And the drumroll ceases...

My fanfiction is updated.

Happy Holidays!

So Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm here to say you might have a belated gift. I'm working on "All We Ever Needed" again. And suspending "Last Place" and "Perfect Kisses." For the time being. I'm thinking of starting up another writing project but it doesn't look like it's coming together as a cheesy love story and I don't think it fits my story writing themes under this name.

Oh well. I'm working on it.

I miss you all and I'm going to have it up soon. I keep talking about it, but I don't know what I'm doing really. It's hard getting back into something you haven't done in a while but I've found out I forgot where I was going where I last left off with it. I'm not going to say my writing will be up to par but it will be me trying to get back into it.

So happy holidays and I'll get back to writing. I have to say I have typos less often now. Which is awesome! Woo!

Happy happy happy happy holidayssss!

And so it's the new year.

I met my hero this weekend and was a crying sobbing mess when I did. Ironically it was the lead singer of the band that inspired the fictional emo-darlings Sunday Drive. It changed my life. I feel reborn.

I started writing "All We Ever Needed" for you guys. It's slow and painful and jumpy but I'm trying to get Will's voice back. I forgot everyone's names too. Oof.

I don't know if you guys feel like this but this FanFiction girl hasn't posted anything in a while and I wanna shake her to death. She needs to update! I need to find out if this girl and guy are getting together in her story! Ah!

distance makes the heart grow fonder.

no idea what i want to do now with my writing. i might start up "all we ever needed" again. i wonder if people still remember it..

pov/setting?: a secret

He was so close to me. He was right there. There was a balance know. I knew my place. I was in the middle. There was a tug inside of me in two directions. There wasn't a direction per person, because I knew it wasn't that simple. What did I want? What did I always want? I knew that deep down. I knew he was always there. I swallowed and felt his breath on my lip. I moved my hand up into his hair.

I could see the image of what I had headed towards. What had been either chosen for or by me. I didn't know, but now there was no knowing what to do. I was helpless. I inched back a little, but in the end I gave in. Our lips met.

Perfection was embodied.

Now. It wasn't too late. I felt breath disappear inside of me and I pulled away. Our lips had barely been touching in the first place. I moved my hands to his face cradling it. He was so perfect for me. I dropped my hands and dropped my head to his shoulder. I didn't believe I was letting myself lose him. But now there was the decision to be made.

"I can't," I whispered.

His arms encircled me. "This hurts so much," I whispered.

"I know," He answered.

"We can't," I said. He squeezed me. I felt warm in his arms. I felt the word heavy in the air. Mistake. Mistake. Mistake. Stop. Now. Take it back. Take it back. Take it back. You ruined everything. I hated myself with all of my heart. I could never forgive myself for this. He kissed my forehead and we moved apart.

He got up slowly and started to walk out like he said he would. I swallowed and looked at him. "I love you," I said. "I always will, it's just..."

He turned and looked at me. "We could have made it," He said. "I think so. I never thought I'd say that, but we could have."

I stared at him. He smiled weakly. "You look beautiful tonight," He said. I froze and stared at him. My heart started racing. I could hear it reverberate in my head. He smiled weaker and then turned and left. I was in shock. My eyes welled up with tears. Now. Now. Now. Don't let this go.

I got up. I ran and called out his name.

There was no answer. Not even an echo.

pov/setting?: a secret

I was still. My bones were frozen and bonded together in a still unmoving position. I felt the whole dug deep in my chest. It was there. It was always there. I stared at the back of my eyelids and felt suddenly some form of warmth radiate out of my insides. I remembered his voice. Everything he's said to me that has actually stuck after all of this. It made the ache worse but I felt the slightest relief. I went through all I knew about him. Every detail, every moment, ever song... it was all right there. His touch was always there on me somehow. I didn't have signs of him anywhere but inside of me. His fingerprints were everywhere. I picked them up and looked at them. I examined every touch. I felt happiness and the deep, deep pain. I couldn't feel anything else. It was a need. A want. A passion. It was like someone had taken all my life and compacted it into a feeling. A trigger in my mind was off. I remembered when we met. When we first kissed. When I first felt this feeling in small inanimate doses. He reshaped my life. He reshaped all I had ever known. I was denying it deep down. But I was so aware of it. The emotion was intoxicating. The feeling was an addiction. It wasn't fulfilling- but it was something- I was going to feel this for the rest of my life. As long as he existed to me. As long as I didn't cast him aside as some sick daydream. As a myth. People like him had to exist. I needed to know that. Because I'd never feel this again if he didn't.

I was in love for the first time. And it had been my love's demise.

"use somebody" paramore

hi

i'm feeling quite a lot lately. a mix of emotions. i've felt stress. i've felt happiness. i've felt hate. i've felt like i am a traitor. i've felt betrayed. i've felt stragely out of place. i've felt like i belong.

i'm feeling motivated to write a certain story but i don't know why. i'm extremely confused by this but this is where it starts.

and off we go! prepare for some notes.

jaseyray

"island" the starting line

hey

i'm writing in paul's pov lately. i'm working on "perfect kisses" and what not. BUT i saw this kid who is the new image of both paul and my character lace in my new story today twice. once on my way to math and then on my walk home DRIVING IN THE LANDCRUISER THAT INSPIRED MY WRITING PIECE ABOUT LACE!

so ironic. had to share.

jaseyray

untitled writing project

sean [or: nick, kevin, mark (undecided)] is going to college next year and it's the last day of summer. he is going out with his friend lacey before they leave for college together. him and lacey just came from a private school where they were lumped together in the "less rich" group of kids and became best friends. they stay out all night and deal with everything in one way or another before they leave it all behind to move into the city the following sunday.

"of mice and men" meets "catcher in the rye" and "perks of being a wallflower"

update: on everything

hi

so i haven't updated in a few weeks. and i'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. i spend most of my free time in school writing notes for another writing project and i spend my writing time outside of school revising it.

there are times when i wish i could just go back to those months in december and november last year when i would crank out three chapters a night with the writing ability i have now but it's getting harder and harder to get into character. there's so much i still have in store for you guys and i don't know how i'm going to get past it all and post something for you. i feel awful and it's getting harder and harder.

i'm thinking there is a time and place in my life for these stories and i'm scared they've begun to pass. my recent stories are very different from what you all know and have come to like. "last place" and "perfect kisses" mean so much to me, but growing as a writer and a reader, they just don't satisfy me enough.

i've outgrown stories before. "alex", "the prince of heart", and "rain clouds clear skies" were all my life at one point and my obsession but now i'm seeing a change in my taste and in my writing. i will continue writing for "last place" and "perfect kisses" and i'd like to share my latest project with you, but there's a time for everything. and time stops for no one.

jaseyray

VII - Sweetness

It was soundcheck and I was just standing there. Aaron broke out into percussion for "Lucky to be Alive" by Braid and Jonah joined in. It took a few seconds but suddenly Paul and Johnny joined in. I stopped and looked at them all. I smiled weakly and leaned onto the microphone. I couldn't sing. I didn't know the words.

They finished up with Paul laughing when Aaron broke into a drum solo and the sound guy rushing out and yelling about us fooling around. After a few "sorrys" we got back into good terms and passed the stage onto the band beneath us.

Owen stormed down the hall. I looked in his direction and decided to go into the dressing room designated for us and Owen's band. I stepped in and she was just sitting there. I swallowed and looked at her. She was rubbing her temples. I turned and went back down the halls and found a few guys from Owen smoking.

I never usually smoked because it doesn't do much for me. But there were neat lines on the table too. So I sat down and the guys welcomed me in. They were all Red Letter Day fans. They were all older than me but always treated me like a superior.

I hated myself for this.

* * *

When I got off-stage I walked out into the dressing room. "What the fuck is going on with you?" Johnny asked. "That was real professional, Williams, real professional."

I ignored him and walked out towards the bus. He grabbed my shoulder and forced me against the door. "Fuck you," He said. "You're fucking high aren't you?"

I rolled my eyes and touched my shoulder. "Nothings-wrong," I talked quickly. "I'm fine. I'm great." He shoved me again and my shoulderblades hit. They hit the metal door hard and he turned to walk away. He stopped. "Look," He said. "I know you guys are all buddies and you've all known each other since high school, but if they don't get you some fucking help I give up. I'm leaving the end of this tour. You are fucking this up for everyone."

I stared at him.

"There's something up with you," He said. "And if you don't get fucking help, this is it. I quit."

The band was falling apart.

* * *

They were all silent on the bus. Paul didn't call Rainie he didn't talk to me either. Johnny probably told him everything. I felt the high wearing off. I got off of the bus and started walking. Walking quickly and silently.

"Bennett?"

I kept walking. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk walkwalk. Walk. She came up beside me. "What's happened?" She asked.

"Nothing," I said tightly.

"What?" She said.

"Nothing," I said stopping. I was yelling at her. "Now fuck off. I don't want to deal with anyone."

She looked small all of a sudden. It was as if I jsut hit her. I started walking again but I was aware of her walking behind me. "Bennett, what is going on with you?"

I stopped. "Really, Elisa," I said. "I mean it. Get away from me."

There was silence. I waited until her footsteps moved away. But no. She stayed therte behind me. I waited turning. She stared at me. "Who do you think you are?" She asked suddenly. I stared at her. I shrunk. I crenated. I swallowed and she looked at me with these narrow eyes. "I know things aren't that good. I'm not a brain scientist, but Johnny was so pissed off at you and everything..."

I dropped my shoulders. "It doesn't concern you," I said.

She nodded. "Yes," She said. "It does. You're my friend, right?"

I paused. Were we friends? Did we fit that? It could have been the drugs. I nodded slowly and suddenly and we both waited. "Do you want to talk about anything?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said.

She nodded. "What happened last night when you came on the bus?" She asked softly.

I swallowed looking down. "I ran into a fan." I said.

"What happened?"

"She said I saved her life."

"Really? That's incredible,"

"No,"

"Why?"

"I never did anything,"

"Do you honestly believe that?"

Silence.

* * *

When we got back to the buses she broke off to Owen's. She waved back ta me and said goodnight. Said she was happy she got to talk to me. I stared at her. I nodded. She said things I could never forget. I nodded. "It was good talking to someone," I said.

She disappeared onto the bus and I went onto mine. Jonah was drunk and so was half the people on the bus. Paul was even drunk. Paul never gets drunk. I went into the back of the bus. I didn't want to sleep in the middle. I climbed up on top and lay there where Elisa had the night before.

The sheets smelled like her. I almost moved but I stayed. I went off into sleep thinking about what she said. I'll never forget it.

VI - Jesus Christ

There was a loud crash and I just sat there on the couch trying to get myself together. My phone rang but I ignored it. I turned onto my side and lay there facing the couch cushions. I didn't sleep at all last night. I had to answer press -emails I've been avoiding for days.

Owen popped up out of nowhere. "Williams," He was drunk. "Have you seen Lise?"

"Nope," I said.

"Com'on," He said. "Where is she?"

I turned over. "I have no fucking idea." It's been two weeks and Elisa and I haven't spoken. Well we've said the appropriate Hellos and stuff but nothing at all else. I turned back and lay there trying to sleep.


"Sorry, Puss," Owen said and stumbled out. He was a partier. He drank more than an alcoholic and was going to be one. I inched closer to the couch and tried to sleep. I wanted to give up. I wanted to sleep for the rest of my life.

There were footsteps in. I thought in some crazed moment of sleep it could be someone. I turned around but I felt dissappointed all at once. I didn't expect it to be Elisa. I just thought it might be. That's how most movies went, right? It was just Johnny. He sat down on the couch and put his cell phone away. "How's it going?"

I turned over. "Good," I said.

He looked out in the hall. "Spinella's on the webcam with Rainie," He said. "I got kicked out."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?"

He didn't answer he just smirked a little. Me and Johnny used to get along great right after Alex left up until the block. He started pushing me too hard and I don't really talk to anyone. I looked at him. I felt so tired. He looked at me. "So Elisa's back?"

I nodded. "Owen's on a drunken quest for her," I said.

He collapsed back into the chair. "I'm so sick of this tour already," He said.

"You're telling me," I said. Then I frowned a little. I just was so sick of touring all of a sudden. It made me exhausted thinking about another drive.

"You okay dude?" He asked. "We can get you help..."

I looked at him. "No," I said. "I'm fine, I just have a lot going on."

He nodded sitting back. We were quiet. He wasn't much for talking. Paul usually got me going on and on answering questions but me and Johnny got each other. I mean, we got each other a little. Not so much anymore but we knew each other enough. I sighed. "How long until we play?"

He looked at his phone. "Three hours," He said.

I got up. "I'm going to get some cigarettes," I said. "Want to come?"

"No," He said looking at me in an unfamiliar way. "I don't smoke."

* * *

I showed up around bus call and saw all the buses and vans gone except for ours. I got on and looked around. Jonah was in front of my bunk talking to someone. He looked over. "Hey, Bennett," He said. "Out reaking havoc on civilization I see? Any hot babes you want to go on about?"

I gave him a look. "No," I said.

"Guess what?" He asked. "Spinella's getting married to Rain over webcam."

I nodded walking over to the fridge to get some Jack Daniels. Aaron was sitting in his bunk. "Guess who got left behind today?" He asked.

I shrugged pouring the liquid into a small glass. I didn't feel like talking. A girl came up to me today. She was small and pretty. She was no more than sixteen. She looked at me with these two eyes and said I was her hero. That I saved her life. She was so young. I wasn't even eight years older than her. I saved her life. I talked to her a little. She was so happy. So young. So excited. I walked too far. I did saving I didn't deserve to do.

"Elisa," Aaron said. "Owen and the guys left her a few hours ago. They left before bus call."

I looked over. "What?" I said. Then Elisa flicked on a light. She was sitting in the "junk bunk" and waved a little. "No way," I said. "He's such a dick."

Elisa nodded. She looked sad. I took a sip of my Jack Daniels and looked down at the ground. The bus started up. I crossed one arm over my chest. Jonah looked over at me. "What's up?" He asked. They all looked at me in a worried way.

I shook my head not saying anything. I sipped my cup again. You changed my life. My parents got divorced and I just found your CD somehow... and you just... saved my life. Thank you, your music is just... everything to me.

I took out my phone and looked at it. I went down and sat down dialing a phone number and waiting. Jonah came out and "got a beer." He was just listening in. I waited. "Hello?" I felt a rush of sometihng inside of me.

"Hey," I said.

"Oh, hi," She said.

I waited for her to gush like Rainie did when Paul called her the first time in two days. It's been a week since we've talked. I scratched my neck. "What's up?"

"Nothing," She said. "Just out with the girls." There was another pause.

"Oh," I said. "That's cool." I waited. "Are you on your way home or something?"

She paused. "No," She said. "I said I was out with the girls."

I nodded leaning my head onto my neck. I waited for a pang of something. Pain just to wash over me. Enough to make me want to sit down and write a song. Something to ignite some sort of flame inside of me. There was a noise. "I just really need to talk to someone," I said.

"I'll call you tomorrow, if you want," She said. She wasn't being mean. Her voice was peppered with something I couldn't lay my finger on.

I nodded. "Okay," I said. "Have fun tonight."

"I will," She said laughing softly. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I said.

She said a quick goodbye and hung up. I sat there and waited. This was just self destructive. I knew it. I knew who she was with. I wanted something to happen. I wanted a flicker of pain. I wanted the need to yell at her. Ask her how could she use my like this? I am human. I deserve more than some whore like her. But no. I was shallow enough to wait for the anger that wasn't going to come. The bus was moving and I hung my phone up. Looking up to see Jonah look at me in a pitiful way and then Elisa came out.

She pointed at the bottle of Jack Daniels I bought three days ago. "Can I have a glass?" She asked.

I nodded and she poured herself a glass. The lights of the bus caught the glass. Her hands were long and graceful and she held the glass tight to her palm. She took a sip smoothly as if it were water. I got up and poured myself some more. She moved away sitting down where I had. Jonah walked away and I took a deep sip.

"Was that your girlfriend?" She asked suddenly.

I looked at her. "I guess," I said shrugging. "Not really though."

She nodded. We drank silently until I started to feel really shitty. I looked at her. "I'm going to bed," I said. "If you want to climb over me, it's okay. I don't usually wake up so don't worry if you kick me or something."

Aaron stuck his head out. "I slept over him," Aaron said. His computer illuminated his face. "He means it. Last tour I kicked you in the face and you didn't budge." He looked at me. "Now, Spinella'd break your fucking legs."

Paul came out. "What?" He asked.

Aaron looked over. "I'm just talking about what you'd do if Bennett slept with Rainie." He said. Paul rolled his eyes. He ignored that and he came out looking at me.

"What's up?" He said.

I shrugged. "Tired," I said.

"Rain said she saw Brianna the other day," He said. "But Brianna didn't see her."

I nodded. "I doubt Brianna knows who Rain is." I said under my breath.

"Did you guys fight?" Paul asked. I stepped by him.

"I wish."


* * *

I went into the back lounge to change and when I came out Elisa was climbing up into her bunk. She slipped and my hands went out catching her around her hips. I was drunk so it didn't bother me so much. I was drunk with booze and sleep but for a second I mistook us for other forms of outrselves.

I nudged her up into the bunk and she turned over looking down at me. "Thanks," She said.

I smiled a little. "You're welcome."

"Goodnight," She said.

"You too," I said looking at her. She smiled a little and closed the curtain of her bunk for tonight. She was sleeping above me tonight. I swallowed and climbed in and slept the best I've had in months. I don't know if it was my drunken-ness or my exhaustion but I felt safe enough to sleep without bracing the wall of my bunk.

When I woke up she was gone.

V - Lasting Impression

I shoved my hands into my pockets and she walked beside me. I start where we always could. "What do you think of the Connor Thompson record from last year?" I say. It's awkward and I'm kicking myself for going on this walk with her. I want to start screaming at her for everything all while simultaneously apologizing for making the dumbest choice of my life. I'd rather write happy love songs than nothing and I wish I never made that hate record I did. I just start with Connor Thompson. And wait.

"Amazing," She says. "I love his solo stuff. I mean, he wrote all of the Sunday Drive so at least we know that all these records were going to be Sunday Drive anyways."

I nod. "I know," I say. "I have to show you these demos he sent me of older Sunday Drive-"
"You guys swap demos now?" She asks. She's excited by this. Here is where I can start bragging. I can smile and say they I've been out with him and his wife. Brianna was unimpressed by him. She doesn't know who Sunday Drive is and she checked her phone every five minutes. I could go on and on about everything I know about Connor Thompson.

"Yeah," I said. "We hang out a lot actually. He took us out on a tour once and we got to hang out every night and talk. He's really cool, and he remembers you." I freeze preparing to shoot myself in the foot.

She stared at me. "What?" She says her eyes widening.

"He was asking about you when I told him about when we got to meet him at that show in high school," I said. We get a little quiet knowing we broke up. She tries to react without dogging me abut what I said knowing I would have said something along the lines of how my heart was broken and I can't write music anymore if I was drunk and if I was sober just said we broke up.

"My roommate at college hated me," She said. "I roomed with her until this year and she was so happy to get rid of me because all I listened to was Sunday Drive when I studied. She hated them. I could just tell, but she wasn't rude about it, she just cringed a lot."

I laughed a little. She was so different. I knew her. Her personality was just... vastly different. She was smiling a lot more. She wasn't scared. If she hated me she wasn't showing it. If she was going to walk my down and ally and murder me, well she'd catch me completely off-guard. I didn't know what it was but she made me feel like I was her friend. But she was the ex-girlfriend.

We walked down the sidewalk together. "How is college?" I asked. I began to feel sick inside like I knew I would eventually. But she just shrugged a shoulder.

"I am doing pretty good," She said. "I switched my major completely to English and minoring in human development."

I nodded. "Those are pretty cool subjects," I said. "Are you going to be a teacher?"

She nodded. "I'm pretty sure," She said. "My father is paying for classes but my mother just stopped paying for my dorm room and stuff so I have to figure everything out."

I looked at her. "What?" I didn't get why she was telling me this stuff. She was so different. Here she was coming out with this without even thinking and I was just her ex-boyfriend. We haven't talked in years. I felt ready to throw up. I was broken in half. I felt drunk. She was normal. She made me feel like we were friends. What is happening?

She looked down. "I'm sort of homeless," She said. "Which is why I'm on tour for now. It keeps me off of couches but when school starts I'm stuck."

I stared at her. "Are you serious?" I asked.

She nodded looking back at me evenly. "When November comes we'll be back and I'll break up with Owen and either live off of couches or agree with my mother and go into business again." She said. "Then I get a dorm and everything related to living taken care of."

"Your mother's crazy." I said.

She nodded. "I'm stuck," She said laughing a little. She looked forward. "My life's turned into a Soap Opera again."

I watched her and then looked forward. We came by drugstores and Thai food chains. The neon lights dusted the streets but we walked like to lost characters from two different stories. We turned around a little early because I felt ready to blow up.

She looked at me. "What about you," She said. "How's life?"

I shrugged. "The band is good," I said. "We're touring, and we make a living. Rainie and Paul are still together and I live in a little house near the city with them-"

"I know," Elisa said. "Rain and I talk a lot. We used to have lunch together a lot. We go to the same college." There was so much that could have slipped by like that. Things like what college she went to. I didn't know what college Elisa goes to. She went to the same as Rainie? That was so foreign. You never know what it's like to feel like you don't know someone you know so well at the same time. She scuffed her shoes on the ground. "What about a new record?" She asked. "Rain said you were writing one."

I shrugged. "Barely,"

"What does that mean?"

"I can't write. I'm blocked."

She stopped asking questions. Nobody asked about my block except for Paul. He always sat down and asked me what I felt. Asked if I could just write a simple C-Am-G-D progression with some old lyrics. Anything just to push me over this mountain a little. He's even tried helping me. I just can't get out full songs without them being too forced. But he works on me everyday. I could have said all of that to Elisa but I didn't. I walked silently. I tried not to throw up and I tried to keep myself in one piece.

She could have asked about Brianna. I mean, she could have asked me anything but she knew I was feeling shitty so when we turned we just went straight back to the buses and broke off saying it was nice to see one another again. That we'd talk later. I felt my heart settle back into a sleep. I felt nauseous and when I got back to the bus I threw up in the "toilet" tucked in a two by two closet.

The guys thought I was drunk, but I haven't felt so disgusting in my life. Everything was catching up. I could feel it. This was the beginning of the block and the end of everything. The band was going to fall apart. We'd get dropped. We're going to end up going to college. We're going to let down all of out fans.

That was when my seventeenth panic attack hit. I sat there in the bathroom and tried to breathe but it didn't work. Nothing was working.

setbacks.

i was going to post a chapter tonight. but i cleared off my entire itunes by accident so it looks like i'll be sitting here re-ripping 1600 songs for the rest of my life. effff. i shouldn't be complaining. 2300 songs are okay and on my ipod right now. the rest though are all i listen to now. f-c-u-k. spelled fuck incorrectly.

tomorrow: filmfest, guitar, academy is...
friday: re-rip day.
saturday: possibly writing day.

so much work. efffmyyylifeeee. ARGGHHHHHHH.

"direction" the starting line

hi

what do you think of the direction added to the story in "last place"?

i was thinking about changing something real quick too. i might change it so cass isn't in elisa's english class anymore... would that be too weird? i think i have cass flunk out of their english class or something making it more smooth and stuff because what i have planned is going to make cass look a little... idiotic? perhaps?

i don't know. i need to write it out a little.

i also might go back into "all we ever needed" because i hit a brick wall there and change the end of the last chapter. thoughts?

jaseyray

IV - Boston

I lean against the bar and wait. I need a shot of something because my past three are wearing off. I look for the bartender but he's busy and i'm growing weary of standing here. Owen comes up- drunk- clapping a hand on my shoulder and smiling. "What is up, comrade?" He says these things that intelligent people say and he makes them sound like he learned them from his frat house. "What's new?"

"Nothing." I said leaning over seeing the bartender all the way at the other end of the bar. I just want a reason to get away but this bartender is fucking me over. I lean back and wait some more.

"Still with that Brianna-chick?" He asked. Leave it to Owen to bring up my love life before I've shown interest in hearing him breath. I look over at him. He is drunk and he's not going to give up.

"Yeah," I said.

"She's hot," He said raising his eyebrows. I don't mind it much when people say Brianna's hot. I know she is and I have yet to convince people otherwise to make myself feel better about everything. "She soming out with you guys for a little while?" He means on tour- like he's brought "Lise" out on tour with him.

I shake my head. "No," I said. "We're supposed to start writing for the next record this tour." He catches this. He knows the last record was a year and a half ago. They were all urgent break-up songs about some girl that I lost. It's funny when life does this to you. Everyone has a tour like this. I expect there to be some circle at some festival we've played where they swap the ironic tours. This would beat everything. We're opening for a band we hate whose lead singer is sleeping with and bring my ex-girlfriend on who I haven't spoken to since and I can't write a single song to save my band.

"Just get a co-writer, man," He said clapping his hand on my shoulder. "You get singles, you get headlines, you win and all you have to do is put a little star in the CD booklet and write it too small to read that all the songs were written with so-and-so."

I nod. "We don't do that," I said. Owen talks to me normally. He hates Paul. He hates everyone except for me. Then he claps me on my shoulder again. "Just wait," He said.

Then he turns. "Lise," He said. "Hold my place, I have to go see blahh-blah-blah." He said a nambe but I was already convulsing and looking to steal a bottle of something before I stayed there.

I catch it out of the corner of my eye and I feel terrible for her. She didn't rush up smiling- she's frowning. She looks tired and he grabs her arm and scoops her into his place and scoots off without saying anything to me or her after that. A guy from the bar's team just scored a touchdown and he flies back hitting her hard and she just absorbs it. The guy turns around and looks at her but starts to turn. I'm already pissed off. I shove him in the back reaching over her successfully. I'm taller than him. At dark bars it looks like I could have beaten him up.

He turns. I start yelling at him telling him to say he's at least fucking sorry for knocking into her because his mother-fucking football team scored and he looks at Elisa and apologizes. She is in shock I think from me. I haven't said two words to her but here I am flipping out like a clingy boyfri- like a maniac over a guy shoving into her. "It's okay," She says to him.

He apologizes again and moves away from us. I look forward and start to sweat. She's going to say something to me. I know it. She doesn't she just looks miserable. So I take it upon myself. We have all the time in the world and Owen probably isn't coming back.

I have no idea what to say. My head hurts and I want to go for a walk. I look down the bar and see the bartender down there doing flashy stuff while mixing some drink. But Elisa looks over somewhere and when I look Owen has some blonde laughing into a coma as he laughs right back. She isn't jealous. There's nothingness as she watches him. She looks bored.

I'm drunk and I don't know what to say. So I start with the most dick move I've ever made. "How long have you been seeing Owen?" I ask.

She looks up. "Five months," She says blankly. I nod and look back down the bar. Then she gets up and sit on the stool empty behind her. "Are you guys friends?"

I look at her. I shake my head. And then she brightens up a little in relief. "What about the other guys?" She asks. I didn't know what she meant but she means everyone else I sleep on a bus with. I figure it's okay.

"We hate him."

She smiles a little. "Me too,"

I stare at her a little. She's on tour with him and she hates him? Something doesn't make sense. But at least she knows he's a dick. Someone comes in next to me and I'm pushed closer to her. It's almost awkward how close I'm to her after all of this. She doesn't show that she cares she just stands there and looks around.

People are scattered around everywhere and I'm giving up on the booze I'm thirsty for. I run a hand through my hair and wonder if I can leave her or will someone slam into her and she holds Owen's place indefinately.

"How is the band?" She asks me.

I look at her. I feel sick like I'm about to throw up talking to her. I shrug. "Good," I say. "I just don't think we're going to be doing too good. I havne't been writing since our last record."

She nods and she's quiet. There's a part of her that knows the record is a mean break-up record about her. She looks at me. "Do you hate me?" She asked suddenly.

"What?" I stare at her. Where did that come from?

She pauses. "I don't know," She said. "That record was pretty harsh and you wrote it after..." We both grow quiet like we've gone too far. Do I hate her? No. I never could. I'm talking to her which will lead to another brick of my writer's block. I'm waiting to wake up but I don't. "No," I say shaking my head.

She nods. "I'm sorry that record was a little harsh," I said suddenly. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."

She shrugged. "It was amazing though," She said. "I love watching you guys play everynight. I didn't even know you were on the tour. But I know I'm not the only one, the room empties out when Owen gets onstage."

There is screaming because someone just hit a homerun but I look at her and she looks down the bar at the bartender. We're bother over twenty-one now but legal alcohol isn't suiting me tonight. I scratch my neck and look down the bar too.

"I'm going to get out of here," I said. "But I'm just going for a walk if you want to come." I feel sick again. My stomach is buzzing with alcohol but I'm sill calm talking to her thanks to the wearing off booze. She looks at me.

"Okay," She jumps off of the stool.

The ironic tour just got more ironic. My ex-girlfriend hates her boyfriend and I'm leaving a bar with her knowing I will be smashing my head into a wall and coming up with another break up song after tonight ends. But it will be a song nonetheless.

changes....

reposted "last place" under my name.
deleted "leaving" from fanfiction.
making a huge change in "perfect kisses" but not spoiling it.
the change will result in a major change in "last place."
which will then result in a major change in "perfect kisses."

as you can see a lot of things are going to happen in a range of time i will not be able to measure for a while. but in good news: i finally figured out the movie "donnie darko" the fourth time i've seen it.

i also started writing again for "last place" so i'll have something up this week.

jaseyray

"the strangers" st. vincent

hi

so i'm working on solving issues lately. i'm uploading all of my stories onto google documents. then i can use them wherever and whatever time i want. booyakasha! i'm working out the timing stuff with bennett vs paul and rainie for "perfect kisses." i'm starting over with my kody and anthony story and looking up more on stomach cancer. i'm trying not to be a cold-hearted bitch and starting to like a boy who is starting to like me back. i'm going to put all of my work also on a jump drive. i'm going to write some short stories this weekend.

so there is this prompt to write a short story about someone facing they're greatest fear. so i wrote this amazing catcher in the rye-esque story and my sister loved it and then my mum says: "i don't like it. it makes no sense... write about someone scared to sing in front of people." truth is: mum... i'm not listening to you. i don't care what you think; i'm not going to ive up my intergrity for some washed up run-of-the-mill short story i already have written about a hundred times.

rant over. keep reading kids or else you won't know what the sentence "the road was steady" when you're around my mother's age. no offense, i love my mum to death but she doesn't understand my writing.

rant officially over.

jaseyray

becky's pov ---- setting: carol's then party

The curb was beginning to hurt my ass. Carol told me not to chain smoke in front of her coffeeshop. Heaven forbid anyone sees that she hires people who smoke. I saw Sean finally pull in and I rolled my eyes. He was always so late now. It was the fact that Bennett was an emotional wreck. Boys make no sense. When one of them gets dumped they just all drop their penises and wallow in self-pity or try and get the dumpee out of their beds everymorning. I expected to walk in on Sean giving Bennett head every party I left them alone at to smoke a cigarette.

I stood up and put out my cigarette and he rolled down his window popping out as I walked past him towards my door. "I'm so sorry," He said. "I was-"

"Just shut up," I said. I got in and played with my lip ring. I was pissed at him.

"Becky-baby," He said. "I'm sorry." He gets like a little boy. I looked over at him and gave him a look. He stared at me and pouted a little. I rolled my eyes buckling my seatbelt.

"I need some booze tonight if you're going to be all over your wonder-boy companion." I said.

"Who?" He asked. Boys are retarded too.

"Bennett," I snapped at him. "God, you're like married to him. What the fuck? I thought you said he'd just be a little depressed, I mean Joseph and Spinella make out in the halls all day and birds drop dead when they catch a whiff of how fucking drunk they are with each other and then Bennett loses his spine. I haven't even seen you in a week."

He snorted. "You wouldn't believe this," He said. "But he's got a new girl."

I looked over. Bennett finding a girl this quickly is like a one in a million. I stared at him. "Who? Rachel Powers or someone trashy like that?"

He shook his head smirking a little. "She's obsessed with Sunday Drive," I said.

"So he didn't find a girl," I said. "He found his soul-mate?"

Sean nodded closing his mouth smiling a little. I rolled my eyes. This has to be good.

* * *

We sat on a couch looking for her. Jonah was draped over the couch. "I'm in love with her," He said. "She listens to Saves the Day and likes 'In Reverie' I'm going after her."

Bennett didn't say anything. He just crossed his legs and leaned back against the wall ignoring us. He gave up denying his infesting love for Elisa whoever she was. Now Jonah was going on about her to piss him off. I laughed and leaned against Sean. I forgot how mad I was with him. I pressed my lips into the soft spot under his ear. He turned his face and kissed me and I kissed him back eagerly.

Jonah shot up, I heard the couch creak and we both pealed away from each other to dodge a hit. But he was running after a girl. She was tiny. He smiled and she turned around blushing and looking scared. Bennett looked pissed watching him.

"Is that her?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sean said. Bennett was too drawn into them.

"I know her," I said. "Whats her name again?"

"Elisa,"

"She's friends with the Cassandra girl I work with." I said. "She doesn't talk to anyone and is like a mute. Why would he like her?"

Bennett looked over suddenly. "You know Cass?" He asked.

"Do you know Cass?" I asked.

"Well," He ran his fingers through his hair. "I know of her and I know who she is, I've just never been introduced. She's Elisa's best friend."

"Creep," I said laughing. "What's Elisa's middle name?"

He smiled a little. "Shut up," He said. Sean laughed.

"He knows it," Sean said. "Go on."

Bennett sighed looking over at her and Jonah. She was bright red and touching her neck. "She doesn't have one." He said. I rolled my eyes and got up.

"Come on," I said to Sean. "I'm out of cigarettes."

He got up and he moved his hand around my waist and we left Bennett alone against the wall. He waved and stood up going over to her. I leaned into Sean. "He's bad," I said. "He's in love with her."

Sean laughed. "I know."

We didn't go back to the party, we just made out in his car. Something we haven't done in the three weeks since Joseph and Spinella shacked up again. I saw them walking together away from the party. I see her getting pregnant soon, for some reason. I hope she does. I know something went on between her and Sean because he always stares at her.

I bet they name their illegitimate future child something retarded like you'd expect a ditz like her to name her baby when she's... what seventeen? I hope they name it like Peach or Penelope. That'd be a laugh. The poor kid would be smothered by it's parent's relationship.

"annabelle" a rocket to the moon

hi

turns out there's something wrong with the cd all of my writing is on. i lost all of my kody and anthony story. i lost 5,000 words of a "last place" chapter. i have no choice but to rewrite "perfect kisses." i lost an old story starter for the noah and amanda story if you remember that.

i'm in shock. i'm in over my head right now. i hate this computer business.

life lesson: save everything on a jump drive.

jaseyray

"substitution" silversun pickups

hi

so i got really nervous today because the computer i told you about- the one that's sick- well, it went under and right now it's no longer with us. so at first i was overwhelmed with grief and the anxiety because me writing is all on that computer!!!!

and i thought for a second you know... eff it. just post something. so i did. and all my writing is on a disk so i'll be uploading it onto this computer and then i'll be ready to rock because i'm changing a lot in "last place" and it's going to be exciting for me to write it.

i let my sister read some of my work- which i always want to do but she never is in the mood to read it. i gave her two short stories- one i posted here about the boy being afraid of the dark and she loved them so i'm going to leave her chapters from "at the bottom" and maybe a chapter from "perfect kisses" i'm not sure yet. but i'm really excited now.

and i told my friends about my writing. nobody knows i write in school because i don't want to talk about it. i usually just talk about it to my sister sometimes when we go for walks but i told my friend about it and she forgot about it instantly. but i don't know. i did this thing in school where you had to fill out two truths then a lie and i wrote "i am an online writer" and everyone picked that one but i said no: i actually do write and post stories online but i'd never let anyone in school read them. it'd give them another reason to treat me funny.

anyways i'll stop rambling. main idea: you'll be getting a lot more posts from me now. i promise.

and also: i think i'm ready to write "perfect kisses" again :)

short story

He rested his head on the pillow and just lay there staring at the glowing outline of the shade of his window. The room had a thin film of darkness in the air but the small boy climbed out of bed and went over to the window softly peaking out and seeing down at the small children running and playing. Their laughter rose and rang in his ears. And he watched them- children his age or only a few years older or younger.

It struck him odd to know he was supposed to be going to bed at such a time, but reflecting on this he did not remember much of the afternoon. He just remembered the children playing in the street. There was the steady beat of a jump rope and the bounce of rubber balls as they hit the pavement. But the children’s laughter struck the boy most. He watched them until the small children were all called in for supper and the streets grew dark on their own.

And the boy still stood: watching suddenly another child walk out into the street. Only this was not a child like the children he that once inhabited the street. He sat down on the steps of a house that rarely anyone went into or out of- only Mrs. Greene lived there. She was old and mean and snapped at the small children when they shouted too loud or laughed to loud, but the older child sat there.

He was sixteen- but to the small boy peering out of his window with the shade banging against his awkward shoulder blades that poked out whenever the wind swept in- this young man was no more different than him. Although passive to their similarity the young boy just peered out at him. His hair was dark and thick much like his own. They both sat and waited for nothing they quite understood.

The streetlight flickered on after a few more minutes and the small boy stared at them. The one just beneath his window was his safety. Despite the teasing, the small boy just stared at the light. It kept the night away from his window. It was like the guardian angels he was told about sometimes in school. He leaned onto his window and then looked past the light to the boy. He was standing now and looking at the streetlight. His eyes glowed from far away with the dim light.

For so long both have relied on this light but all at once the light faded slowly like time falling from the face of a clock. It flickered softly in the night and both boys straightened and stared at the sickly light. It struggled as if it were the flashing wings of moths to keep the single light afloat on the short street. There were moments of darkness that were short but struck terror into the little boy.

And finally the light went out.

The streetlight gave up it’s fight.

Terror struck the small boy in his stomach. He felt sick suddenly and waited hopelessly for the light to return. But no, the light did not return. He turned around slowly letting the shade slip away from his back and he faced the pitch dark of his room. His jaw fell open slightly and he stared into it.

He remained motionless, as if by moving he’d be snatched up. He breathed without a single rise in his chest and he closed his eyes staring at the man-made darkness of his eyelids. When he opened them he heard the stumble from the Monster and he dashed quickly for his bed finding it’s safety as he heard the Monster growing closer. He leapt upon the soft mattress and under the blankets. He clasped his shaking hands and held himself tightly.
His guardian angel was gone.

He breathed softly and saw the light of his guardian angel’s opposite. And he whimpered softly. Darkness was now tickling his ankles and rather than kick them, he endured. The Monster walked past his room. The dark shadow’s of It’s feet were shown underneath the door and the little boy just watched in terror. His eyes wide and begging for the invisible white to be reveled in the darkness but all was black except for the light beneath the slit in his door.
The light went out and for a moment he felt relief. Because at least he knew the Monster was gone. All he had to face now was the monsters he had never seen before. And that seemed a smaller feat.

When the streetlight was fixed the children played in the streets under the man who replaced the light. That night there was no small boy in that room because the nights of darkness had gotten the best of him finally.

"simon" zolof & the rock and roll destroyer

hi

unfortunatly... my problems have multiplied. my computer is gone. it's at the doctors. i think it has swine flu. or TB. the bacteria causing it is ammune to the antibiotics so... *sigh* it's going to be a little sick for a little while so i'm going to bring in zolof burned cds to make it feel better and chicken soup for me because if i spill some on it my problems will just get worse.

so... to lighten the mood i'm buying ironic glasses this weekend. ironic glasses being glasses that look real but i know aren't making me a hipster- i know, but hipsters are the shit. i'm a geek anyways so glasses will only help me now. i also changed the contact name ov twitter in my phone to simon so whenever i get texts they're all from simon. *shrugs* i thought it was pretty funny. i am also finishing "catcher in the rye" tonight.

what else... what else... what else...

oh! whaddya think of the series of one-shots coming together? i have been working on it for a little while to make me feel like writing "perfect kisses" but i am getting into a music writing kick. i write songs like if "tomorrow's just too late" by kevin devine and "40 steps" by the academy is... and jenny lewis had a baby and it was a song. *shrugs* i think it's pretty rad.

but i have stopped my painting kick. and my writing kick. and am starting a reading kick. i'm a pretty artsy chick. i'm also getting into photography. i like my photos so far. my sister kind of shrugged them off, but come on, it's like brand new's album artwork for "daisy" and my front lawn had a baby and it's a pretty cool picture.

so i'm buttering you up buttercup for badnewsbears. i will not be posting anything until the emotional blow that is my lack there of a computer is resolved.

simon just texted me! peace
jaseyray

III - Opposites Attract

The bus is sitting alone the the parking lot. It's chugging- a mechanical beast to bring us all over the country. I walk on and Jonah's lying there on the ground laughing like an idiot with Aaron planting a foot on his chest. I walk past them and into the bunks. "Help me, fuck," I hear behind me but I just climb into my bunk and curl up bracing the side. In a few minutes the bust starts up and it drives. It was waiting for me. But nobody says a word. I just hope to God she's gone.

* * *

I wake up the same I did yesterday but to Jonah's hand gripping my neck. I jump and he laughs pulling open my curtain. "What's up pretty boy?" He asks. The 'pretty boy' pet name needs to stop but I just roll my eyes and shove him away reaching to close my bunk again. "Want Subway?" He asks. "Some of the Owen guys and Paul and shit are walking. I'll get you your usual?"

I shrug. "Sure," I say. I pause looking at him. "Thanks."

"I'll put it in the fridge too," He says slapping my cheek teasingly. "Right after I go on the message board and rant about how much of a dick you are. I mean, even Owen can ger his own fucking sandwich- he doesn't send his rhythm guitarist to do it for him."

I close my bunk and curl up against the side. We've landed. A city away from her. A state possibly too but I don't bother looking at the dates. It's a Tuesday. And it's some day in March. In twenty minutes I get up and walk to the back lounge. The bus is silent. I'm completely alone. I look at the guitar case- strapped to the wall with a bungee chord. I look at it for a few minutes and then walk over and touch it. The case, and I find myself a minute later with a guitar in my arms. It sits awkwardly but grows more comfortable.

I play a C-chord. A G-chord. Then I play chords I made up. Paul told me their names when I was in high school- which seems so much more than three years ago. I freeze and stare at my hands watching them move. My fingers hitting each chord gently. It's her song. I couldn't remember it last time I was alone and with a guitar. It was when Sarah went to school one morning a week ago.

I do try to write music again but they are all covers and rip-offs of other bands and Red Letter Day. I try. And I stare at my hands like they are fucking ghosts. Then I swallow and try again. That song comes out effortlessly. I play it. Strumming it and remembering it. The words. I wish I named it something better but the name is simple.

Sitting here is making me nauseus. I put down the guitar and stare at it. I'm a lost cause. They're going ot have to rely on outside people to write songs which will make Paul quit the band. He would never put up with that shit. Then everyone else would. Without Paul we probably have nothing else. Maybe a few years ago we could have survived losing Paul, but I'm fucking useless without him.

In twenty minute he comes up and finds me. "You writing?" He asks.

"Stop fucking asking if I'm writing." I said under my breath. I sat back and let the guitar sit. He walked over and got a tape and handed it to me. "I wrote some chords," He said. He doesn't listen or he ignores me. "Listen to them. I really like them. If you do then I'll bring it to the guys."

I nod and take it. I walk back to my bunk and toss it in climbing in after it. I lie in my bunk until Paul comes by and gets me for soundcheck. You can tell he just talked to Rain because he has energy. He horses around and gets me out. At soundcheck he starts plucking out Oasis songs. I look back at the guys. We have a lot of time to soundcheck.

"'Opposites Attract'!" Aaron yells out and James and Jonah and him simutaneously start playing Paula Abdul. I smile and look at them. Paul rolls his eyes and tunes his guitar as Jonah starts belting out the chorus and dances around like the fucking animated cat.

They stop when the sound guy flips the shit. "Sorry," I say into the mic smiling still. They do that all the time to piss Paul off. Or the sound guy. I think it's hilarious like Johnny. Suddenly from the sides I see her. She's standing leaning onto her hand listening to us. She looks at me. Still here. She's frozen. And she lifts her hand in a wave. I nod and look ahead quickly. I fix my mic. And after threatening another Paula Abdul cover we finish up and I get the hell out of there.

She's still here. I feel ready to collapse because of this. Why is she still here?

II - Nothing Feels Good

The lights went out and we walked out on stage. I didn't wait to go last, I didn't want to. I never did. I wasn't any better than the rest of them. They were all better musicians than me. The lights came on when Paul started playing the opening riff to a song I've sung a million times. I walked over ot the microphone and picked it up hoisting it up into the air and the crowd suddenly answered. In a flash everything got loud and fast.

The crowd answered me as I sang the last good song I wrote with Paul. It was written almost two years ago. And don't get me wrong, this song means so much to me but it isn't the same. People always telling me about their interpretations of it, I don't go around parading it's about some girl I'm trying to forget, but I begin to second guess every word written to it.

I stopped and there was one voice in my head singing the words for me. It was the crowd all belting out that one bridge that took me ten minutes to write. This was once a thrill to this. An excitement an adrenaline rush but here I was singing the same songs and not remembering why I was. I wrote this line to mean something, but it didn't mean anything anymore. And I started singing again becoming a machine. My heart the push-play and my mouth the speakers filled with static. The noise in the background were four of my closest friends and here I was holding them back.

There is one reason why I never quit the band. They always make me play an acoustic song. Paul knows it's slowly killing me but I couldn't bring myself to pop pain-killers or drugs worth dying for. They give me a guitar and I walk out to the middle of the stage to the crowd screaming and yelling.

"Okay, this is a slow one," I said looking at everyone. "I think you guys all know it, but if you don't... well I guess someone's gotta' be thinking you should... so here goes..." I started playing slowly. I find the dot and watch it carefully as I set up my fingers. I close my eyes and I see her standing there like she used to. I start playing and it all starts to blur. I sing to her, say I'm sorry, write it out and play it with my everything. I feel myself yelling- not at her- at myself. This is my zen. This is my moment where I but my flesh off and stand naked in front of a million faces and Brad of people I don't remember to have met if I have.

This is when I kill cells somewhere... I slowly eat myself alive from the inside. And like any drug it feels fucking good. It feels fucking amazing. The peak of this high is the chorus that comes in last like my favorite Saves the Day song and I sing it until I'm done. I could sing it a million times but I limit myself to when I feel sweat coating my body worse than before and everyone is screaming with me. It feels fucking fantastic.

I break and step away and walk quickly to the side ofd the stage giving off my guitar to someone else and in an instant I pretend it never happened. I never sang those words. I never saw her in my head staring at me or looking at me or studying me. Nobody notices- or they just ignore it- the crowd is still yelling and I go out and play one last song. People scream and go crazy. A sea of hands reach out ready to snatch my up but I stay on stage and sing and surrender and feel my skin tighten and the sweat clinging. My high is over. I have to let the drug wear off into a steady beating pain under my skin somewhere.

The crowd doesn't want us to go. They literally chant in unison for an encore but we have fifty minutes out of forty five to play and the crew even looks dissappointed when we stalk off and leave. We go take showers and we go on our buses and pretend the crowd isn't emptying out of the venue to try and beat us to the bus.

I miss the gaddamn van sometimes. Nobody knew it was our van and we usually could hide in the venue longer and shower and shit or sneak off to a hotel but we have the bus. A house on wheels. And as glamorous as it looks it gets old. I shower in the venue and pull on a change of clothes. My hair is still wet so I press a towel to it. My shoes are ratty and falling apart but I can't chance getting fungus on my feet or disease. I keep them on and walk into the hall with a towel around my neck.

I walk over towards the buses where there's a security guard grunting and hissing. I think I'm just seeing things. Skhizophrenia is finally setting in. I'm seeing fucking mirages like Jonah does when he's high. I stop and look past the guard.

Then in three seconds I hear Owen confirm it. "Lise," He says. This is Lise? This is the fucking Lise he told me about on the summer tour? The girl he says he fucks day-in-and-day-out. I pictured a whore or someone like Sarah but no. Lise. Lise. Lise. "She's with me."

The security guard steps out of the way. And suddenly I see her face drain of any meaning. She stares at me. I am staring at my death. I'm staring at a fucking ghost. I walk past them as Owen clears in and presses his hands all over her hips. "Oh, Ben!" He says. "Fuck, you never met Lise, huh?"

I turn around still walking. "Nope," I say. I look at her still walking backwards."Nice-to-meet-you." I turn and keep walking. I get on the bus and find Paul walking around in basketball shorts with his computer under his arm. He lives on that thing. I swear. Wait until we hit the other coast and he wakes up at certain times to talk to Rainie.

"What's up with you?" He asks.

Paul's the only one I'd tell this to. I'm fucking pissed. I point out towards the building. "Owen's fucking Elisa." I say.

"What?" He asks. I've never said her name outloud. It rolls off of my tongue like the curse of a lord. It's the worst swear possible.

"She's in the fucking building." I said. "He's fucking sleeping with her."

Paul freezes and puts down his computer. "You okay?" He asks.

"No," I say walking over to the fridge. "I'm not fucking okay!" I'm yelling at him. Why the fuck am I so pissed? "She's fucking in there. She fucking saw me. She's going to fucking-"

"Calm down," He said.

"I can't fucking calm down!" I said loudly. Then Johnny comes on the bus.

"What?" He says. "Did they find the bodies or something?" Paul doesn't even look at him. He just studies me as I pace. I get out a bottle of Jack Daniel's and down it.

"When's bus call?" I asked softening my tone a little.

"Two," Johnny says. "Owen fucked around with it."

I put the Jack Daniel's down. "I'm not staying," I say. "I'm going to walk around."

They don't follow me. You should never follow me. I am the worst person to ever go on a walk when I'm pissed. I just remember what buildings I see. I walk quickly. I check my phone. It's nine thirty. I walk two hours and fifteen minutes in one direction and turn around and come back. I keep walking. I want to punch fucking brick walls.

I don't know why. We didn't fight to break up. In fact it's my fault we even did. It just sucks. I feel like a teenager again. I stop eventually in the park and sit down against a tree. I don't care if I'm sitting on piss or shit or disease. I just breath in and out.

That's what it's like when you see that one person. The person that fucked you up and can never forget. For me she was the first girl I ever loved. She was my high school sweetheart and the reason I got through high school period. And somehow I ended up alone. I ended up sitting here under a fucking tree potentially catching disease and more problems, but I'm sitting here because I was stupid.

I'm sitting here because I think about her every day. I picture us meeting up again and she'll be the same. She'll still laugh the same and love Sunday Drive and drink coffee with so much coffee it gives you cavaties with every sip. The same girl who knows all the words to "Lisa's Birthday Tape" and can recite them with a straight face unless you make eye contact with her. I picture myself marrying her and having kids. I don't do that intentionally. When I'm drunk or don't care what I'm thinking I stop myself.

I just cut myself whenever I do. I don't do creepy things like name them and decide what they're be when they grow up- I mean the kids I mean- because I know we'll never even talk again. Owen's going to fuck her over and she'll be gone. I try not to picture him after the show pressing his hands against her and touching her.

I think it's the Jack Daniel's but I want to fucking die.

You don't know what it's like when the person who fucked you up comes back. I realize I wan't really yelling at Paul, I just assume I was. I was just talking and freaking out like a two-year-old. I'll apologize eventually as soon as I forget.

I just wish I got a better look at her to see how things have changed.

I - Reintroduction

Clausterphobia set in, as it does every morning, and I questioned if I woke up dead or something. I sat up and hit my head on the ceiling. There was no getting used to this. The second show of the tour was tonight. I felt the sweat of last night dry on my skin. I opened the curtain and climbed out onto the ground.

I wanted to get a clean shirt. I walked into the backlounge and Paul was sitting at his labtop with his headphones on smiling a little typing busily to Rain. I went into the "closet" and got a t-shirt out of my stack of shirts. I stripped and put it on turning back and catching Rain on Paul's computer screen smiling and writing back busily.

There was a leg poking out of Jonah's bunk and Aaron's bunk was flashing as he watched some action movie. I walked out into the front lounge and saw the coffee brewing. I poured myself a mug seeing Johnny pouring over his bent folded copy of Charles Bukowski' "Ham on Rye." We were parked and looking out at a brick wall and a sidewalk. The scenery of where-ever we were was astonishing.

Brick to the right and an empty gas station to the left. What a beautiful city. They've outdone themselves when it comes to the upkeep of it. But the kids were all the same. They all came out every date and show and sang along and asked for hugs and pictures and autographs. "I loved this record." and "You saved my life." I didn't feel like talking much to people anymore. I didn't feel like having the same conversation day in and day out.

Johnny looked up. "You depressed?" He asked.

I looked at him. "Nope," I said.

He looked at me and waited. I didn't say anything. "Write it out, dude," He said. That's all everyone said. They all were secretly planning and intervention. I didn't have anything to write. I didn't need to write anything. I just needed to write ten songs for a record we needed badly.

I don't think the guys knew it but they were all pushing me to write. I haven't written anything good since the last B-side of our record which is probably the emo-ist song ever to be recorded and put out. It was about giving up on your dreams.

This was my dream. Sleeping in a bunk and playing music every day, that used to be a dream. It's my life now. But I figured out I had a better dream that was easier to reach but just slipped away. That's what the song is about. The hundred kids for every fifty shows we have, they all tell me that song helped them move on from something- be it a death, a break-up, a friend, anything- but I just smile and try not to say I wish it did the same for me.

* * *

I step off of the bus and all of a sudden I see a kid stop dead in his tracks. He stares at me. Another day in my shoes is starting up. I look over at him and force a smile. "Hi?" I say.

"Ohshit,fuckfuckfuck," Comes out in a mumble from his mouth he walks up to me. "I... oh my god."

I smile a little, or try to. "Nice to meet you too," I say holding my hand out for him to shake.

"I'm so sorry dude," He said. "I just..." He looks at me like I'm something else. I'm just a guy. I can't even write a decent song to save my life. "You're my hero. I listen to your records every day. I fucking love you guys."

"Thank you," He shakes my hand too long but they usually do. "I have to get into the venue, but it was nice meeting you."

He stares at me. "No, thank you," He said.

"What's your name?" I asked looking at him. He reminded me a lot of myself in high school.

"Brad," He says.

"Well, Brad," I said. "I guess I'll see you later tonight."

"I wouldn't miss this show for anything." He said. Then he pauses. "Why aren't you guys headlining?"

I let out a sigh. "Owen's ego," I said.

He pauses and looks over at Owen's band's bus. "Those guys are complete shit, I don't know anyone whose going to see them." He says.

I raise my eyebrows up and down. "They're even worse when you get to know them," I said. I probably shouldn't have said that because that'd jump up on a message board but Owen doesn't know his ass from his elbow. He'd think it was some Red Letter Day-hater saying that to get us kicked off of the tour.

Brad laughs a little. "Thank you so much for talking to me," He says.

I smile a little. "You're welcome," I say. "See you around."

"Bye," He says.

I walk into the venue and feel bad. Kids like Brad always remind me of myself in high school. I try to block it out sometimes- high school and shit- but it never stays away too long. I walk into the venue and am late for soundcheck. I don't get yelled at because Paul already tested my mic and everything.

We make eye contact and we do a quick song to check out the sound and everything. But Owen and his band will do five or three songs. I just go sit in the dressing room and drink a little while answering a few interviews over e-mail.

This is my life now. And I regret every minute that led me to be this unhappy.

"semi constructive criticism" circa survive

hi

this weekend i:
- downloaded tons of music.
- am able to sing a couple songs without losing the ability to breath through my nose.
- painted two original paintings.
- established that lady gaga has a camera in my mum's truck to steal her dance moves.

this no computer is killing me. i might try and start it up and get my files off onto a jump drive so i can at least post something but i have to say i'm about ready to scream. i think i'm ready to start writing "perfect kisses" again. i don't really know how to handle myself. i love high school to death but it's so hard to find free time to just sit down and write now.

i think i'll have to revert to writing my stuff on fanfiction. this means spelling errors will be more likely and i might post more. who knows. i just hope my writing isn't sucking. but sadly i have come up with yet another story. *sigh* effmylife.

it's about a girl who goes to college in a city. her roommate is crazy and "free-spirited." the girl then meets this guy named chris who is a dealer to the college students. the rest is very "bell jar"-esque. her falling apart and stuff.

gosh my writing is getting so goddamn depressing.

i think i might start posting more one-shots, it's just i'm fresh out of ones i could do for "last place" so that means i may or may not go back into "perfect kisses" one-shots and or into the future one-shots. who knows.

jaseyray

sean's.elisa's pov ---- show: jonah meets elisa

sean's pov

i stood there as jonah threw his head back taking another energy shot. i stared at him and he just licked his lips and threw the little container onto the ground. "you are going to have aheart attack," bennett said looking at him.

"forever young, bitch," jonah said throwing his arms up. bennett rolled his eyes and i crossed my arms. then all of a sudden bennett looked off. i turned to see what he was staring at.

"what?" jonah said.

i snickered. "that's the girl." i said.

"no shit?" jonah said. "where?"

"short, skinny, saves the day shirt..." i said.

"fuck you," bennett said to me because instantly the girl and her friends went into the crowd and then jonah went after them. "jonah!" he started going after him but jonah was already in the crowd. i laughed and bennett shot me a look.

this was going ot be fucking hilarious.

elisa's pov

... a kid bumped into me really hard on my shoulder. i looked at him and he was looking right at me. "sorry," he said smiling. he was a little taller than me. he had sand-colord hair and really green eyes. he kept looking at me. i remembered seeing him with bennett sometimes but i didn't know his name. "you're elisa loren, right?"

i froze. my face turned red and i swallowed. "um," i said. i felt cass beside me watching. my stomach jumped threatening to make me to lose the jelly donut from Carol's any second. "yeah?" i said.

he smiled and held his hand out. "i'm jonah," he said. my hands were shaking. how did he know my name? were people talking about me. i took his hand and shook it and he gripped it for an extra second. "you like saves the day?" he smiled bigger looking at me.

"um, yeah," i said remembering my shirt.

"good taste," he said. "i fucking love them."

i nodded. this was so uncomfortable. i felt sick. someone knew me? they never knew my name. nobody knew i ever existed. if he was friends with bennett i couldn't even start to think all the stuff he knew about me that were completely awful. i couldn't keep my personal life personal. i blabbed my life story to the first person to find me drunk on a porch. i wanted to just be invisible. who was this kid anyways?

he started saying something really fast. i only caught then end because it was such a jumbled mess. "...likes you is all," he said.

"excuse me?" i said softly, my eyebrows went up.

"what?" he said back to me leaning closer. this was so awkward. i didn't even know this kid.

"what did you say?" i sort of yelled in his ear. the room was getting louder.

"bennett williams," he said. "he's my friend and shit. he's told me about you and stuff. i'm not weird." i swallowed hard and nodded. i felt my cheeks burn. i looked down and this kid passed in between me and jonah.

"gotta' go," he said. "but want me to tell bennett you said hi?"

"he's here?" i asked looking at him.

he smiled. "okay i will," he said. and he rushed back from where he came. my back heated up like it always does. i just embarrassed myself yet again. i looked back over at cass who just watched the kid walk away. "what a creep," she said. "i hate when random guys come up to me just to show off."

i nodded looking forward. i felt my cheeks still burning. this was completely terrible. the world was out to get me.

"visions of kody" visions of kody

hi

so i've been lazy. i'm rereading "catcher in the rye" and then doing nothing. i found a tv show i actually like to watch... so that's always good. but i have to say i have no writing right now except for my kody and anthony story.

this losing a computer is really wigging me out. but i usually download albums the entire time i'm on this computer as i am now. getting into some conor oberst biznat and m. ward albums too. but ohmylanta i'm owning high school. it's s0 easy. you have no idea. middle school was harder.

i kind of have no friends now because i am drifting away from my middle school friends and am kind of aloof but you know... i'm kind of happy. kind of sad. i'm just in the middle. i'm observing people a lot more but i usually am rushing to all of my classes to avoid people i don't want to talk to. i've seen jonah like 7 times in all different boys and then a becky and a rachel powers but i see paul spinella a lot in like... music videos.

but i'm doing all these clubs and want to befriend all these people. i'm considering being an english teacher now. so i can write and still be able to live. so thumbs up everyone. i'm aiming for all a's which is pretty easy looking now after a month. so i can get into a good college for art and writing and music.

i want to be john green someday. he's a fugging beast.

jaseyray

"Anywhere with You" Saves the Day

Are you prepared for this?


I sat down next to her and she kept her eyes closed. I did the same and the music filled me. I felt her presence next to me and I just felt happy. It didn't matter if I was still alone, this hope was false and she loved Nathan but I couldn't stop myself anymore. I just stayed where I was. I listened to the album and fell into it. The guitar the voice, it all swallowed me whole. I opeend my eyes at the last song and looked at her.

She smiled weakly. Her soft gorgeous smile. Her eyes were blue tonight and she just looked at me softly. I tried to breath but it wasn't going to work. I couldn't get in oxygen without hypervenolating. The album ended in a sweeping second and I just looked at her. I wanted to kiss her so badly. She closed her eyes for a second smiling a little bigger. That was my one oppurtunity. The window was open. I couldn't go on much longer.

The window slammed shut.

She looked ahead and exhaled. "I should go home," She said softly.

I nodded. My heart was bruising in my chest. I couldn't keep getting my hopes up like this. I felt boneless and pushed myself to my feet in three seconds after I blinked. I just missed my one chance. It was over. It was hitting me. This wasn't going to happen like with Rainie. If I were to get her in some twisted world she wouldn't be mine. She'd belong with someone else in the end. And here I was falling for a girl I could never have. I reached down and pulled her to her feet. She walked over putting on her shoes. I got my keys and we headed down the stairs.

She was never going to be mine. Nathan was such a waste. He didn't see her the way I did. I stepped next to her and we walked next to each other in silence. We walked along the dimly lit sidewalks under flickering streetlights heading towards solid light right at the corner of her street. She looked at me tucking hair behind her ear, she smiled. "I haven't had a night like this in a while." She said.

I looked at her. "Like what?" I asked.

She shrugged looking at her feet. "When everything is just... perfect." She said. "In some weird way, everything was perfect tonight."

The world was sick-minded. She was saying all of these things to me and all I could do was nod and try not to feel my heart racing in my chest and feel like I'm bleeding out of my mouth. "I know," I said smiling. What was sick was how our perspectives were so different. I met my hero and met him with Elisa. I saw my favorite band with Elisa. I was with Elisa. I listened to my favorite record with Elisa. I spent a night with Elisa. I pretended I had Elisa. I borrowed her for a few hours. Tonight was perfect.

She went quiet all of a sudden. "I haven't been this happy in so long," She said talking to both of us. "I think..." She swallowed. My heart was racing like I was anticipating a murderer to jump out and rip my heart out or something out of a horror movie to happen all of a sudden. "I think, I'm going to break up with Nathan."

I looked at her. She didn't look at me. I swallowed. "Honestly," I said. "I'm sorry if I'm butting in." I breathed. I had to say this. I couldn't just avoid this one thought. "Nathan... he just, I don't know... he doesn't deserve you." She looked at me all of a sudden and we were stopping under a streetlight. "I mean, he... he just doesn't see who you are and how... how amazing you are. I mean, I'm not saying..." Her eyes were frozen on me.

I just lost this all completely. I looked down. I just revealed myself to her. She was still in shock. She didn't want to be but she was piecing it together quickly. "I," My voice got caught. "I really..." I shook my head and looked her dead in the eyes. "I fell for you, so hard."

Her eyes were scared and soft. She didn't say anything. She just looked at me. I lost her completely. I looked down and touched the back of my neck. "I'll see you, I guess," I mumbled and turned around and walked away. I lose her. That's how easy it is to fuck up sometimes. I just made the biggest fuck-up of my life.

"califone" anthony green

hi

so i was going ot sit down today and start writing up a storm. turns out... my computer's all effed up. i have two in my computer room so one- with all my writing pieces- is sitting next to me and the other is in use. this only had the past "perfect kisses" and i'm going ot reread it a little. but it means 2 things.

no "last place." no "at the bottom."

potentially: a lot of "all we ever needed" and "perfect kisses."

i'm also reading a lot and messing around with my guitar too. i'm taking up photography and painting again. basically i'm being extremely creative and everything with no inspiration but i'm digging all this new music. i bought some albums- check out dashboard confessional's live unplugged mtv album. it'll blow your mind. i bought the CD/DVD for like four bucks at a record store and need ot sit down and watch it but i shouldn't listen to it. it always makes me write "last place" stuff.

anyways. happy fall. i love fall so much :)

jaseyrambler

cass's pov --- elisa's hair dying

hit a wall in my rewrite/any story except for ones i can't write. waiting for my allergy medicine to hit. so i wrote a one-shot.

* * *

"Cass! Elisa's here!"

I walked out of the bathroom and saw Elisa coming up the stairs. She nodded at me. "Hi," She said quietly.

"Hey," I said smiling a little. "What's up?"

"Nothing," She said. I knew that wasn't true. She always texted me or called when she was coming over. Here she was, so she followed me into my room. "Hey, um, I was thinking..." She started.

I looked at her and sat on my bed.

"Um, you know how you said..." She started again pausing. I had no idea where this was going. I was expecting a conversation about Bennett yelling at her or them fighting. "You said I should try dying my hair, and, I don't know... do you think you could?"

My eyes widened a little. I proposed that as a joke. She would look better with darker hair- but she'd never do it in real life. "Yeah," I said smiling. "Are you kidding? Are you busy today?" I got up.

"No," She said stuttering now. "Well, um, actually tonight I am-"

"What time?" I asked stopping at my door. She paused thinking. "Seven thirty."

"Great," I said. "Three hours is perfect. I've had it done in two." I walked into my bathroom closet pushing out of the way toothpaste bottles and toothbrushes from the dentist visits we were saving for later. I found the really dark brown hair dye I bought once but never returned. Here Elisa was in the mood to do something with herself like dying her hair. If I didn't act fast she'd chicken out.

"I was thinking we could do this-" She said walking in. I already had the box open.

"Sit," I said pushing her onto the closed toilet. She did and I got busy setting up quickly. She started dropping excuses. Never well thought out excuses just small lame ones.

"I was thinking I could just tell Bennett first, like I coudl tonight before I actually did it..."

I went into my room and got a huge t-shirt and told her to put it on. I put a towel on her shoulders. "My mom too, she'll kill me Cass..."

I ignored her. I couldn't believe she had actually come to me asking me to dye her hair. This was a radical Elisa I didn't know. I was actually really excited. I was waiting for this since I met Elisa. The moment she'd snap and pull something like this. Something that was permanent. The job thing- if she actually told her mother- she'd quit or something. Her hair was permanent. I brushed it.

"You're going to look so good," I said to her. And that's what did it.

"Okay," She said. "Just make sure I don't look stupid. I can't miss tonight."

"Why?"

"I'm finally going out with Bennett and his friends." She said quietly. I knew Becky. She was weird, but I had no idea who Bennett was even friends with- or the names of the kdis I saw him with. Elisa knew some of them, I knew that. They always went at her in the halls and at lunch and at Bennett teasing him, but this I guess was new.

"You'll look great." I said. "Head down," I pushed her head down and then I started Elisa's hair transformation.

* * *

She put her phone on speaker and waited. She looked nervous. Not only nervous- shocked with herself. Then: "Hello?" It was Bennett. She was going to be late.

"Hi," She said.

"What's up?"

She closed her eyes a little. "I don't know if I can-"

"You can," I said loudly.

Elisa shot me a look. I had told her to say she was going ot be late. She had talked herself into saying she couldn't make it. "So you don't know if you can, but you can...?" I smiled and listened still putting on the finishing touches.

"I'm going to be late," She said. "I just got held up, and it's a really long story."

He laughed quietly. "What?" He asked.

She was panicking a little now. "How is this even a long story?" I asked rolling my eyes.

"Is that Cass?" Bennett's voice asked.

"Yeah," Elisa said. "Sorry, I have to put this on speaker phone."

"So what happened?" He asked laughing quietly.

She sighed. "My mom and I got into a fight." She said.

I listened carefully. I thought Elisa and her mother were really close. I knew Elisa was telling both of us this but I just listened pretending not to. "And she said I was making stupid choices so I just went out and made another one." She said blushing a little.

I rolled my eyes. "It's not stupid," I said.

"What?" Bennett stopped laughing. "What did you do?"

"She just dyed her hair." I said for him.

He sighed. "Good, I thought it was something bad." He said laughing. "It's okay if you're late. You're not going to miss much. Jonah's got a 'huge story' he wants to tell everyone and that'll take about a half hour."

She seemed a little relieved. "Okay," She said. "I'll call you when I go onto 27."

"What color did you dye your hair?" He asked.

"Purple," I said as a joke.

Elisa jumped in quickly. "Brown," She said.

"Which?"

"Brown," She said. "I'm not crazy yet."

He laughed. "Is she lying Cass?" He asked. I honestly liked Bennett. I expected him to be an asshole because he was Bennett Williams but really, he was just plain nice. He wasn't a dick and he wasn't annoying. He was just perfect. Elisa was lucky. She finally found a decent guy.

"Yep," I said.

Elisa turned around. "Stop," She said laughing a little. She wasn't stressed anymore. I think it was Bennett. He had weird effects on her now. It was so strange. "It's dark brown." She said.

"Really? Well, I can't wait to see it." He said. He was cute too. I was a little jealous of her- I'm not lying.

"Okay," She said. "See you tonight."

"Bye," He said.

She hung up. And I nudged her. "A stupid decision my butt." I said. "You look like Rainie Joseph. I wish I looked like Rainie Joseph." She smiled a little tucking her phone away.

"Bennett's friends with Paul Spinella now," She said. "They work together."

I smiled. "Have you seen Rainie Joseph finally?" I asked.

She smiled. "See her?" She said faking cockiness. "I talk to her all the time."

"Whatever," I said.

* * *

She hung up her phone adn put it into her pocket. She was insecure. Touching her neck and looking ahead like a car was coming to hit us. "You look fine," I said driving her. She was letting me borrow her car tonight because I was bored and the Wagon was in the shop- again.

"I'm so scared." She said.

"Of what?" I asked. She had jsut hung up with Bennett. "He isn't going to break up with you because you dyed your hair."

She nodded. "I know." She said. She was such a mess now. The IHOP was looming blue in the distance. We pulled up and there were two silhouettes in the parking lot. I let them cross in front of me but suddenly I knew who they were. It was a girl and a boy and the girl lit up instantly. She came over to Elisa's side and Elisa rolled down the window.

"When did you dye your hair?" She asked.

I was staring at Rainie Joseph. She knew Elisa. I felt bad for not believing this. Elisa just blushed. "Tonight," She said.

"You look so pretty," Rainie Joseph said smiling. "I love it!"

Rainie Joseph was prettier in person and up close. She looked across at me. "Hi," She said reaching her hand in. "I'm Rainie." I hesitated but shook it.

"Cass," I said.

"Oh," She brightened up. "The famous friend Cass," She smiled at me. "It's nice to meet you."

I stared at Rainie Joseph. "It's nice to meet you too." She knew who I was? I felt like hypervenolating.

"Rain," She whirled around. "I'm going inside it's cold."

I felt like I was meeting celebrities or something. Paul Spinella was there talking to Bennett Williams and yelling to Rainie Joseph. I thought this was so unreal. "Eh-lisa!" A kid shot out of the restaurant. "Come out, I hear you changed your hair."

Elisa looked at me. "Do you want to come in with us?" She asked. She wanted me to. She wanted someone with her. I shook my head seeing Bennett waiting for Elisa to get out of the car. I was seeing Elisa less but tonight she was supposed to hang out with Bennett.

"No," I said. "I promised Miles I'd go over and watch a movie with him."

"Come on," Rainie Joseph said. "I always wanted to meet Miles too."

I stared at her shortly. She knew Miles too. I felt starstruck. A kid came over pushing Rain out of the way. He opened the door. "Elisa you look spectacular." The kid said. "You're already out of Bennett's league, now you're on fucking Pluto."

Rainie laughed, she was so pretty.

Elisa looked at me. "Are you sure?" She asked. "You can invite Miles too."

"No," I said. "Go,"

I wacthed her get out and all of a sudden I saw Bennett come out and look at her. He smiled. I was so happy for her. Rainie waved to me and I pulled out. I drove Miles' house and told him everything.

Elisa was friends with all of these popular kids now. I couldn't even believe it. Rainie Joseph knew both of us. But Miles just nodded. "Yuo could have gone with them." He said. "I would have understood."

I shook my head. I wanted to hang out with Miles. I always did. "I want to be here," I said.

He smiled and we watched the movie.

Rainie Joseph knew who I was. I couldn't get over it.

What if One-shot

I stood there. This was it. The last goodbye for all of this. The best year of my life was ending. I moved my hands into my pockets and looked around. I had no idea where she was, but I just waited- searching for dark blue. A pair of hands covered my eyes and I smiled peeling them off. I turned around and there she was. She smiled leaning up to kiss me. "You look so depressed," She said softly smiling. I moved my fingers through her hair.

"I'm not," I said. I kissed her forehead and moved my arms down her back. She pressed her face into my chest. I moved my arms tighter around her.

She stepped back and kissed me again. "Tonight was perfect," She said smiling at me. I loved when she smiled at me like this. A year ago I thought this was never possible. And here she was. I kissed her. "I know," I said softly.

She wove her fingers into mine and turned looking around. "Rainie!" Someone called. We looked over and it was Allison. And instantly Rain squeezed my hand beside me.

"Hi," She said faking a smile. I hung back swallowing. Paul was here.

"I didn't see you at all tonight," Allison said. "You look so pretty."

"You too," Rain said to be polite. I ran a hand through my hair awkwardly looking around for him. He had his back to us- having no idea Allison was over here.

"So what's new?" She asked brightly. "What colleges are you both going to?"

Rain looked at me exchanging a look. "Chicago," I said. "We're both going."

"Oh," Allison said smiling. "Good for you. I'm going to Brown in Boston, and Paul's going to Chicago too. I got into Chicago but my parents went to Brown so I had to go there."

Rainie smiled for her. I could tell. Paul was going to Chicago. Fuck. "That's such a good school." Was all she came up with to say. They went back and forth. Asking about this and about that. I just stood there listening and tuning them out slowly.

I looked over and saw Elisa. I looked at Rain. "I'll be right back." I said.

She gave me a look like don't-leave-me but I had to say goodbye to Elisa. I walked over to her- even though we haven't spoken in a month or two. I waved and she nodded looking down. "Hey," I said smiling a little.

"Hi," She said softly.

"So," I said. "How was prom?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "Uneventful," She said quietly. "How about you?"

I shrugged. "Alright," I didn't want to rub in her face that I had a great time. I spent the whole time with Rain and we just talked and danced a little- not much. She was gorgeous and she was perfect. I slipped my hands into my pockets. "Who did you go with?"

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Matt Godrick," She said quietly.

I paused. I heard her and Nathan broke up a few weeks ago. "What happened with you and Nathan?" I asked.

She swallowed. "He broke up with me," She said softly. "We were together a year and it was right on our anniversary."

I stared at her. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.

She shrugged. "I don't know why I stayed with him." She said. "I just thought I'd end up alone or something." I remembered our last conversation. It was Sunday Drive and we were sitting at IHOP. Rainie was in the bathroom and Jonah was asleep. Jeremy long gone. It started with normal conversation and ended with I'm sorry I even said anything. I take it back.

I never second-guessed that Rainie loved me. I knew somewhere she did- she'd always love Paul and I can't compete with him, but here was Elisa. A girl who said she thought she had feelings for me and that they were stronger than her feelings for Nathan. That's what it was like so long ago last summer when I did the same thing Elisa did but to Rainie.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

She nodded. I felt bad. "What college are you going to?" She changed the subject.

"Chicago," I said.

She nodded. "My dad teaches there," She said. "He does English classes. It's a nice school."

I nodded. She looked over my shoulder. "Rain's waiting," She informed me. I nodded looking at Elisa. She was pretty. Her hair was black now. She looked tired and she was wearing a black short dress. She was much darker than Rainie and could actually wear black witohut looking pale. She was pretty, and I opened my mouth.

"I want to stay in touch," I said. "You were one of my closest friends and I miss talking to you."

She stared at me. Her eyes were two different colors tonight. I couldn't look in them too long.

"Who knows," I said. "If things were different, maybe we would have ended up together and who knows what will happen eventually, but I don't want to lose touch with you because of something like that."

She nodded. "Who knows," She said quietly. "It could have happened with us."

I nodded. "I have to get going soon, but I'll email you this weekend."

She nodded. "Stay in touch," I got suddenly she was mocking me. We wouldn't stay in touch. It was like Rain and Paul. They always say they're friends but they really aren't. I stepped closer to her and hugged her. She sat there stiff in my arms and I walked away over to Rainie. She kissed me. "Ready to go?" She asked.

I smiled. "Yeah," I said. "If you are."

I meant Paul. She wanted to talk to Paul. I knew she did. She nodded. "Come on," She says. We got into my car and pulled out. She put on a Sunday Drive CD and turned it up. She staretd singing and smiling and laughing. She was beautiful. And when we pulled into her driveway we turned it down and turned all the lights off. I kissed her. "I love you Rain."

She just kissed me. And still, I told myself not to doubt her. She had to love me at least a little bit.

sean's pov ---- jonah's house/bennett's house

Jonah was getting drunk. I could tell. There wasn't much of a difference from normal Jonah and drunk Jonah except when he's drunk he talks less. When he's high he just sits on the ground and stares at fixed points. I was walking by when I heard it. "Eh-lisa Lor-en!"

Bennett was playing downstairs so I didn't feel a need to play the role of protecting him. I walked towards the door and she was standing there alone "Hi," She said quietly.

"What is new?" He asked leaning against the door.

I walk closer and see that her face is flushed and she has been crying. "Nothing," She says. "Um, is Bennett here?" She points in towards the party.

I walk up. "I wouldn't talk to him if I were you," I said. She looks at me and suddenly she shrinks back. "He's not doing too good. He's down there playing depressing Dashboard and Alkaline... if you're here to talk to him about whatever, I'm sorry."

She looks down. "Oh," She says quietly.

Then Jonah puts a hand on my chest. He looks at her. "I'll let you in," He says. "Depending on what your intentions are."

She looks at him, and she blushes instantly. "I just," She loses what she's saying. "I just broke up with Nathan."

Jonah pushes me back and steps out of the way. He ushers her in and she steps in awkwardly looking around. "Come on," He says. He starts down the stairs after shutting the door. Bennett is packing up and people are avoiding him. He's pretty pissed off and emo right now. He shuts his case and sips the water bottle in his hand. I don't know if it's liquor or water or both but he stands up and Jonah waves at him.

He makes eye contact with me and then his eyes move in Elisa's direction and he just nods at Jonah and me and walks away. I look at Elisa who is just watching him. "Sorry," Jonah says. "He's not that happy of a camper."

She looks down and tucks hair behind her ear. "Okay," She says. "Um, thanks though, for letting me in."

"No problem," Jonah says. I watch her but the door opposite the room opens and closes with Bennett slipping out with Jonah's guitar to keep it in the sound room. Elisa starts up the stairs and I watch her.

It's stupid and it'll just make more of a mess but I call after her. "Hey," She turns. "He's leaving now and walking home probably. You can probably catch him if you want to."

She pauses. "Thanks," She says quietly to me. And I turn around. Jonah sighs throwing an arm around my shoulder. "The things we do for Bennett fucking Williams." He sighs.

I roll my eyes. "I don't know why I bother," I said moving my arm around Jonah as a joke. "He's cool and shit but God, his love life's wearing me down."


"What even happened with her?" Jonah asks. "They had sex didn't they?"

"If only," I roll my eyes. "He's still a virgin- just found out him and Rainie never did anything. I have no idea why he's so pissed off." I pull my arm away.

"She is pretty," Jonah says. "And a Sunday Drive hardcore- that lead singer of Sunday Drive was eating her up at the show. She's more obsessed than Bennett."

I raise my eyebrows. "Ten bucks he ignores her," I say.

"Ten bucks she takes his virginity," Jonah says smirking.


"He wishes," I go up to get a beer. Jeremy's walking in with a backpack. He points behind him.

"Bennett and the girl are out there," He said. "Well, she's trying to keep up with him."

I turn around to Jonah. "Give me those ten bucks," I said. "He speed walks like a motherfucker." Jonah sighs and reaches into his back pocket and gets out a wad of cash he got from the keg an hour ago. He hands me a soggy ten and I pocket it. I feel bad for Elisa, but theirs no second-chances in Bennett's books.

By the end of the night I don't get any pissed off Bennett phone calls. I don't hear from him again. That means he's sulking. I don't really give a shit. I'll deal with it tomorrow. I smoke a few bowls with Jeremy only to wake up the next morning in Jonah's basement not even remembering anything about last night other than I should have a voicemail from Bennett.

Jonah jumps on top of me. "I'm going to visit Bennett," He says. "Wanna' come?"

I sigh getting up. "No," I say. My head doesn't hurt and Jonah never gets hung over. Jeremy's passed out next to me.

"Come on," He says. "I stole your wallet while you were sleeping." I reach back and pat my pockets. He did. Not surprising...

"Then you'll buy us IHOP as we try and emotionally re-stabilize him. I say we buy him a prositute too or a stripper or something. He needs to get some fucking balls sooner or later." He pulls me up to my feet. "You can just talk Ellen up while I pick up our shattered little boy and get him some deep fried mother fucking pancakes."


I run a hand through my hair. "Come on," I say. We walk over to his house and it's a short walk. I'm pretty sure I won the bet no matter what. His car is parked in the driveway with Ellen's and it's freezing. We go into the house.

"Hello?" Ellen calls fromthe kitchen.

"Ellen!" Jonah calls. "Where's my second favorite tenant in the Williams household?"

I see her come out drying a dish off. "He's still asleep," She says smiling. Ellen looks about twenty but she's really thirty seven or eight. She lowers her voice. "What's wrong with him?"

Sometimes I forget this is his mother. I forget she gave birth to him like seventeen years ago. I walk into the kitchen and lean against the counter as Jonah takes the stairs. "Elisa Loren," I say.

There is a moment when she pouts a little. I wish my mom was like this. "That's a shame, she was my favorite." She said.

I nod and then I hear Jonah's voice from Bennett's room. I sigh and Ellen and I both start for the stairs. We make it and head up. "You have to get up," She says to Bennett.

He groans and whines about going to bed at four. He's not hung over. He's just pissy. I blast music and he just groans getting up to shut it off. Jonah is insinuating he goes after Elisa but I can tell. I sigh and take out the ten bucks from my pocket when Bennett isn't looking. I give ti to Jonah. "I'll give you free coffee," I said. "Give me my wallett back."

Jonah hands it to me and I shove it down my back pocket.

"So," Jonah starts. "You and Elisa... you guys heading for Rainie and Paul's status?"

Bennett ignores us and goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth. "We're going ot IHOP." Jonah announces.

"You are," He said. "I'm going to Carol's."

"Why?" I ask.

"I'm going with Elisa," He says.

"Wow..." Jonah starts. "You ditch me already fro some chick who likes a band you like... wow. What ever happened to bros before Elisa?"

Bennett just rolls his eyes and goes downstairs and gets some coffee. I follow him. This is better than picking up his mess.

*****

wrtoe a wek ago in twenty minutes. pretty fast-paced and lacking there of detail. hah. sorry.