennett said and he turned around going back into the house.

I looked back at the street she went down. I figured my guess of where she was was pretty accurate. So I went to go find Rain. Hoping she wasn't gone forever.

I never brought up that little confrontation between Paul and Bennett. It's a little secret thing. I don't know whether or not I should. Maybe in "Last Place" or possibly in "Perfect Kisses" maybe in both.

Peace. I'll be making shirts and blasting all the new stuff I bought on iTunes.
JCRAY

"The Love" The Morning Light

Hi

Today is "Make Shirts Day" for me. Which means I will be in my "studio" - room - making t-shirts which I will continue to screw up until my sister comes home from dance competition to tell me she hates them and I'll have to waste another ten dollars of which I don't have on more.

Yesterday was "Post Updates Day" as you can see that was an epic fail. I posted one. Worked on "Last Place" rewrite and wrote about a page on a word document for it and was told I didn't know the characters in the book my stories are about.

Then again Yesterday turned into "Talk to Nick Scimeca, Shawn and Brooke" on stickam. They all work for a company called 'We Can't Stop Thinking' crazy graphic stuff and what not. I did so along with a series on online creeps and Johnny Minardi. That took up three hours but inspired me to work on "Last Place."

So I'll be blasting Ace Enders and The Academy Is... (I have a sudden urge to rock out to Fast Times at Barrington High and Almost Here simultaneously) and singing.

I sound very bitter. I'm not. I'm extremely happy. I sang a song for my sister and played guitar. Talent Show has been bugging me out. And the reason I've been questioning whether or not I should do it is my sister telling me she hated my voice. But she told me my voice has gotten a ton better so I've been singing so much lately. My Ace Enders record has been victimized lately with my comstant singing along and also any song that makes me want to belt out the words.

But so my rambling stops here with an excuse: No updates today and or tomorrow. I have to have three shirts done by Sunday or else my mother is taking away my cell phone, my guitar, and my Academy Is... CDs. She knows that if she takes my iPod away I'll just be annoying and jittery and pacing aorund all day not knowing what to do with myself.

Tweet.
JaseyRay

"Leader" Ace Enders

My life just completely changed.
You have no idea.

"Forever Ended Today" Remember Maine

Hi

I love riding the bus. It's weird. I like just sitting there by myself and looking out the window playing songs I totally fall into. It's great. Once I was so into the music- Jimmy Eat World "night Drive" -I was just walking off when this kid's head literally smashes into my back. I don't talk on the bus. It jsut picks me up and drops me off. No word nothing. I'm no longer addressed by my busdriver either. And the first words I said on that bus (becuase I switch buses in the afternoon, this is bus 3) I say/andoryell whichever you pick "What the Hell?" at the jerk whose head slammed into my back breaking my from my Jimmy Eat World emmersed moment.

But anyway! I write soem of my favorite parts in my head on the bus. One of my favorite PaulxRainie scenes in "Last Place" was written becuase I had a feeling people were thinking they were going to break up. So I thought it up, and was like "YES!!!!" and scurried home and posted that chapter which is one of my favorite parts written on impulse ever. Never thoguht out much until that day.

So today is a Remember Maine day for me. Which always get's me a little Bennett crazy. But whenever I get into Remember Maine phases it goes onto an exploration of Early Academy Is... aka The Academy. And then right on along with the records and EPs and what not. Which I'm happy about, BUT it only means one thing- I'll be more inspired to write my "Last Place" rewrite, which I am on page 2 in my word dosument and about 14 pages of just notes in my new notebook I write in religiously at school. Which I am slightly embarrassed about.

Because: when I was in fifth and fourth grade I'd bring my notebooks to recess with me. I never wrote I just had them. And they'd get passed around at lunch. And everyone would read them. It was slightly and incredibly embarrassing to me now. But then it just made me feel cool.

I hate saying this but I am incredibly embarrassed of my writing. Especially the fact that I post stuff on a website called "FanFiction." Now this expirience has changed my life. But I am scared of what people are going to say when I wlak into school and talk about my stories. I do sometimes slip up and complain about how I need to post a new chapter or list that as in my to-do list at school. My closest friends don't even know about it. Just the kids I'm in classes with. And they ask me "What are you posting and update for?" or "What are you talking about?"

I'm the english chick. I've had two of my past papers up on the overhead in English since my teach decided to start doing "Open Response Bloopers" and by now everyone knows what I'm writing and even the negative I-hate-english kid says my papers were too good for him to write. I'm not proud of this. My mother wants to read all my papers now and everyone looks at me. But I am only like this because of FanFiction and my writing on there. I've grown so much as a writer and a person it's almsot strange. My life without FanFiction is like losing half of myself.

I basically live a double life. I go from being dorky-musicobsessed-Erin to this person I don't show anyone really. My voice on paper is so different from the person my friends know. They don't get my art or why I go to the artroom every chance I have. I mean, I'm lucky to have a moment or two when I can go into a class and just release my thought and my world onto paper or let my creative self out. I like a place where I don't have control and everythign spills out.

In school it's in my favorite classes and English papers. At home it's my room and my computer. Those are some of my favorite places. But my absolute is the busride home. Where I'm just alone, with something to focus on, and nothing to do. And it's just me and the music I love and 75% of the student body at my school hates. And 90% of them don't know. It's jsut me and my creativity and my mind.

"I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really liek to be." - Holden Catcher in the Rye

I'll stop quoting JD Salinger. But my suggestion to you is to go out and find this book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower read it and I think you might understand who I always will be on the inside.

Love Always,
Jasey Ray

"Baby Blue" The Early November

Hi

I'm going to start my english homework now and down some pain relievers becuase my tummy hurts like a mother. And so I've told about five people in my real life about my stuff on FanFiction and I don't know if I want people reading it. But I guess if they want to they can. But for now I just want to work on my rewriting and stuff.

So excited for my "Last Place You Look" rewrite. It's all I've been writing lately but I need to get "Perfect Kisses" done. But that's a pretty easy one. I can write in Rainie's POV like that now. *snap*

So maybe/mabye no update tonight depends on how intense my tummy is hurting later, how well I can write a rewrite without having the urge to check the message boards or check out whats going on with my fab five- The Academy Is...

But my tummy hurts worse now. Peace. I feel sick. Oof.

JCRY

"War all of the Time" Thursday

Hi

I was so excited for today, go to Newbury Comics preparing myself to buy Ace Enders' new record. I hunt for it. It's not there. I talk to this guy who I got into a conversation with a couple weeks ago about music and what not, and turns out all they sold all of their Ace Enders records today. I'm sooo happy for him. He deserves it so much. There is only six copies left in their warehouse the guy said, which is fucking incredible. Go Ace!

So while I am translating Shakespeare right now, I'm listening to a Podcast which I do whenever I am interested in what's cooking at the old AP Podcast. Chris Connolly. Saves the Day! I'm down. So I've been listening to it, and I'm so excited for my "Last Place You Look" rewrite. If you don't remember Saves the Day is Jonah's favorite band and all this week in my notebook I've just been writing about Jonah. I tihnk he's overpowering Sean right now, but he's so fun to write. I don't have to make him fit any mold.

With characters like Rainie and Paul they have to fit the people Elisa sees them as too, which is hard becuase I've never done this before by having chracters playing big roles in each other's stories. But I'm trying. But Jonah! He's everywhere now! I love him and I know everyone else does too.

With this Saves The Day thing, the only reason I listened to them at first was this video... of course... of the Academy Is... and I saw them on the greatest show ever (!) Steven's Untitled Rock Show (RESTINPEACE!!!!!!!!) and fell in love with this song and the emotion it brought to me. So I bought they're record and was so excited to have it. But I never listen to it much anymore. But I'm whipping it out soon and there will be a ton better Saves the Day references. I swear.

Another idea I'm toying with. When is this set? What time? I'm thinking 2005-2006. And if you were unaware the time period for Sunday Drive breaking up fits along with The Early November's breaking up too, which makes perfect sense. And not only that! but if it was set any sooner there would be Academy Is... Fueled By Ramen name drops left and right... which is what leads to fakeness and all that Panic! at the Gym Class Paramores... and I won't get into that.

So peace. Well met, well departed.
JaseyRay

"Lullabye" Armore For Sleep

Hi

I'm dying to get into this band Armor for Sleep I ust don't know where to start. So I went on looking at lyrics and found a Bennett and Rainie song! I'm uber excited. I never heard it-heard it but the lyrics are exactly what I thought when I wrote this Bennett and Rainie part.

"Lullabye" Armore for Sleep

I have to write a paper but I'm downloading that whole record. So excited.

Lullabye
JAYSayRay

"I'm A Sucker For Fakes" Forgive Durden

Hi

So my writing is suffering quite a bit lately. Due to the fact that yes- I have drama in my life. I was friends with this one girl and she keeps fucking up my life. And I can't stand her at all. I'm the worst at watching movies and having best friends. My past four have been total fails. One went crazy and moved school because she had no friends and goes to therapy a ton. One I don't talk to anymore. One is a complete bitch I've been bitter about for almost a year. And the last is my ex-boyfriend.

I'm a complete cynic. I don't believe in relationships at all. Despise anyone whose in one in my grade or needs a boy that bad. And I'm a hypocryte but it's better to admit it than just lounge around being a hypocryte and not knowing it.

But my writing seems very bitter. I try writing a lot when I'm not paying attention in French. But the girl who sits next to me kept talking about X-men taking it I had known what she was talking about. I was talking bout Fantastic Four (which is another movie I hevn't seen nor plan to). So I had to explain to her I don't know how to watch movies.

And so on. So my writing is going through a little bitter thing. Which is resulting in Paul Spinella acting really happy and everything. Which is a weirdweird outcome.

But Bennett and Rainie were going ot have like a bitch fight and I had to go in and fix it before it turned into something nasty. I needed to post a quick update and everything. Prove I'm not so worthless although I should be working on my English paper.

Missyoualready
Jaseyrayy

"The Call Out (You Are The Dishes)" Hit The Lights

How creepy are you?

very....

Hi

So in case you've never met this is Bennett Williams... except minus the jean jacket. What's weird is I never knew this picture existed until a few hours ago.

Wow.

"Islands in the Sun" Weezer

Hi

I'm trying to go back to my roots with my Kerrington-based stories. It's not that difficult. As you know, my obsession with The Academy Is... has grown more than any obsession I've ever had. And my respect for them is overwhelmingly manifesting inside of me, and will for a while now, but I'm finding the songs and moments in the middle of records where I dropped my album booklets and CD cases and grabbed my notebook and started writing. And/or stole records and listened to them online and opened word documents and started writing.

But I've found a lot of songs I've forgotten. With the new music coming out all the time and out there waiting for me, I'm finding more and more influences which is why the characters are changing and the ideas are moving onto new levels.

Rereading everything I've noticed two things 1) I have improved my spelling immensly (Spell Check) and 2) there is so much more to these stories than boy meets girl and boy falls in love before girl and they somehow end up together in an intoxicating love connection. There's substance and there's meaning. Which is much like a record.

Anyone can write cheesy hit songs. I mean... look at Taylor Swift. I could easily write a song like "Love Story" and I won't make as much money, but I could do so. Maybe not a hit song but one that compared to "Love Story." But what musicians strive for is just longevity and meaning and purpose. I'll have to face it, I will never be in a band. I will go to shows, support bands, love music for the rest of my life, but never will I be onstage playing in front of twenty emo kids or more playing music written by the people I share the stage with. I would give anything to do so, but I was given a silent voice. And I'll use that to make my art and my music.

As you can see, I'm positioning myself far away from books like Twilight and even my favorites. I'm reading as little as I can- which is awful and everything but, I'm trying to go back to whatever inspired me to sit back and make up these stories. I want these stories out there. I want to reach people and have then understand what I am when I read these stories as if they weren't even my own. I'm relying on music.

The relationships are inspired by songs.

ElisaxBennett

"After the Last Midtown Show" The Academy Is...

"Sunday Drive" The Early November

"The Brilliant Dance" Dashboard Confessional

"This Ruined Puzzle" Dashboard Confessional

"Steadier Footing" Death Cab For Cutie

"Winter Passing" The Academy Is...

"Last Place You Look" The Get Up Kids

"I'll Catch You" The Get Up Kids

"Nightingale" Saves the Day

"Forever Ended Today" Remember Maine

"For Me This Is Heaven" Jimmy Eat World

RainiexPaul

"Perfect Kisses" The Apathy Euology

"The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" Brand New

"Just Another One" A Rocket To The Moon

"Automatic Eyes" The Academy Is...

"Play Crack The Sky" Brand New

"Don't Mess With Texas" Remember Maine

The bands the characters talk about and go see are what I've heard about by jotting down bandnames during interviews of my favorite bands, as you can see above. So right now I feel more like a silent musician making up for all my lost sound with all the words I can. And as hard as it is to be a part of this "scene" in the chunk of music I'm listening to it's goos to know I'm doing my best to fuel it and to open kids up to the music that influenced the major bands they listen to.

Fall Out Boy was majorly inspired by "Four Minute Mile" which is one of my favorite Get Up Kids records. The Academy Is... was influenced by bands like Saves the Day and GUK and Alkaline Trio.

To be in this scene theres always a band you test the waters with. And if you don't like it, you shrink back and say "You know what I'll go somewhere else," and don't jump into what can change your life someday. Being a music listener is not hitting pause the moment you hit a wall in your listening, it's about taking dives and letting yourself open up to other things.

I didn a quiz on Facebook. I didn't post it, it was a "Note" thing and you checked the boxes of bands you liked. Although the bands were all horribly misplaced I Xed all the bands I liked. And unfortunatly my score was low. I feel less bad knowing half of the stuff on that list was a load of crap and that Gym Class Heroes was under indie(?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? COMPLETE JOKE?!?!?!!? Yes.)

But then again I listen to things nobody knows about. I'm used to standing up in front of my English class with maybe three or two people who actually know a little bit about my music and what not, and saying "This Band is called Empires, and I'm assuming nobody knows who they are..." Overwhelmingly the answer was 'No, who the fuck's Empires?' In this "scene" called "emo music" it's so open and wide and broad. It's weird to say I expect this band I knew about since a month after they started is on the back cover of Altenative Press Magazine and people are asking ME if I know who they are.

I already feel older now with all these little bands I know blowing up and the bands I fell in love with withering away. I can't back-sass Paramore nor can I ever repeat the sentence "William Beckett is a girly anorexic toolshit" because these bands shaped me. They opened me up to the CDs in my library that never seemed to exist in my life when I was rocking The Early November back when I was 12 and wearing only clothes from those brand-obsessedteenybopperstores.

But what I create is coming from all those places. Who knows. If I hadn't jumped into this world of "emo" music I may be writing Clique books about all the shitty girls I have to deal with in my life.

But here I am. Ranting about music downloading what could have been my iPod Favorties Playlist had my sister never met a girl named Rachel who sent her a song by my good friend Ace Enders. Or had I bough Justin Timberlake over All-American Rejects with my fifteen dollar Target Giftcard from my grandfather.

This world is a new place. We as people are too naive to understand that what we need to do is live and live lifestyles where we won't get what we want but we will be happy. Less work work work. More breathe love live.

*Sigh* and so I return you to your normal life and I to mine. I have to say, I'm embarrassed my sister will be playing this music I'm downloading tomorrow at her Swee 16, though I have snuck in various goodies for myself like Cobra Starship, The Academy Is... and 3OH!3 jams I dance to all the time, but at least I'm getting money for this. I'm saving up this time.

J-Z Ray

"Guilty Pleasures" Cobra Starship

Hi

So I am fighting the urge to downlod Ace enders (formerly form The Early November aka greatest emo band ever aka my hero aka the guy whose saved my life aka arther) leaked new album. I'm buying it the day it comes out and rocking it forever but I hope when I go to download a certain Sass-kicking record from Cobra Starship (Fangs Up) it'll take away the urge fastfastfast.

Update possibly tonight? My to do list:
1. Finish Shirt (only one) TASK COMPLETED (Sass Kicked)
2. Shower TASK COMPLETED (SASS Majorly KICKED!)
3. Science googlyguck. (epic fail.)
4. "Perfect Kisses" update (The home stretch? Possible Sass kicked?)

If I accomplish all of this I will be kicking major SASS! hahah. I'll use that as a new word for now on. A noun meaning noobies' heads and or lower rear end. Plus my images are going uber well for characters. I have Elisa basically perfect in my mind and Rainie is perfect now too. Bennett still looks like a Mr. Beckett and Paul is looking more and more like a "Mystery Man B(?)" BUT I have been doing mind voodoo on myself and what not. It'll be great. UBER-SASS KICKING FANTASTIC!!!!

I might as well be a Cobra Fan, BUT I lack the committment and attention span. I am a full time Academy Is... dedicated fan. Part-time Early November/Ace Enders and anything else I can consider myself a fan of.

So! I'll be back soon. I could have finished a shirt in the time that lapsed in this writing, and it is like kicking my own sass but I'll be back soon! I promise! Exclamation Point. Period!

Kick major Sass or no update
JaseyRay

"If It Means That Much To You" A Day To Remember

Hi

So I've been a creative little freak all weekend. I attempted to draw William Beckett but epically failed so I decided yo give up and draw The Butcher (Academy Is... drummer) and found my sister blasting Jimmy Robbins music asking me to rip it off YouTube for her. Which I did gladly. And then led to her showing me a Jonas Brothers song that she liked (personally I prefer Jesse McCartney when it comes to cheesy awful Disney music - he's my guilty pleasure/on Greek next season!) and then she played this song that this boy showed her (mind you she has a boyfriend but she is very much like Jess-ee-cah even though she has a BF).

And it's changed everything. I'm obsessed. I learned it on guitar in five minutes and have played it at least twenty times in the past 15 hours.

So I tried working on my "Perfect Kisses" Rewrite but I couldn't. I kept branching off and writing "Last Place" which is very annoying and weird. I used to HATE "Last Place" and was dying to write this rewrite.

But role reversal. And so here I am, just waking up an hour ago. It's 2PM where I am. And I have three notebook pages all for "Last Place" because I have hit a rather hard wall in my rewrite, but I'll go back and start working on that and hopefully update tonight when my mother is working.

Listen to this song and take in the beauty of everything I absolutly love in a song. Everything about it. The guitar. The vocals that tell a story. Boy and Girl. Plus that girl from Versaemerge is awesome! And then the build up where it breaks off into acapella and then fades. God, it was made for me. Just gorgeous. Listen ot the lyrics. They are so good.

I want to try out for my school's talent show playing a song and singing (epicfail) and I was caught between two but I think this is it. I jsut can't get the melodies right and I need to memorize the guitar but they haven't brought up the Talent Show yet so I have time. And even tohugh I'll ruin the song I'l trying otu for me and what not.

La la la
Jasey Ray.

"Trouble" Nevershoutnever

Hi

I was up last night getting all inspired and what not and I started writing. It was great. BUT I have good/bad news. I'm changing Bennett's name I think. I have a last name. It's Lacy. And I'm thinking it might be Bennett Lacy but that doesn't fit that well. I'll be saying it all day seeing if it fits but I may/may not even try changing it. Spinella was just a placeholder name too, but it's basically my favorite last name ever! So I may keep Bennett Williams.

If I have to change anything it'll be his frist name. But it's so hard. I'm so adjusted to him being Bennett Williams. So I don't know. I'll roll with it I guess. It makes me feel like I'm writing aobut the source of my inspiration for this' life. Which is what's bothering me a lot.

Bennett Lacy
Bennett Williams
Lacy Williams (Joke)
? Lacy

I'm cominmg up with a list of names. I'll pick one. And start working with it. It's so hard. I'll be drawing today. Sitting in my room listening ot Death Cab For Cutie and Brand New and The Early November (Thus getting as close to Sunday Drive as humanly possible).

And I made a playlist which was uber fun. It makes me write a lot which is spectacular.

Sunday Drive
"Sunday Drive" The Early November
"Perfect Kisses" The Apathy Euology
"The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" Brand New
"Steadier Footing" Death Cab For Cutie
"Wonderwall" Oasis
"Winter Passing" The Academy Is...
"I'll Catch You (Acoustic)" The Get Up Kids
"Styrofoam Plates" Death Cab For Cutie
"Mayonnaise (Smashing Pumpkins Tribute)" The Academy Is...
"Last Place You Look" The Get Up Kids
"The Mountain Range in My Living Room" The Early November
"Nightingale" Saves the Day
"Play Crack the Sky" Brand New
"The Author" The Academy
"Every Night's Another Story" The Early November

So I'll be writing and drawing and drinking ginger ale with my cat Puddy (Pud- as in beginning of PUDDing and E). I'll have some updating to doo this week. Also anticipating two releases from monumental bands in my life on the same day XD (amazing emoticon) and anticipating a lot of other stufff.

So peace. Updates tonight I promise.
JaseyRay.

"Wonderwall" Oasis

Hi

So picture this. Me: mother's F150 at gasstation. Mother: gettign gas. Radio: Starts playing "Wonderwall."

I feel liek a third wheel on these thigns soemtimes. "Wonderwall" is Rainie and Paul's song and when I head it it's like it's my own song. And I get all smiley and turn it up and listen. Only to get interrupted by my mother climbing in to find her debit card in the middle of the breakdown.

But yeah, that's my creepy writer moment today.

pce.
JCRAY

"Outside" The Early November

Hi

I made an inspirational playlist and i was listening ot it on theb us while the girl I walk to school with when on and on about how much she hates school. I honestly can't stand the poor girl. She depresses me more than anything. Thus why I started drowning her out with my iPod. We no longer talk on the way to school. But she listens to Jack's Mannequin which is a plus.

So my ideas for both rewrites are flowing flowing flowing. I'm ready to hammer out some more ideas. I think my mother's working with weekend and I'll start on Chapter 15? today and get to work too. I'll have an update tonight.

But for "Last Place You Look" my ideas are sooo incredible and exciting. Ah. I cna't wait to start hammering that out. I think I'll let them pool up a little and then slap on a few fast updates when they are in and I have a good direction and what not.

I've been reading Sarah Dessen books a lot and it's really good. I'm on Lock and Key and it's better than I first thought. I made through like 100 pages during school today. And I need to go back and read Someone Like You and buy them all too. I own three. But I'll have her new one too. But I have no money. Saving up for some records. But I'll hopefully have some then. I wasted so much time on Twilight, you don't even know.

But big plans. Big ideas.
JaseyRay.

"The Hunt Club" Remember Maine

Hi


So I finished the sequel thing and added a little "one-shot." Phase 2 was about Rainie's pregnancy, and what not. Elisa feeling like Bennett was never going to finally ask her to marry him for real and stuff. Adult life and everything.

But I'm going back to high school. My expertise and everything. I am really getting down to it. So excited to start working on my rewrites. No more excuses.

My new idea is a little darker. Something I odn't tihnk many of my readers on FanFiction will like. It's about a boy. He's artsy and emotional. And it starts with him and his suicide attempt. This kid saves his life and this kid is a drug-gie and sort of takes the kid under his wing and teaches him how to live. And then suddenly the drug-gie kid finds out he only has five months to live.

It's different. A lot more in the direction I want to move towards. It's cool. It's the kind of book I'd want to read now. But I'll be writing another love story or two. (Hint- I now have two accounts on FanFiction -Hint).

So I'll see you.
JaseyRay

True Confessions: I played the new Fall Out Boy game "Fall Out Boy Trail" for about two hours over the past two days.